Prince Harry in Afghanistan

Britain's Prince Harry has been secretly serving in Afghanistan since mid-December. [ story ]

So that Prince you sold a dime bag to last week in Chelsea was an impostor.

Record-high ratio of Americans in prison

For the first time in American history, more than one in one hundred adults is in jail or prison. [ see story ]

It's taken as a sign of patriotism. People would rather do a winter stint in prison than accept reduced heating oil from Hugo Chavez.

EU Fines Microsoft

The European Union Antitrust Commission has fined Microsoft a record $1.4 billion. [ See story ]

Fortunately for Microsoft, it had the equivalent 40 euros on hand.

Chinese Mad at Spielberg

The Chinese are angry that Steven Spielberg has quit as artistic adviser to the opening and closing ceremonies of the Beijing Summer Olympics. [ see story ]

As a protest, they're threatening not to bootleg any of his films.

Hillary Ixnays Tax Doc Release

Hillary Clinton said she would not release her income tax returns unless she secures the Democratic presidential nomination. [ See story ]

That puts voters in next week's primaries in a real dilemma: vote for change, or find out if pantsuits are deductible.

J.R.R. Tolkein Estate sues New Line Cinema

The estate of J.R.R. Tolkein is suing New Line Cinema, claiming that the movie studio has not paid it any royalties from the film trilogy. [ See story ]

A family spokesperson said that things hadn't gotten so desperate, they routinely forgo second breakfast and first lunch.

McCain and the Conservatives

Republican front-runner John McCain has been trying to appease the party's Conservative coalition. [ See story ]

He spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference yesterday wearing a burka.

Pedro Martinez Cockfight Video

A video that shows New York Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez and Hall of Famer Juan Marichal at a Dominican Republic cockfight was posted on YouTube. The video was taken off YouTube today, and Martinez issued a statement that in the Dominican Republic cockfighting is legal, and that he was asked to attend the fight as "a spectator, not a participant." [ See story ]

Just like his tenure with the Mets.

Mets Sign Johan Santana

The New York Mets introduced their newest starting pitcher, Johan Santana, a 2-time Cy Young Award winner with the Minnesota Twins. [ See story ]

Santana said he was attracted to Shea because of its fine collection of veteran talent, and because the team gives its players the last month of the regular season off.

Al-Qaida on the Move

U.S. intelligence believes that Al-Qaida may be moving cells out of Iraq and into neighboring countries. [ See story ]

In testimony today, the National Intelligence Director presented as evidence a Craig's List ad "Your Morocco basement for my Mosul Pain Cave."

McCain Confident before Super Tuesday

Reporters covering John McCain's campaign say he's increasingly confident he'll prevail in the Super Tuesday state primaries tomorrow.

They say the way he's relaxing and enjoying himself, you'd think he was on Flomax.

Microsoft Bids for Yahoo

Microsoft has offered to buy Yahoo for $45 billion. [ See story ]

Bill Gates said he has the money, and was either going to use it to assure every African has access to basic medicine and nutrition, or that Microsoft has access to tens of millions of Americans' back-up email addresses.

Analysts say its a natural fit, as Yahoo's large graphic ads freeze its users' browsers, and Windows biggest strengths is its ability to repeatedly Control-Alt-Delete any software.

Steve Ballmer announced the offer by slamming 2 pints of Red Hook IPA and screaming, "That's tasty, but wait'll you try a Micro-hoo!"