Stephen Hawking Seeks Space Trip

British scientist Stephen Hawking declared that humans must colonize other solar systems to assure its survival.

President Bush said it sounded like a good idea, and that America would do its part by connecting these solar systems to Nine - Eleven.

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Hawkings said these inter-galactic colonies might provide an unlimited supply of second wives.

Pfizer job cuts

Pfizer announced today it will cut its sales force by 20%.

The cuts should have a major impact of the medical industry. Next Thursday 60% of the nation's doctors will be without dinner plans.

Bush twins in Argentina

President Bush's twin daughters have been vacationing in Argentina the past week. The U.S. Embassy has reportedly asked the twins to cut their trip short, after a string of incidents that includes what one local newspaper called a naked run through their hotel hallway.

The White House has denied that the twins have been asked to leave, but has acknowledged that their trip had entered a "nude phase."

South Korea to kill cats, dogs

Due to an outbreak of the bird flu, South Korea will slaughter thousands of cats and dogs in the infected area. Health experts at the U.N. describe the measure as "extreme" and question its validity.

In a related story, Bob Barker has fired the Korean translator of "The Price is Right."

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Said a Korean health official: they are going to God's kitchen.

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The Korean health ministry also defended its decision to kill each cat nine times.

Mars Probe AWOL

NASA said it's been more than 3 weeks since it received any communication from its 10-year old Mars spacecraft.

NASA is especially perplexed because the craft was recently given its own cellphone.

The Mars Exploration team has written it off as: "an ungrateful tween."

Jesse Jackson Hosting Michael Richards

Michael Richards will be a guest on the Jesse Jackson show this week.

Jackson said he wants to give a second chance to the "hymie."

Richards has hired a public relations guru to help rehabilitate his image. But he has yet to hire a comedy coach. He wants to reshape his image from that of an unfunny racist to an unfunny desperado.

Bad Turkey Day Joke

(this is to make up for yesterday's day off...er)

I was in a car yesterday with a pilgrim from 17th century Plymouth Rock. I told him to buckle up. He pointed to his head, and said: "Hello, hat check."

Macy's Parade

Heavy winds and rain during the Thanksgiving Parade caused Macy's to fly its balloons at just 17 feet.

Parade organizers described it as a healthy level: low like Studio 60 ratings but not "Judith Reagan low."

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

New Zealand Icebergs

In New Zealand people are paying $300 for helicopter rides to view drifting icebergs from Antarctica.

One company is offering a package trip. For $2,500 it takes tourists to Fresno, Calfornia Iceberg Lettuce Country.

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The U.S. has pledged an immediate grant to provide cable access to the country.

OJ Simpson Show Not to Air

Fox has cancelled the on-air confession by O.J. Simpson scheduled for this week, due to complaints that it was insensitive.

Fox is reconfiguring the show, and will broadcast it next month. It's to be titled "Simpson" and will feature Michael Richards as O.J.'s neighbor.

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It's part of Fox's new programming philoshophy to remove insensitive material. In fact, it's ordered its affiliates to edit-out from Seinfeld re-runs, any appearance by Michael Richards.

Cotton as Food

Texas A & M Researchers have devised a way to genetically modify cottonseed to make it edible to humans.

This is welcome news to the millions of Americans who suffer from 'cotton mouth.'

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Soon you'll be fighting with your dog over that stuffed teddy bear. "Fido, Fido!! Put that down! .... that's mommy's dinner."

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(for the Lenos)
Too bad they can't do the same for (fill in blank with derogatory food product/restaurant). "Maybe Taco Bell should hire these guys."

Train Kills Elephants

In India, two elephants have been killed in the past week by trains.

The victims' families have vowed to never forget the tragedy.

Times Square Bathroom

Charmin will be operating a large luxurious public bathroom in Times Square over the holidays, featuring a waiting room with TVs, plush couches, and a fireplace.

The restroom has eliminated the only practical reason for entering a McDonalds.

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And after each flush, the Charmin Teddy Bear wipes you.

Weatherman's Nude Pic

A Virginia NBC station fired its weatherman after finding nude photos of him on a Myspace page.

The station said it expects its meteorologists to show more humidity.

And so, for the fired weatherman, it's back to the forecasting couch.

Bush Visits Vietnam

President Bush visited Vietnam Saturday, saying he wants to focus on the future rather than dwell on the years our countries were at war.

His hosts have been respectful of that wish. No one has said a thing about Bush's weekends with the Alabama National Guard.

Republican Presidential Maybe

A former Bush administration aide, Tommy Thompson, is exploring running for President in 2008.

Apparently he's hoping voters will think that as a White House insider, he'll know where all the good ideas are buried.

Playstation Mayhem

There have been scores of robbberies across the country, some involving stabbings and shootings, as thugs have tried to intercept the rare new Sony Playstation.

Said a Connecticut victim: "It was awesome. Like being in Grand Theft Auto."

One of the perpetrators claims that he thought it was okay to stab a stranger, since O.J. Simpson's bragging about his murders again.

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This turns the conventional theory on its head. Apparently, it's violence that leads to video games.

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Arent't kids supposed to play the video games first and Then turn to violence?

Pelosi Pal Fails to Win House Majority Leader

Incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's endorsement was not enough to elevate her long-time ally James Murtha to position of Majority Leader.

So Pelosi learned a harsh lesson: Some old faces just can't be lifted.

Bears roaming Siberia

In Siberia, bears are roaming the countryside because it hasn't been cold enough to start hibernating.

It's gotten so warm in Siberia, that Russian citizens now only have to mildly disagree with Putin to be sent there.

Al-Jazeera launches English channel

Al-Jazeera launched an English-language news channel, but it hasn't been picked up by any major U.S. carrier.

But NBC will be airing a new drama about the making of an Arab news show run by an angry Allah.

It's called:
Stewed Old Deity on the Gaza Strip.

Airline to Cater to Smokers

A German company is forming an airline that will allow - and encourage - passengers and the crew to smoke during flights.

When asked about the potential profitability of the venture, the founder predicted: "our balance sheet will be blacker than our customers' lungs."

If they hire flight attendants from the defunct Hooters Air, the airline will have some smoking hot stewardesses.

It's not known whether the flights will be more or less secure as a result of an Al Queda fatwa against smoking. Said one analyst: "Hijacking should take a backseat to hi-hacking."

Instead of setting up a Frequent Flyer program, the airline will allow customers to redeem their Marlboro Miles.

Burrito versus sandwich

A Massachusetts judge ruled that a burrito is not a sandwich, denying the Panera Bread Co.'s bid to keep the Qdoba Mexican Grill from opening in a shopping center where Panera's lease guarantees it is the only sandwich shop.

Panera has another line of defense, which is to build a 700 mile wall along the Mexican border.

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In a similar case, a Texas judge ruled that System of a Down is not a metal band, ruling they can not share shelf space with Pantera.

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Said a Panera executive: "Dang! Foiled by a burrito!"

Scientists build model gut

British scientists have built an artificial stomach that simulates the human digestive process.

The scientists said they made the metal and plastic model to test how glucose is absorbed in the bloodstream, to help develop new nutrients, and to provide a snappy retort when a rival tells them he 'hates their guts.'

The software-controlled stomach is so realistic, it even vomits during 'American Idol.'

In its first experiment, it will be fed Thanksgiving dinner, to study "Turkey Coma."

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Shouldn't the British be concerned first with developing modern dentistry?

Guns N Roses Cancel Concert

Guns N Roses cancelled a concert in Portland, Maine this week after being told that state law would forbid them from drinking alcohol on stage.

Angry ticket holders wanting to see the band were told: Use Your Illusion.

Axl Rose said if he had wanted to stay sober, he'd have finished "Chinese Democracy" within eight years.

The ban on boozing by performers isn't the only self-defeating law in Maine. In restaurants, diners are prohibited from eating lobsters.

When Kevin Federline learned of the cancellation, he announced: "I'll fill in. I'll play in Maine... where is that?"

The band released a statement on its website: "Playing a show without drinking is as ridiculous as touring without Slash."

Axl Rose added: "We apologize to fans, but it would have been the bleakest November night since the recording of 'November Rain.'

Russia, China space projects

Russia and China announced yesterday they would cooperate on a Mars exploration and other space projects.

Each country has a rich history of contributions to space technology. The Russians, with Sputnik. The Chinese, of course, invented Orange Tang.

Drug recall

A generic drug maker has recalled 11 million bottles of generic tylenol that's sold at CVS, Wal-Mart, and other stores.

There's nothing really wrong with the pills. The company just expects less demand for headache relief now that Donald Rumsfeld has resigned.

Norway ranked #1 country to live

The United Nations ranked Norway as the best country to live in, for the sixth straight year.

The biggest factors are the generous government services, and that only 12% of Americans can find it on a map.

LA Fireman Awarded $2.7 million

The City of Los Angeles is awarding $2.7 million dollars in damages to a fireman who was served dog food and spaghetti by his co-workers.

The City will also pay him an additional $60,000 if he agrees to enter flaming buildings and save lives.

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This really lowers the bar for Fear Factor.

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Gosh, I thought dogfood was cheap.

Britney Spears and K-Fed

Britney Spears filed for divorce Monday from aspiring rapper Kevin Federline. A "K-Fed" concert in Cleveland was cancelled last week because of low-ticket sales. And this past Saturday he performed at New York's Wagner Hall in front of 70 people.

Britney was shocked and dismayed to learn that he had that many illegitate children.

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Britney Spears filed for divorce Monday from aspiring rapper Kevin Federline. Things look bleak for "K-Fed." Saturday, his show at New York's Webster Hall was almost cancelled because only 70 people showed up... and 40 of those were children he had fathered.

Washington State mudslides

Heavy rain caused flooding and mudslides in Washington State and is expected to inflict tens of millions of dollars in property damage.

Republicans in Washington, D.C. are paying close attention, to learn what it's like to lose your House.

Evangelical leader confesses

Members of Colorado Springs' New Life Church expressed forgiveness, love, and brotherhood for disgraced Rev. Ted Haggard, who confessed to being a "deceiver and a liar."

Said one: "we would no sooner desert Rev. Haggard than we would stop supporting President Bush for his relentless deception and lies about Iraq."

Said another: "who amongst us hasn't had drug-fueled homosexual trysts?"

College for Deaf Dismisses New President

Last week the board of trustees of Gallaudet, the nation's largest college for the deaf, revoked the appointment of its incoming president after student and faculty protests that she wasn't "deaf enough."

The board issued a statement that it heard the students' protests "loud and clear," causing students to demand the resignation of every board member.

Evangelical leader bought Meth

The Reverand Ted Haggard, who is accused of taking drugs and paying a man for sex the past 3 years, denied having sex with the man, and yet has admitted that he did one time purchase meth, but "never used it. I was tempted but never used it."

When asked to produce the unconsumed meth, he said he wanted it somewhere out of the way where he wouldn't see it, so he had his wife hide it somewhere in her bedroom.

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When asked to produce the unconsumed meth, he said he had flushed it down his "fabulous French toilet."

Tom Cruise Movie Deal

Tom Cruise has been put in charge of the movie production company UA.

Cruise said he knows it is a change in career, but "looks forward to hanging around all those auto workers and telling them what to do." Turns out he mistakenly thought he was going to head the UAW.

John Kerry Army Insult

John Kerry is still trying to apologize for his remarks to college students that if they don't study hard and keep their grades up, they'll get stuck in the military. Now Kerry's saying he had 'botched' a joke.

What he meant to say, was, if you don't keep good grades in college, you'll end up having to marry some crazy old ketchup heiress in order to live well.

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What he meant to say, was, if you're not intelligent, you have to hire aides to write jokes for you, and even then there's no guarantee you will deliver it correctly.

Divers Digging up Blackbeard's Ship

Divers off the North Carolina coast are searching for artifacts from the famous pirate 'Blackbeard' all this month. They've already found some pieces believed to be from his ship.

The National Retailers Association released a statement: "Some consumers may find interest in this excavation of 'Blackbeard,' but do not do so at the expense of remembering a certain 'Whitebeard'---Santa Claus. November begins the Christmas season."