Bush Speaks to Dems at Retreat

President Bush attended an annual retreat of Congressional Democrats Saturday, in which he apologized for having referred to "the Democrat majority," omitting the "ic." during his State of the Union address.

The Democrats in turn explained that they hadn't been booing him during the State of the Union, they were merely pronouncing his name minus the last two letters.

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Bush pledged to not only restore the 'I' and 'C'; but to create for Congress a big 'I O U.'

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When Bush returned from the meeting, the White House had set up a large banner on the South Lawn that read: "Retreat Accomplished."

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When asked to explain why Bush attended the retreat for the first time in six years, spokesman Tony Snow said "he was looking for his poll numbers which are also retreating."

President's State of the Union Address

President Bush gave his State of the Union speech last night. He proposed a way to increase access to health care for millions of Americans.

However, his plan would exclude 21,000 soldiers.

The President also set a goal of reducing gasoline consumption 20% over the next ten years.

The plan is to get the country to gradually warm to the idea of 'Stay at Home on Hump Day.'

President's Library

President Bush said he is leaning towards Southern Methodist University as the site to build his presidential library, but a group of Methodist ministers has begun a petition to have SMU take itself out of the running.

But, in good news for the President, the moonies are very interested.

New Postal Service

The U.S. Postal Service is launching a new program for businesses that will allow them to track their packages at each step of its delivery, based on barcodes and GPS. The new service is called, "Intelligent Mail."

A draft of a possible advertisement reads, "With a name like 'Intelligent,' you can be sure the President will have no interest in opening your package."

Threatened Polar Bears

The Bush Administration said that polar bears are a threatened species in need of stronger government protection.

The Interior Department is acting on a demand from President Bush, who said he didn't see any polar bears on his Christmas Coke.