Britney Spears Divorce Settlement

"Fed-Ex" has reportedly rejected a $25 million offer from Britney Spears.

However, UPS agreed to ship her 162 lb. gift package to U.S. soldiers in Baghdad.

New Microsoft Windows Vista

Microsoft today officially released the consumer versions of the new Windows Vista and Office 2007.

The software is a big improvement but has some bugs. Plus, it seems Microsoft went a bit far in trying to follow Google's strategy of integrating advertising into its products. For example, if you are in Word and type "Dear Dad", a dancing Paper Clip appears, and asks "Looks like you're writing a letter to your mother. Do you want to order envelopes or do you want to lower your monthly mortgage payments so you don't have to hit her up for yet another loan?"

Prince Charles Visit to New York

Prince Charles and his wife Camilla visited New York City Sunday. During the trip, Al Gore presented the prince with an environmental award.


It honors Prince Charles for making any environment he visits so dull, that Al Gore looks interesting by comparison.

The royal couple also visited Harlem.

They were interrupted a dozen times by different people muttering: "Camilla! I got a cousin named Camilla. Give me a million dollars."

Caffeinated Donuts

A North Carolina scientist has invented caffeinated donuts: each donut contains the equivalent of two cups of coffee.

So, just four donuts would equal a Starbucks Venti coffee.

OR

The inventor sees it as the multi-tasking equivalent to donuts' most devout customer: the policeman. "We ask our policemen to both serve and to protect. Shouldn't their snack food both stimulate and fatten at once?"

Said a police officer at the local Dunky's: "Sarge better not use this to cut our break time in half."

OR

Starbucks said it doesn't view the caffeinated donut as a substitute for coffee: "Our research shows that the #1 reason consumers purchase our coffee is for the 'As I See It' series printed on Starbucks cups. ..... The #2 reason is to avoid saving."

(for Lenos)
Aren't we getting lazy in this country? We can't even dunk our donuts in coffee anymore.......

Prince Charles Visit to Philly

Prince Charles and his wife Camilla are visiting Philadelphia this weekend.

Prince Charles said that for cheesesteaks, he prefers Geno's over Pat's; and for children, William over Henry.

Michael Jackson Back in the USA

Michael Jackson is back in the U.S. after a year of 'self-imposed exile' living in France and Ireland.

He said he was glad to be back because Europe is "so weird."

Jackson said that Ireland freaked him out because the people were so dark.And in France he assumed the men would be interested in an attractive, successful woman, but nobody asked him out.

CBS is glad Jackson has returned. Now their selection of Prince to perform at the Super Bowl appears to be a conservative choice.

Jackson's spokesman said Jackson had to attend to the business you would expect of someone returning from abroad: suing his business manager and borrowing against the Beatles publishing royalties.
He said he's also determined to get "all that Night in the Museum stuff" into Neverland.

First and foremost, though, out of respect: he plans to sleep in James Brown's casket.

U. of North Carolina Mistake

UNC-Chapel Hill accidentally sent congratulations on acceptance in an email to 2,700 applicants whose admission status won't be determined until March.

The prospective students said they were a bit shook up by the mistake, but they preferred it to Duke's practice of prematurely pronouncing students as guilty of rape.

President's State of the Union Address

President Bush gave his State of the Union speech last night. He proposed a way to increase access to health care for millions of Americans.

However, his plan would exclude 21,000 soldiers.

The President also set a goal of reducing gasoline consumption 20% over the next ten years.

The plan is to get the country to gradually warm to the idea of 'Stay at Home on Hump Day.'

New Jersey Miss USA Resigns

Miss New Jersey USA resigned last week after becoming pregnant.

Ironically, her mother had also given up her crown. She had it removed from her molar, and sold the gold to pay for the contest's evening dress.

OR

So, a 46 year old woman from Trenton will be crowned. ... (yeah)... because her health insurance covers the dental procedure.

Chicago Bears Gunman

A Cook County judge has approved a request by the defense attorney of Chicago Bears tackle Terry "Tank" Johnson to allow the player to travel to the Super Bowl despite being under house arrest while he awaits gun possession charges.

This just proves the old adage that defense attorneys win championships.

Johnson helped his cause by appearing less violent. He changed his nickname to "Lady Bird."

Saddam Copycat Deaths

At least ten children have died in the past few weeks imitating Saddam's hanging.

The mothers of these children have condemmed the details televised from Saddam's hanging; specifically, the trap door, which has put a hole in the kitchen ceiling.

President's State of the Union

President Bush will be delivering his State of the Union speech Tuesday night. The administration is concerned about how he will be received.

In fact, one offiical said that they are relieved that the Simon Cowell show comes on before the speech. When it was pointed out that American Idol is taped weeks ago anyway, the official said, "yes, I meant: the President will look a lot better after the country watches those off-key fatties."

Chicago Bears in Super Bowl

The Chicago Bears beat the New Orleans Saints to advance to the Super Bowl which will be hosted in Miami Febrary Third.

A good many fans from Chicago will be making the trip down there. Someone should probably warn them not to go asking around for sausage in South Beach.

OR

Really big letdown for New Orleans, which had been looking to the team for hope. After the loss to the Bears, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have changed their minds and decided not to move there.

Beckham in Los Angeles

As you know, David Beckham signed a big deal to play soccer in Los Angeles. League officials are worried about whether he will be a hit with the area's large Hispanic population.

It's been suggested that he drop the Spice Girl in favor of Christina Aguilera.

Hillary Clinton Campaign

Hillary Clinton declared she is entering the race for the Democratic nomination for president.

She is said to have increased her appeal the past few years among conservatives, by becoming an old lady.

In her announcement, she invited people to converse with her, saying "Let's talk. Let's chat."

She added: "Especially you, Monica. I still really want to have a nice chat with you."

Beautician Kills with Corn Oil

A beautician was sentenced to 15 years in prison for injecting cooking oil into patients' buttocks, which killed one patient and severely injured others.

The plaintiff's lawyer said the penalty is excessive, because the woman has already learned her Wesson.

Robert E. Lee Birthday

On this day 200 years ago, General Robert E. Lee was born.

He was an outstanding officer. Remember, if he was born just a little bit more ballsier, we'd all be speaking Southern.

OR

Y'know, Lee is another American who is not very popular here, but is revered in France. They consider him a brilliant surrenderer.

President's Library

President Bush said he is leaning towards Southern Methodist University as the site to build his presidential library, but a group of Methodist ministers has begun a petition to have SMU take itself out of the running.

But, in good news for the President, the moonies are very interested.

FedEx Anti-Missile Plane

A FedEx cargo plane equipped with a laser-guided anti-missile system took off from LAX yesterday.

Shareholders of FedEx were pleased to learn that the company is taking seriously the threat from DHL.

California Citrus Loss

A spell of overnight temperatures below 28 degrees has destroyed most of California's citrus crop, valued at $1 billion.

This shouldn't have been much of a shock. We've been giving the freeze to OJ for 12 years.

OR

This has really put a downer on tomorrow night's Orange Globe awards.

OR

Governor Schwarzenegger is now calling for universal insurance coverage for every orange tree.

NFL game in London

The NFL announced that London will host a regular season game next season. The city had hosted some exhibition games, but this would be the first meaningful game to be played outside of North America.

When hearing this, a Cleveland Brown player asked, "What's a meaningful game?"

LaDainian Tomlinson said he hopes the Chargers play in the game, because he figures football fans in London must be really classy.

The NFL commissioner said the event would be a success even if there's only a minor brawl.

Said a Londoner: "I'm not so keen on the idea. I suppose you consider this to be a fair trade? You Yanks get Beckham, and you give us a weekend with Tony Romo?"

French WWI vet dies

One of France's last remaining World War I veterans died Tuesday, at age 108.

He is said to have spent the past ten years with dementia, recalling acts of French battlefield bravery.

Chinese Ferris Wheels

The city of Shanghai has cancelled plans to build the world's largest Ferris wheel, but another Chinese town, Jiangxi, opened a Ferris Wheel in May that it says is the tallest.

This explains all the signs around Shanghai that read, "Save Ferris."
-or-
What explains this Chinese enthusiasm for Ferris Wheels? It seems one of the more popular fortunes found in fortune cookies, reads, "What goes around comes around."
-or-
Shanghail said that before the wheel is built, it must produce and train a new breed of super-carnies.
-or-
Shanghai is still going ahead with plans to build the world's largest Elephant Ear.
-or-
Ah, the simple, peaceful Chinese, with their food, factories and Ferris Wheels... don't they know there's a war on?

Congress Smoke Ban

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has banned smoking in the lobby outside the House floor.

But she said Republicans are welcome to another smoking in November '08.

Stolen Puppies

Thieves broke into a Bridgeport, Ct apartment and stole four puppies worth $10,000 sired by last year's best of breed winner at the Westminster Dog Show.

The owner has vowed to track down the thieves at next month's Danbury Puppy Pageant.

OR

The sad thing is, the dog's owner was planning to put them down to purchase a condo.

Europe's Warm Winter

The extra-mild winter in Europe has led to early blooming of trees. Health officials have warned people who suffer from allergies that the pollen season will start much earlier.

In a delicately worded statement, the EU Commision on Health has suggested that "if you are French, and suffer from the allergies, maybe you do not stick the nose in the air so much."

New Mexico School Bus Attack

Two teenage sisters in New Mexico beat up a classmate on a bus ride. Tuesday, they were sentenced to a year of probabtion and 75 hours of community service.

During the sentencing, the judge asked the girls, 'Can't you just have pencil fights like civilized children?'

New Postal Service

The U.S. Postal Service is launching a new program for businesses that will allow them to track their packages at each step of its delivery, based on barcodes and GPS. The new service is called, "Intelligent Mail."

A draft of a possible advertisement reads, "With a name like 'Intelligent,' you can be sure the President will have no interest in opening your package."

Thailand Turtle

A rare turtle thought to be extinct in Thailand, was discovered by a villager there this week.

Villagers had been expecting it to show up for dinner five years ago. It turns out the turtle was just far more slower than previously thought.

Florida Trailer Park

A Florida beachfront trailer park has voted to accept a $500 million buyout from a condominium developer.

The buyer made a comment, though, that offended some in the community. He said, "That's a hell of an amount to pay for trash removal."

Poland Church Woes

Poland's archbishop and another top priest have resigned due to revelations that they cooperated with the secret police back in the communist era. But, there are reports that collaboration between the church and secret police was common throughout Eastern Europe.

As this photo shows:


OR

In fact, while he was still a KGB-trainee, Russian President Putin was an altar boy in St. Petersburg.

Apples iPhone

Apple introduced a new "iPhone" that stores up to 4GB of iTunes music and will work on the Cingular network.

Steve Jobs touted some of the phone's capabilities, such as seducing your callers by implying that you are at a rockin' party.

Verizon also announced a deal, with Anheuser-Busch, to market a "dui Phone." It holds 12oz of Budweiser, allowing for unlimited drunk dialing and drunk texting after 2am.

Yahoo for Phones

Yahoo on Monday introduced software for mobile phones that lets subscribers call up ad-supported services for news, maps, weather, and email.

Wow, it seems just three years ago that everyone was joining the Do Not Call List to avoid marketers. Now, we're expected to program our phones to call them...

Malibu Wildfire

A wildfire in Malibu destroyed four mansions, including the home of Suzanne Somers.

Firefighters were able to put out the blaze before it spread to the Regal Beagle.

OR

Police consoled Ms. Somers by promising her complimentary uniforms to replace her destroyed "She's the Sheriff" wardrobe.

OR

Said Somers: "My house was fired, but it was my decision to leave 'Three's Company.'"

OR

Somers has vowed to rebuild the house to be "bioidentical" to the original.

OR

The wildfire provided a convenient cover for Somers, who had left her stove on.

OR

The sixty-year old Somers had let her insurance lapse while in Vegas. But she's vowed to make a financial and career comeback, by re-entering the ring for Thighmaster 5 and Thighmaster 6.
(bad "Rocky" references)

Miami Bomb Threat

Miami police destroyed a box that was to be loaded onto a Caribbean cruise ship because it tested positive six-times as an explosive. Later, the bomb squad determined that the contents were only plastic sprinkler parts.

But the damage was already done: Royal Caribbean announced that its Slip and Slide Tuesday event had been cancelled, and will be replaced by shuffle board.

OR

Fortunately, a local Home Depot rushed a replacement box of sprinkler parts, so that the cruise's Wet Tee-Shirt contest can go on as scheduled.

OR

When asked if he regretted the mistake, a Coast Guard spokesman said, "Oh sure, like the Islanders need any help growing weed..."

OR

And so the bread fruit crop, so important to the West Indies economy, remains at risk until the country's sprinkler can be replaced.

New Orleans Curfew

The City of New Orleans is considering a curfew in response to eight murders in the past week.

Even if it doesn't stem the violence, it will assure that the Saints are well rested for their playoff game next Saturday.

OR

Sounds like a good idea. Curfews have been a big success in Baghdad....

Jersey Meteorite

A mysterious rock-like object crashed through the roof of a New Jersey home this week; scientists have now identified it as a meteorite.

Scientists believe it might be a warning from a rival Jupiter family. On the meteorite is written, "Keep outta Mars."

Purchasing Embargo

A group of ten friends in San Francisco have made international news and gained a large following by keeping a compact to give up buying new non-essential products for the recently ended year.

This news has not been welcomed by the Advertising Industry. In fact, the group members have been blocked from using any of Google's services until they disavow the experiment.

OR

One drawback though: now the group members have to wait five years before opening an account with Gmail.

400 Year Old Italian Murder Mystery

Scientists in Italy believe they've found proof that the Grand Duke of Tuscany and his wife were poisoned by the duke's brother 400 years ago, instead of having died from malaria.

They say the evidence was found after archaeologists unearthed what is believed to be the world's oldest Olive Garden.

OR

The brother had to resort to arsenic, after the couple refused his anniversary present of a trip to Haiti.

Colorado Cows Rescue Mission

The blizzards in the Plains that dumped 3 feet of snow and created 10 foot-high drifts have cut off thousands of cows from a food source for days.
National Guardsmen and emergency workers have been airlifting haystacks to the cattle.

One fatigued Guardsmen has given the mission a rallying cry, or anthem:

I said, Hay! Moo! Snow's like a shroud.
Hay! Moo! Snow's like a shroud .
Hay! Moo! Snow's like a shroud.
Don't hang around, cows chew real loud.
On my cloud, baby.

Toyota Passes Chrysler

For the first time, Toyota's yearly sales in the U.S. topped Chrysler, which slid to Number 4, after GM, Ford, and Toyota.

Lee Iaccoca is rolling in his grave... and his co-spokesman, Snoop Dogg, well, he's just rolling down the street, smoking Indo.

OR

Said a Chrysler spokesperson, "We're pleased to point out that any and all U.S Presidents with the last name Chrysler, are not dead."

OR

Chrysler plans to retake the No. 2 spot next year, by introducing a Retro Millenium K-Car.

OR

Chrysler said retaking the No. 2 spot is as easy as bringing back Plymouth.

OR

Said a beaming Toyota executive: "For all the Americans flag waving, car buyers are a thrifty, lazy lot that will sell out its country men for a shiny piece of plastic."

Garbage Truck Rescue

An unemployed Michigan man who said he fell asleep in a garbage truck while collecting bottles and cans, was able to contact police from a cell phone, leading to his rescue just before the truck was about to compact its load.

He said he didn't want to die after having loaded $50 on his Boost Mobile phone.

OR

Fortunately for the man, the truck contained a pile of old phones from local tweens who had gotten new Christmas phones.

Bully Taxis

Five yellow cabs, covered in fake cowhide and decorated with bull's horns on the roof, lined up outside Madison Square Garden on Tuesday, to promote a two-day Invitational Bull Riders event.

The location of MSG was an easy choice, organizers said, seeing how New Yorkers are used to a lot of bull from the New York Knicks.

OR

The event means that for at least 2 days, Isiah Thomas won't be responsible for the B.S. in the Garden.

Saddam Hanging

Saddam Hussein was hanged Saturday morning. President Bush called it "an important milestone on Iraq's course to becoming a democracy that can govern, sustain, and defend itself."

Now there's just 1828 mass murderers to bring to justice.