Topical Jokes Daily

Gov. Christie's Warning

2011-11-16T08:19:00.001-08:00

During a streaming interview from Facebook's offices, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said Republicans have an uphill battle in the fight for the White House next year. (story)

He said just thinking of it made him sweat out his morning cheese steak.

Occupy Melbourne Arrests

2011-11-15T20:43:00.001-08:00

Police in Australia have swooped down on the Occupy Melbourne camp, arresting three protesters as they enforced city orders requiring demonstrators to take down tents and tarpaulins. (story)

Demonstrators were caught off guard because the police swooped down in a counter-clockwise movement. In Australia, as you may know, swooping goes in the reverse direction from Northern Hemisphere swooping.

Police Arrest OWSers in Church Park

2011-11-15T20:22:00.001-08:00

Journalists and protestors were arrested after the Zuccotti Park raid when they crawled into a park owned by the Episcopal church. (story)

Police were thanked for preventing the occupiers from being accosted and given a sermon by some long-winded priest.

Organizers of OWS said it was a low point for the movement, but vowed to never again have anything to do with church.

UC Berkeley Shooting

2011-11-15T19:57:00.001-08:00

Campus police at UC Berkeley shot a man who raised a gun just a half mile from student anti-Wall Street activists. (story)

Penn State officials responded with schock that some schools' police are allowed to uphold the law.

It's not yet known to what group the suspect belonged, as authorities are not yet done sniffing him.

Congress Deficit Supercommittee

2011-11-14T17:04:00.001-08:00

The 12-member Congressional 'super-committee' charged with finding $1.5 trillion in budget reductions said it did not have a deal in sight. (story)

However, they did agree on what to do for the committee's Christmas card. .

Iraq Mad at Exxon

2011-11-14T13:42:00.001-08:00

Iraq's deputy prime minister criticized ExxonMobile for making an oil deal with the Kurds. (story)

Which raises a good question: how do you toss a shoe at a faceless corporation?

Herman's Headgames

2011-11-12T21:00:00.001-08:00

Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain said that God persuaded him to run for office. (see story)

When asked about it, God said: "I don't even know that man. This is the first I've seen him."

Cain later said he was misquoted, that it was a slice of Godfather pizza that told him he should be President.

Arab League Drops Syria

2011-11-12T14:06:00.001-08:00

The Arab League voted Sunday to suspend Syria because of the regime's bloody crackdown on dissent. (See story)

Responded President Bashar Assad: "Are you Syriaous?"

Freed Ballplayer

2011-11-12T13:41:00.001-08:00

A Major League Baseball catcher was kidnapped in his native Venezuela, but freed after a commando operation green-lighted by President Hugo Chavez. The player, Wilson Ramos, said the kidnappers told him they were going to demand a large ransom, and he thanked the government and police who rescued him. (see story)

In related news, Chavez announced a new government tax of 70% on the earnings of athletes playing abroad.

Rick Perry Excuse

2011-11-12T12:58:00.001-08:00

During Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate, Texas Gov. Rick Perry couldn’t name one of the 3 government agencies he seeks to abolish.

Afterwards, he said it shows that the agency, Energy, is already dead to him.

“In my head I’m making already making progress.”

When asked about his reaction to the debate, Secretary of Energy Steven Chu could only remember the names of 7 of the 8 Republican candidates for president.

Joe Paterno Excuse

2011-11-12T12:33:00.001-08:00

Recently fired Penn State football coach has been criticized for not speaking up to authorities when he learned his former defensive coordinator sodomized a boy in the team showers.

In defense, Paterno said he didn't want to talk to police because he has a squeaky voice that everyone would have made fun of.

He later said, 'Guys, I'm an 84 year old man spending what should be his Golden years in freezing central Pennsylvania with 20 year old kids. Why would you think I'd respond rationally?

Penn State Football Team to Protest Paterno's Firing with a Shower Boycott

2011-11-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

In response to long-time coach Joe "JoePa" Paterno's firing, the Penn State football players have decided to protest by not taking showers before or after their game against Nebraska at Happy Valley.

"If letting the sexual abuse of children go on in these showers is inappropriate and can get you fired, then we don't want anything to do with them either," said a team captain. "We will not take showers here or anywhere until Joe Pa is brought back as coach."

"Something stinks about this whole situation," an anguished lineman said. "And it's gonna start stinking a hell of a lot more."

Boy Band Mogul Admits to Fraud

2008-03-05T21:59:00.000-08:00

Lou Pearlman, founder of boy bands 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys, is pleading guilty to a $300m fraud scheme. In a deal he cut with prosecutors, Pearlman will gather evidence against his accomplices and help the government recover money for the victims.[ story ]

The prosecutors, in exchange, will release two very gay records.

Jack Nicholson Video Ad for Hillary

2008-03-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

A video by Jack Nicholson in support of Hillary Clinton for president has been circulating on YouTube. The video features excerpts from Batman, A Few Good Men, The Shining, and Chinatown. [ story ]

Now supporters of John McCain have created a video featuring Nicholson. It shows a chaotic scene in Baghdad, and a big sell-off on Wall Street, with a voice over "This is as Good as it Gets"

Whaling Protesters Toss Butter

2008-03-03T20:21:00.004-08:00

Anti-whaling activists sprayed a Japanese whaling ship near Antarctica with butyric, mild form of acid made from spoiled butter, but no passenger of the vessel was impacted. [ Story ]

So it seems the great ocean vessel is immune to the butter from the land of lakes.

Prince Harry in Afghanistan

2008-02-29T05:26:00.002-08:00

Britain's Prince Harry has been secretly serving in Afghanistan since mid-December. [ story ]

So that Prince you sold a dime bag to last week in Chelsea was an impostor.

Record-high ratio of Americans in prison

2008-02-28T15:29:00.004-08:00

For the first time in American history, more than one in one hundred adults is in jail or prison. [ see story ]

It's taken as a sign of patriotism. People would rather do a winter stint in prison than accept reduced heating oil from Hugo Chavez.

EU Fines Microsoft

2008-02-27T12:25:00.002-08:00

The European Union Antitrust Commission has fined Microsoft a record $1.4 billion. [ See story ]

Fortunately for Microsoft, it had the equivalent 40 euros on hand.

The New York Philharmonic Performs in North Korea

2008-02-26T12:29:00.002-08:00

The New York Philharmonic gave an emotional first-ever concert in North Korea yesterday, in which some of the musicians were in tears by the end of the performance. [ see story ]

The North Koreans were saddened and confused, wondering why all that heating fuel was used as noise-makers.

YouTube Offline for 2 Hours

2008-02-25T13:00:00.002-08:00

YouTube was unavailable worldwide for 2 hours Sunday after Pakistan tried to block domestic access to the site.

Wow, and just a week ago, people were saying that President Musharraf would have less influence after parliamentary elections.

OR

Since it didn't happen during American work hours, no video watching was lost.

Condi Rules Out Being Running Mate

2008-02-22T17:21:00.002-08:00

Condoleeza Rice today ruled out being a running mate on the Republican presidential ticket [ story ] She also said that she would not meet with any North Korean offiical during her trip to Asia next week. [ story ]

Her actual words were: "You guys, stop trying to set me up! Don't you get it-- I just want to be ALONE!"

McCain in trouble about lobbyist

2008-02-21T20:58:00.003-08:00

The New York Times has suggested that Sen McCain gave preferred treatment to the clients of a lobbyist whom he had a personal and possibly a physical relationship.

McCain denies the allegations, saying that he only let the woman squeeze his jowls.

Chinese Mad at Spielberg

2008-02-20T18:01:00.008-08:00

The Chinese are angry that Steven Spielberg has quit as artistic adviser to the opening and closing ceremonies of the Beijing Summer Olympics. [ see story ]

As a protest, they're threatening not to bootleg any of his films.

Amtrak to Screen Passengers

2008-02-19T17:04:00.003-08:00

Amtrak will begin randomly screening passengers' bags and will have gun-toting officers and bomb-sniffing dogs on platforms and trains. Amtrak said that passengers will not suffer delayed service due to the security changes. [ See story ]

That's because the security measures will be canceled out by the launch of another initiative, which they're calling: Operation Hey Remember How Fast the Japanese Trains Run? Welp, we're finally going to equal that awesome speed.

The nickname for the combined operations is: "Frisk and Whisk. "

Wal-Mart Dumps HD DVDs

2008-02-15T16:45:00.003-08:00

Wal-Mart announced it would only sell the Blu-Ray format of next-generation DVD players, and no longer carry the HD DVD players. [ See story ]

The move marks a 360 in Wal-Mart's policy. Until a year ago, it had refused to sell Blu-Ray DVDs, thinking it was a homo-erotic pornographic title.

Acupuncture Boosting Preggers Odds

2008-02-14T16:28:00.003-08:00

Scientists suggested in a report last week that acupuncture might improve the odds of conceiving if done right before or after embryos are placed in the womb.
[ See story ]

You can imagine how this might anger some artificially inseminated women. "Doctor, the reason I'm going through all this trouble is to avoid having a prick."

(yes, this one was for the Dummies!)

Hillary Ixnays Tax Doc Release

2008-02-13T19:00:00.002-08:00

Hillary Clinton said she would not release her income tax returns unless she secures the Democratic presidential nomination. [ See story ]

That puts voters in next week's primaries in a real dilemma: vote for change, or find out if pantsuits are deductible.

Clinton focuses on Texas

2008-02-12T10:34:00.000-08:00

Hillary Clinton's campaign team is downplaying the results of February primaries and caucuses and says it is focusing on the 2 large states - Texas and Ohio - holding contests next month.

They said they formed the strategy after seeing how well it worked for Rudy Giuliani.

OR

This seems to prove that old adage, "Those who do not learn from Rudy Giuliani's asinine Florida-only strategy are doomed to repeat it."

German Astronaut Falls Ill

2008-02-11T17:48:00.000-08:00

The German astronaut who was scheduled to perform a spacewalk to install a section of the Space Station, became sick, and had to assist the others from inside. [ See story ]

NASA would not explain what caused the sickness, but did say the space program would not go through with a planned switch from Tang to Sunny D.

The German blamed his condition on "those thieving, greedy Martians," and vowed to eradicate every one of them from the galaxy.

J.R.R. Tolkein Estate sues New Line Cinema

2008-02-11T17:23:00.000-08:00

The estate of J.R.R. Tolkein is suing New Line Cinema, claiming that the movie studio has not paid it any royalties from the film trilogy. [ See story ]

A family spokesperson said that things hadn't gotten so desperate, they routinely forgo second breakfast and first lunch.

McCain and the Conservatives

2008-02-08T13:46:00.000-08:00

Republican front-runner John McCain has been trying to appease the party's Conservative coalition. [ See story ]

He spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference yesterday wearing a burka.

Pedro Martinez Cockfight Video

2008-02-07T17:19:00.001-08:00

A video that shows New York Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez and Hall of Famer Juan Marichal at a Dominican Republic cockfight was posted on YouTube. The video was taken off YouTube today, and Martinez issued a statement that in the Dominican Republic cockfighting is legal, and that he was asked to attend the fight as "a spectator, not a participant." [ See story ]

Just like his tenure with the Mets.

Mets Sign Johan Santana

2008-02-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

The New York Mets introduced their newest starting pitcher, Johan Santana, a 2-time Cy Young Award winner with the Minnesota Twins. [ See story ]

Santana said he was attracted to Shea because of its fine collection of veteran talent, and because the team gives its players the last month of the regular season off.

Al-Qaida on the Move

2008-02-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

U.S. intelligence believes that Al-Qaida may be moving cells out of Iraq and into neighboring countries. [ See story ]

In testimony today, the National Intelligence Director presented as evidence a Craig's List ad "Your Morocco basement for my Mosul Pain Cave."

McCain Confident before Super Tuesday

2008-02-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

Reporters covering John McCain's campaign say he's increasingly confident he'll prevail in the Super Tuesday state primaries tomorrow.

They say the way he's relaxing and enjoying himself, you'd think he was on Flomax.

Microsoft Bids for Yahoo

2008-02-01T18:24:00.000-08:00

Microsoft has offered to buy Yahoo for $45 billion. [ See story ]

Bill Gates said he has the money, and was either going to use it to assure every African has access to basic medicine and nutrition, or that Microsoft has access to tens of millions of Americans' back-up email addresses.

Analysts say its a natural fit, as Yahoo's large graphic ads freeze its users' browsers, and Windows biggest strengths is its ability to repeatedly Control-Alt-Delete any software.

Steve Ballmer announced the offer by slamming 2 pints of Red Hook IPA and screaming, "That's tasty, but wait'll you try a Micro-hoo!"

Folgers to become separate company

2008-01-31T13:37:00.000-08:00

Proctor and Gamble said it would spin-off Folgers into a separate company due to slower sales growth than the rest of its units. [ See story ]

P & G said that too many consumers couldn't distinguish it from other P & G brands, such as Tide.

P & G said it would leave a note with forwarding address when Peter returns home for Christmas next year.

Sales did not rise after a recent ad campaign which featured a group of retirees playing cards, drinking coffee, with the tagline "Old Fogies Drink Folgers."

P & G said it planned to shake things up by brining in outsiders to manage the new company, such as those 3 hip baristas from that Starbucks on 6th Ave and 12th street.

A P & G spokesperson said it's obvious that to most people, the best part of waking up is rubbing stuff on your skin.

for the dummies:

Apparently, a lot of people COULD tell the difference.

The company plans to honor Folgers before the split by giving it a roast.

Nigerian Spammers Plead Guilty

2008-01-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

Three people have pleaded guilty to charges related to spam e-mail that promised U.S. victims millions of dollars from an estate and a lottery, the U.S. Department of Justice announced Wednesday. [ See story ]

But the three Africans have already moved on to greater success with their newest spam, raising money for their legal defense fund.

OR

And their more than 4,000 American victims have admitted to being dumb as rocks.

Kennedy Endorses Obama

2008-01-29T17:22:00.000-08:00

Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama for president yesterday. [ See story ]

At a rally for his wife, former President Clinton downplayed the news. Clinton reminded voters that he himself was endorsed 16 years ago by the Massachusetts senator. "And we all know what a dirtbag I am..."

OR

But in a nod to his years of friendship with the former First couple, Kennedy said they may still crash at his Martha's Vineyard home "off-season."

Pill Prevents Ovarian Cancer

2008-01-25T16:41:00.000-08:00

British scientists published a report today that taking the birth control pill for 15 years cuts in half the chances of a woman getting ovarian cancer, and that it keeps the risk low even 30 years after last taking it. [ See story ]

The study also pointed out that the anticancer properties would work even in extraordinarily screwed-up women, such as Britney Spears.

Congress Agree to Economic Deal

2008-01-24T18:18:00.000-08:00

Hoping to boost the economy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Republican leader John Boehner, and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson negotiated a tax rebate deal that will give $300-$1200 checks to Americans this spring. [ See story ]

When asked about his own involvement with the stimulus package, President Bush said that he made mistakes as a young adult, but has been clean for years.

OR

Senate majority leader Harry Reid said he'd defer to Pelosi because "she knows all about giving things 'lifts.'"

China's Prez Wants More Propaganda

2008-01-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

China's President told a meeting of top government officials that they must step up their propaganda efforts. [ See story ].

He said now is the time to finally nail the coffin shut and bury the hated fork.

OR

It's good to know Karl Rove won't be out of work much longer.

Condi Talks up U.S. Economy

2008-01-23T18:17:00.000-08:00

At the World Economic Forum in Switzerland, U.S. Secretary of State Condi Rice said that despite the fears of a recession, the U.S. economy is "resilient." [ See story ]

She explained: the country is just full of $5 words.

Thompson quits Prez Race

2008-01-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

Fred Thompson withdrew from the Republican presidential race Tuesday. [ See story ]

Thompson said that as fine as an actor as he is, he couldn't pretend to give a rat's ass about the country.

But his chin announced it would stick it out.

OR

Rudy Giuliani, competing in his first state vote, said he hopes to pick up where Thompson left off.

OR

Thompson said he feared his gorgeous wife was beginning to think he was a loser.

OR

The question now is which of the remaining candidates will pick up Thompson's dozen supporters?

OR

Thompson said he'd be in Florida anyway, to film Days of Thunder II.

Jack Nicholson Love Hopes

2008-01-19T13:24:00.000-08:00

Jack Nicholson said in an interview that he wants to fall in love again. [See story]

At this point in his life, though, he is more likely to fall and break his hip.

Clinton's Stewardess Spoof

2008-01-18T14:12:00.000-08:00

Hillary Clinton welcomed the press corp onto her campaign plane yesterday with a humorous spoof of the standard flight attendant safety speech. [See story]

The press responded with a long drawn-out collective cackle that lasted the entire trip.

OR

No feelings were hurt, as the stewardess on duty was busy showing Clinton's husband how to operate the lavatory.

OR

An angered flight attendant attempted to ground the plane, announcing "Great takeoff, Miss Hillary. Now that will be the only takeoff y'all are gonna get today," before being overpowered by an AP reporter.

Giuliani Declares self an Agent of Change

2008-01-17T10:14:00.000-08:00

Republican Rudy Giuliani declared himself a "change agent" on Monday, saying he brought more change to New York City than any other mayor. [See story]

He noted that when he was mayor, New York City's subway began remitting the Susan B. Anthony dollar.

OR

His statement was harshly denied by New York's Homeless Organization which said he did not bring enough of the 'spare' kind of change.

Lawn Mower DWI

2008-01-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

A New Zealand man was arrested Monday for driving a lawn mower while drunk. [See story]

The police released this photo of his field sobriety test:

Australia cancels uranium sale

2008-01-16T07:10:00.000-08:00

Australia's government said it would not sell uranium to India unless the country signs the global non-proliferation treaty. [ See story ]

The new prime minister said the Indians could "have Naan."

Consumer Spending Drops

2008-01-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

In a bad sign for the economy, consumer spending at retailers dropped .4% in December. [See Story]

Economists have pinpointed it to a Macy's "Take .4 Percent Off Christmas Sale."

France to set up military base in UAE

2008-01-15T18:51:00.000-08:00

France announced today it will build a 'permanent' 500-man military base in the United Arab Emirates. (see story)

In announcing the deal, French President Nicolas Sarkozy said, "and by 'permanent', I mean like a wedding vow."

OR

NATO's been asking for 2 years for French to send troops to help in Afghanistan. But it turns out the French prefer the 'fancy part' of the Middle East. Said Sarkozy: "We flipped coin: fight Taliban or be near giant man-made luxury island. Taliban lost."

Fire in Russia

2007-03-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

A fire at a Russia nursing home has killed 62 residents.

Apparently, it's a home for retired journalists.

Al Qaida 9/11 Planner Confesses

2007-03-15T06:14:00.000-07:00

The Pentagon announced that Al Qaida's #3, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, confessed in Guantanamo how he planned the Sept. 11 attacks.

Nancy Pelosi, upon hearing the news, replied, "Did he have a good breakfast?"

Ash Wednesday

2007-02-21T15:34:00.000-08:00

Friends, for Lent, this morning I gave up my seat on the bus, to a harried yuppie woman with two very large ("ultra") bags. (I couldn't guess what the bags contained...anvil, sledgehammer?)

After deliberation during the day, I have decided to give up posting to this blog, at least until Easter. FYI: It boggles my mind just how unpopular this blog is... not from a quality/hype perspective, but from search. I mean, really: 5 visitors? On a recent typical day I had one visit from China, one from Arizona, one from England, one from Michigan, and then my friend in Virginia... How is that mathematically possible? Zero would be easier to understand. What kind of multiple / equation computes to '5?' How does Google search generate a single hit?
There are a billion web users! Oh gosh. It's not my ego that's been bruised; it's my grasp for numbers. So... while I still have my looks and live near NYC, I am going to shut off the brain, and start getting serious about modeling.

Fired IBM employees says he is Sex Addict

2007-02-20T20:13:00.000-08:00

IBM fired an employee for visiting adult chat rooms, but the man, James Pacenza , is suing IBM because he claims he is an Internet and sex addict who should have been given treatment for what he calls a disability.

Pacenza was responsible for the ad campaign, "What's Behind The Red Curtain?" When his boss unveiled his 'addiction,' Pacenza protested: "This is what makes me special!"

On his blog, Pacenza writes that he cannot decide his top reason to be thankful for Bob Dole. He lists as "co-Number Ones": pushing the passage of the Americans with Disabilities Act, and Dole's promotion of Viagra.

Pacenza's boss said, "Our nickname is 'Big Blue,' not 'Big Goo.'

Internet Addict Sues IBM

2007-02-19T13:28:00.000-08:00

A man, James Pacenza, who was fired by IBM for visiting an adult chat room (after being given a warning four months earlier), is suing the company for $5 million, claiming he is an Internet addict and sex addict, who deserves treatment for what he calls a disability.

When he was fired, the confrontation began, "That better be a mouse, Pacenza!"

Pacenza claims that before the firing, he was considered his supervisor's "right hand man."

Pacenza had a running gag that "IBM" stood for: "I've been masturbating."

Pacenza also cited having to wear a blue tie, as creating a hostile intolerant workplace.

Upon being dismissed, Pacenza was overheard arguing, "Okay, great; I get it: exiting the PC business by selling the laptop and desktop units to a Chinese company in order to focus on the profitable consulting business is 'okay', but pretending to be a 24 year old woman at 'I like Big Balls dot com' is 'wrong.' "

New York Fashion Week

2007-02-18T14:37:00.000-08:00

This past week was New York's Fall Fashion Week.

And what a fall it was for young Britney Spears. A fall from grace for the pop starlet....

Yesterday, she showed up with her head completely shaved at a tattoo parlor, where she obtained two new designs for her once-prized body. And it was reported that she had checked in and out of a rehab clinic the day earlier.

Meanwhile, her fans await a new music album. Early reports are promising--it's supposedly heavily influenced by Nirvana and Sinead O'Connor.

Congress Iraq Resolution

2007-02-17T15:47:00.000-08:00

The Senate failed to pass the House's non-binding resolution that denounces President Bush's order to send more troops to Baghdad.

Next up for the Senate: a new farm bill, where Congress states its support for family farmers by prohibiting people from entering the farming industry or from growing food.
-OR-
But the Senate did pass, 98-0, a resolution denouncing Britney Spears' behavior.
-OR-
Dammit! That's just what the general public asked for when its Election Day votes conveyed a non-binding denouncement of Bush's war policy--for Congress to vote on a non-binding resolution denouncing Bush's war policy, but "with more flair!"
-OR-
However, Al-Qaida announced that it was flattered just to have garnered Harry Reid's support.

McCain Courting Christian Conservatives

2007-02-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

Senator John McCain has begun trying to garner the support of Christian conservatives for his run for president, but the coalition is very wary of embracing him.

Said one prominent Evangelical leader: "McCain could reveal he had a homosexual relationship with a drug dealer, and we still wouldn't support him."

U.N. Child Welfare Survey

2007-02-15T07:23:00.000-08:00

The United States and Britain ranked at the bottom of a U.N. survey of child welfare in 21 wealthy countries.

But the two nations ranked #1 and #2 in sippy cups per child.

Paula Abdul Defends Self

2007-02-14T10:30:00.000-08:00

Paula Abdul, on the 'hot seat' for her slurred speech on "American Idol," said that she has never been drunk.

But by giving such an extreme defense, she now has no excuse for dating Aresnio Hall.

Al Qaida #2 Insults Bush

2007-02-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

Al Qaida's Second in Command, Ayman al-Zawahri, in a message released today, said that President Bush is an alcoholic.

But you have to take what he says with a grain of salt. Afterall, wasn't it just last week he called his rival, Arwaj Qurol a drug addict for using Flomax?

Space Station Power Outage

2007-02-12T13:53:00.000-08:00

NASA announced that sections of the International Space Station lost power for much of Sunday.

Fortunately, the crew was able to have a nice romantic candlelight dinner.

OR

NASA said the full impact of the incident won't be apparent until 9 months.

Lisa Nowak Road Trip

2007-02-11T11:01:00.000-08:00

Lisa Nowak said she wore adult diapers so she could make her 900+ mile trip to Orlando without taking bathroom breaks.

But she did make an hour stop in New Orleans to get a 'po boy.
-or-
But she did stop in New Orleans in an attempt to ask Angelina Jolie how to win the heart of a great man.
-or-
But she did make a sightseeing stop in Shelbyville, Alabama, home to the Crazy Woman Hall of Fame.
-or-
She also recommends Paying at the Pump for when you're really in a rush to ruin your career.
-or-
She considered Paying at the Pump for gasoline, but then found it quicker to wave a 4-inch blade menacingly, and to use mace on the attendant.
-or-
She told police she didn't need any sleep on the journey because she had acquired a batch of Tang Ultra, "what the pros drink."

Lisa Nowak Released on Bond

2007-02-10T16:52:00.000-08:00

Lisa Nowak was released last week from the Orlando courthouse on just over $25,000 bail.

Shouldn't someone who's an Air Force pilot and astronaut be deemed a greater flight risk?

Lisa Nowak Disgraces Orlando

2007-02-10T16:47:00.000-08:00

Residents of Orlando are worried that the city's reputation has been sullied by the Lisa Nowak incident, and might keep tourists away.

They say it's been the biggest disgrace to hit Orlando since Captain Eo.

Lisa Nowak Trenchcoat

2007-02-10T16:21:00.000-08:00

Lisa Nowak has been wearing a coat over her head when leaving the courtroom and when arriving at Houston's airport.

It's understandable she wants to be incognito, but, what was wrong with the trenchcoat and wig she wore in Orlando? It was much more becoming.

Lisa Nowak Diapers

2007-02-10T16:13:00.000-08:00

Astronaut Lisa Nowak told police that on her 950 mile drive to confront her romantic rival, she wore adult diapers so she wouldn't have to make any restroom stops.

Ironic, because her supervisors at NASA have now told her she is going to take a rest. A nice long rest.

Lisa Nowak Explains (Again)

2007-02-09T18:58:00.000-08:00

(for Lenos)
Y'know, NASA officials are saying it is understandable that Lisa Nowak went berserk over the astronaut William Oefelein.

They say as a lover, he is really out of this world.

Lisa Nowak Explains

2007-02-09T14:09:00.000-08:00

Lisa Nowak said she did not plan to attempt to murder her romantic rival Colleen Shipman.

She said she just wanted to "'Pluto' her ass."

OR

She said she just wanted to tell Shipman, "Why don't you make like the Mars Global Surveyor and disappear?"

Spacewalks at Space Station

2007-02-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

NASA announced that two of its astronauts at the space station performed their third spacewalk in the past nine days.

They showed footage of the walk, and, in a worrisome sign, the two are holding hands.

OR

Wow, three space walks in just over a week? They are totally going steady!

Pelosi Plane Request

2007-02-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

Some Republicans criticized Speaker Pelosi's need to fly on a large Air Force plane that can travel to California without refueling, but the White House defended her.

White House press secretary Tony Snow said it is sensible for the Pentagon to provide her with a plane because she has had problems getting a lift.

OR

Pelosi's wondering why can't she ever get a simple lift without any complications.

OR

Said a Repubican congressman from Florida: 'She's clearly already gotten a lift.'

Astronaut Kidnap Attempt

2007-02-07T06:41:00.000-08:00

NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested after driving 900 miles from Houston to Kennedy Space Center, wearing an adult diaper so she didn't have to stop for bathroom breaks on the trip.

The incident raises a lot of questions about NASA's screening process, such as how they selected an astronaut who would rather piss on herself than fly.

NASA Astronaut Charged with Murder

2007-02-06T18:05:00.000-08:00

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was charged with attempted murder of an Air Force engineer who Nowak belived to be her romantic rival for another astronaut, Billy Oefelein.

This sheds some light on that experiment NASA did aboard the space shuttle last summer, to test how a bunny would boil in zero gravity.

Maytag Dishwasher Recall

2007-02-06T09:19:00.000-08:00

The Maytag Company had to recall more than 2 million dishwashers due to faulty wiring that has caused 123 fires. The company instructed owners to unplug their machine and call to arrange an on-site repair.

In a related story, "Old Lonely,"the Maytag repairman has died of a heart attack.

OR

The company is reconsidering its decision of staffing its repair division with just one employee, and letting him grow to be a bumbling, aloof old fool.

OR

Things are even worse for Maytag: 'Old Lonely' is refusing to do the work. He said, "I have a ten thousand Myspace friends; I don't need this."

The Maytag Repairman has sought out the advice of Chris Cringle. "How can I be a million places in one night?" Replied Santa: "Don't ask me, ask Paris Hilton."

OR

(for Lenos)
Looks like Old Lonely is finally going to meet a lot of folks. ... he released a statement: "Be careful what you wish for."

Bush Speaks to Dems at Retreat

2007-02-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

President Bush attended an annual retreat of Congressional Democrats Saturday, in which he apologized for having referred to "the Democrat majority," omitting the "ic." during his State of the Union address.

The Democrats in turn explained that they hadn't been booing him during the State of the Union, they were merely pronouncing his name minus the last two letters.

OR

Bush pledged to not only restore the 'I' and 'C'; but to create for Congress a big 'I O U.'

OR

When Bush returned from the meeting, the White House had set up a large banner on the South Lawn that read: "Retreat Accomplished."

OR

When asked to explain why Bush attended the retreat for the first time in six years, spokesman Tony Snow said "he was looking for his poll numbers which are also retreating."

Boston Terror

2007-02-03T06:30:00.000-08:00

In a press conference yesterday, Boston mayor Thomas Menino said he will make sure that Turner Broadcasting pays for the security costs resulting from Boston police's response to seeing the company's promotional circuit boards.

He then screamed, "Put down that gun! Put down that gun!" to a local CBS reporter. She was able to prove the item she was holding to be a microphone only after police detained her in a preceint jail. Said Menino: "CBS will pay for this hoax."

Bush Iraq Budget

2007-02-02T15:53:00.000-08:00

President Bush will seek an additional $100 billion to wage the Iraq and Afghanistan wars this year, making the total for 2007 $170 billion.

Bush tried to put a silver lining on it, by reminding Congress that $30 billion would be returned to the Treasury when the Vice President pays his income tax.

Hugo Chavez and Castro

2007-02-01T20:32:00.000-08:00

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez said that Fidel Castro has visibly improved from his illness.

He describes Castro as being one of the healthiest invisible men he's ever seen. "You'd have to see it to believe it," he said.... "wait! I mean, take my word on it..."

Chavez was given free rein to run Venezuela yesterday by the country's legislature.

Chavez said that with this elimination of opposition, he no longer worries about having to put his neck on the line, but not being able to locate it.

His first acts since obtaining the wider power, were to: declare that every Venezuelan must believe that Fidel Castro is healthy; seize all foreign assets in the country and place them on the Colts to cover; overturn the no-sharing policy at Shoney's buffets.

Britney Spears Divorce Settlement

2007-01-31T19:06:00.000-08:00

"Fed-Ex" has reportedly rejected a $25 million offer from Britney Spears.

However, UPS agreed to ship her 162 lb. gift package to U.S. soldiers in Baghdad.

New Microsoft Windows Vista

2007-01-30T20:14:00.000-08:00

Microsoft today officially released the consumer versions of the new Windows Vista and Office 2007.

The software is a big improvement but has some bugs. Plus, it seems Microsoft went a bit far in trying to follow Google's strategy of integrating advertising into its products. For example, if you are in Word and type "Dear Dad", a dancing Paper Clip appears, and asks "Looks like you're writing a letter to your mother. Do you want to order envelopes or do you want to lower your monthly mortgage payments so you don't have to hit her up for yet another loan?"

Prince Charles Visit to New York

2007-01-29T15:56:00.000-08:00

Prince Charles and his wife Camilla visited New York City Sunday. During the trip, Al Gore presented the prince with an environmental award.

It honors Prince Charles for making any environment he visits so dull, that Al Gore looks interesting by comparison.

The royal couple also visited Harlem.

They were interrupted a dozen times by different people muttering: "Camilla! I got a cousin named Camilla. Give me a million dollars."

Caffeinated Donuts

2007-01-28T13:42:00.000-08:00

A North Carolina scientist has invented caffeinated donuts: each donut contains the equivalent of two cups of coffee.

So, just four donuts would equal a Starbucks Venti coffee.

OR

The inventor sees it as the multi-tasking equivalent to donuts' most devout customer: the policeman. "We ask our policemen to both serve and to protect. Shouldn't their snack food both stimulate and fatten at once?"

Said a police officer at the local Dunky's: "Sarge better not use this to cut our break time in half."

OR

Starbucks said it doesn't view the caffeinated donut as a substitute for coffee: "Our research shows that the #1 reason consumers purchase our coffee is for the 'As I See It' series printed on Starbucks cups. ..... The #2 reason is to avoid saving."

(for Lenos)
Aren't we getting lazy in this country? We can't even dunk our donuts in coffee anymore.......

Prince Charles Visit to Philly

2007-01-27T13:25:00.000-08:00

Prince Charles and his wife Camilla are visiting Philadelphia this weekend.

Prince Charles said that for cheesesteaks, he prefers Geno's over Pat's; and for children, William over Henry.

Michael Jackson Back in the USA

2007-01-26T12:29:00.000-08:00

Michael Jackson is back in the U.S. after a year of 'self-imposed exile' living in France and Ireland.

He said he was glad to be back because Europe is "so weird."

Jackson said that Ireland freaked him out because the people were so dark.And in France he assumed the men would be interested in an attractive, successful woman, but nobody asked him out.

CBS is glad Jackson has returned. Now their selection of Prince to perform at the Super Bowl appears to be a conservative choice.

Jackson's spokesman said Jackson had to attend to the business you would expect of someone returning from abroad: suing his business manager and borrowing against the Beatles publishing royalties.
He said he's also determined to get "all that Night in the Museum stuff" into Neverland.

First and foremost, though, out of respect: he plans to sleep in James Brown's casket.

U. of North Carolina Mistake

2007-01-25T15:47:00.000-08:00

UNC-Chapel Hill accidentally sent congratulations on acceptance in an email to 2,700 applicants whose admission status won't be determined until March.

The prospective students said they were a bit shook up by the mistake, but they preferred it to Duke's practice of prematurely pronouncing students as guilty of rape.

President's State of the Union Address

2007-01-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

President Bush gave his State of the Union speech last night. He proposed a way to increase access to health care for millions of Americans.

However, his plan would exclude 21,000 soldiers.

The President also set a goal of reducing gasoline consumption 20% over the next ten years.

The plan is to get the country to gradually warm to the idea of 'Stay at Home on Hump Day.'

New Jersey Miss USA Resigns

2007-01-23T14:16:00.000-08:00

Miss New Jersey USA resigned last week after becoming pregnant.

Ironically, her mother had also given up her crown. She had it removed from her molar, and sold the gold to pay for the contest's evening dress.

OR

So, a 46 year old woman from Trenton will be crowned. ... (yeah)... because her health insurance covers the dental procedure.

Chicago Bears Gunman

2007-01-23T09:49:00.000-08:00

A Cook County judge has approved a request by the defense attorney of Chicago Bears tackle Terry "Tank" Johnson to allow the player to travel to the Super Bowl despite being under house arrest while he awaits gun possession charges.

This just proves the old adage that defense attorneys win championships.

Johnson helped his cause by appearing less violent. He changed his nickname to "Lady Bird."

Saddam Copycat Deaths

2007-01-22T20:13:00.000-08:00

At least ten children have died in the past few weeks imitating Saddam's hanging.

The mothers of these children have condemmed the details televised from Saddam's hanging; specifically, the trap door, which has put a hole in the kitchen ceiling.

President's State of the Union

2007-01-22T19:47:00.000-08:00

President Bush will be delivering his State of the Union speech Tuesday night. The administration is concerned about how he will be received.

In fact, one offiical said that they are relieved that the Simon Cowell show comes on before the speech. When it was pointed out that American Idol is taped weeks ago anyway, the official said, "yes, I meant: the President will look a lot better after the country watches those off-key fatties."

Chicago Bears in Super Bowl

2007-01-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

The Chicago Bears beat the New Orleans Saints to advance to the Super Bowl which will be hosted in Miami Febrary Third.

A good many fans from Chicago will be making the trip down there. Someone should probably warn them not to go asking around for sausage in South Beach.

OR

Really big letdown for New Orleans, which had been looking to the team for hope. After the loss to the Bears, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have changed their minds and decided not to move there.

Beckham in Los Angeles

2007-01-21T20:09:00.000-08:00

As you know, David Beckham signed a big deal to play soccer in Los Angeles. League officials are worried about whether he will be a hit with the area's large Hispanic population.

It's been suggested that he drop the Spice Girl in favor of Christina Aguilera.

Hillary Clinton Campaign

2007-01-20T19:11:00.000-08:00

Hillary Clinton declared she is entering the race for the Democratic nomination for president.

She is said to have increased her appeal the past few years among conservatives, by becoming an old lady.

In her announcement, she invited people to converse with her, saying "Let's talk. Let's chat."

She added: "Especially you, Monica. I still really want to have a nice chat with you."

Beautician Kills with Corn Oil

2007-01-19T11:45:00.000-08:00

A beautician was sentenced to 15 years in prison for injecting cooking oil into patients' buttocks, which killed one patient and severely injured others.

The plaintiff's lawyer said the penalty is excessive, because the woman has already learned her Wesson.

Robert E. Lee Birthday

2007-01-19T11:28:00.000-08:00

On this day 200 years ago, General Robert E. Lee was born.

He was an outstanding officer. Remember, if he was born just a little bit more ballsier, we'd all be speaking Southern.

OR

Y'know, Lee is another American who is not very popular here, but is revered in France. They consider him a brilliant surrenderer.

President's Library

2007-01-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

President Bush said he is leaning towards Southern Methodist University as the site to build his presidential library, but a group of Methodist ministers has begun a petition to have SMU take itself out of the running.

But, in good news for the President, the moonies are very interested.

FedEx Anti-Missile Plane

2007-01-18T10:19:00.000-08:00

A FedEx cargo plane equipped with a laser-guided anti-missile system took off from LAX yesterday.

Shareholders of FedEx were pleased to learn that the company is taking seriously the threat from DHL.

California Citrus Loss

2007-01-17T08:57:00.000-08:00

A spell of overnight temperatures below 28 degrees has destroyed most of California's citrus crop, valued at $1 billion.

This shouldn't have been much of a shock. We've been giving the freeze to OJ for 12 years.

OR

This has really put a downer on tomorrow night's Orange Globe awards.

OR

Governor Schwarzenegger is now calling for universal insurance coverage for every orange tree.

NFL game in London

2007-01-16T17:32:00.000-08:00

The NFL announced that London will host a regular season game next season. The city had hosted some exhibition games, but this would be the first meaningful game to be played outside of North America.

When hearing this, a Cleveland Brown player asked, "What's a meaningful game?"

LaDainian Tomlinson said he hopes the Chargers play in the game, because he figures football fans in London must be really classy.

The NFL commissioner said the event would be a success even if there's only a minor brawl.

Said a Londoner: "I'm not so keen on the idea. I suppose you consider this to be a fair trade? You Yanks get Beckham, and you give us a weekend with Tony Romo?"