Whaling Protesters Toss Butter

Anti-whaling activists sprayed a Japanese whaling ship near Antarctica with butyric, mild form of acid made from spoiled butter, but no passenger of the vessel was impacted. [ Story ]

So it seems the great ocean vessel is immune to the butter from the land of lakes.

Prince Harry in Afghanistan

Britain's Prince Harry has been secretly serving in Afghanistan since mid-December. [ story ]

So that Prince you sold a dime bag to last week in Chelsea was an impostor.

Record-high ratio of Americans in prison

For the first time in American history, more than one in one hundred adults is in jail or prison. [ see story ]

It's taken as a sign of patriotism. People would rather do a winter stint in prison than accept reduced heating oil from Hugo Chavez.

EU Fines Microsoft

The European Union Antitrust Commission has fined Microsoft a record $1.4 billion. [ See story ]

Fortunately for Microsoft, it had the equivalent 40 euros on hand.

Chinese Mad at Spielberg

The Chinese are angry that Steven Spielberg has quit as artistic adviser to the opening and closing ceremonies of the Beijing Summer Olympics. [ see story ]

As a protest, they're threatening not to bootleg any of his films.

Hillary Ixnays Tax Doc Release

Hillary Clinton said she would not release her income tax returns unless she secures the Democratic presidential nomination. [ See story ]

That puts voters in next week's primaries in a real dilemma: vote for change, or find out if pantsuits are deductible.

J.R.R. Tolkein Estate sues New Line Cinema

The estate of J.R.R. Tolkein is suing New Line Cinema, claiming that the movie studio has not paid it any royalties from the film trilogy. [ See story ]

A family spokesperson said that things hadn't gotten so desperate, they routinely forgo second breakfast and first lunch.

McCain and the Conservatives

Republican front-runner John McCain has been trying to appease the party's Conservative coalition. [ See story ]

He spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference yesterday wearing a burka.

Pedro Martinez Cockfight Video

A video that shows New York Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez and Hall of Famer Juan Marichal at a Dominican Republic cockfight was posted on YouTube. The video was taken off YouTube today, and Martinez issued a statement that in the Dominican Republic cockfighting is legal, and that he was asked to attend the fight as "a spectator, not a participant." [ See story ]

Just like his tenure with the Mets.

Mets Sign Johan Santana

The New York Mets introduced their newest starting pitcher, Johan Santana, a 2-time Cy Young Award winner with the Minnesota Twins. [ See story ]

Santana said he was attracted to Shea because of its fine collection of veteran talent, and because the team gives its players the last month of the regular season off.

Al-Qaida on the Move

U.S. intelligence believes that Al-Qaida may be moving cells out of Iraq and into neighboring countries. [ See story ]

In testimony today, the National Intelligence Director presented as evidence a Craig's List ad "Your Morocco basement for my Mosul Pain Cave."

McCain Confident before Super Tuesday

Reporters covering John McCain's campaign say he's increasingly confident he'll prevail in the Super Tuesday state primaries tomorrow.

They say the way he's relaxing and enjoying himself, you'd think he was on Flomax.

Microsoft Bids for Yahoo

Microsoft has offered to buy Yahoo for $45 billion. [ See story ]

Bill Gates said he has the money, and was either going to use it to assure every African has access to basic medicine and nutrition, or that Microsoft has access to tens of millions of Americans' back-up email addresses.

Analysts say its a natural fit, as Yahoo's large graphic ads freeze its users' browsers, and Windows biggest strengths is its ability to repeatedly Control-Alt-Delete any software.

Steve Ballmer announced the offer by slamming 2 pints of Red Hook IPA and screaming, "That's tasty, but wait'll you try a Micro-hoo!"

Folgers to become separate company

Proctor and Gamble said it would spin-off Folgers into a separate company due to slower sales growth than the rest of its units. [ See story ]

P & G said that too many consumers couldn't distinguish it from other P & G brands, such as Tide.

P & G said it would leave a note with forwarding address when Peter returns home for Christmas next year.

Sales did not rise after a recent ad campaign which featured a group of retirees playing cards, drinking coffee, with the tagline "Old Fogies Drink Folgers."

P & G said it planned to shake things up by brining in outsiders to manage the new company, such as those 3 hip baristas from that Starbucks on 6th Ave and 12th street.

A P & G spokesperson said it's obvious that to most people, the best part of waking up is rubbing stuff on your skin.

for the dummies:

Apparently, a lot of people COULD tell the difference.

The company plans to honor Folgers before the split by giving it a roast.

Nigerian Spammers Plead Guilty

Three people have pleaded guilty to charges related to spam e-mail that promised U.S. victims millions of dollars from an estate and a lottery, the U.S. Department of Justice announced Wednesday. [ See story ]

But the three Africans have already moved on to greater success with their newest spam, raising money for their legal defense fund.

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And their more than 4,000 American victims have admitted to being dumb as rocks.

Kennedy Endorses Obama

Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama for president yesterday. [ See story ]

At a rally for his wife, former President Clinton downplayed the news. Clinton reminded voters that he himself was endorsed 16 years ago by the Massachusetts senator. "And we all know what a dirtbag I am..."

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But in a nod to his years of friendship with the former First couple, Kennedy said they may still crash at his Martha's Vineyard home "off-season."

Pill Prevents Ovarian Cancer

British scientists published a report today that taking the birth control pill for 15 years cuts in half the chances of a woman getting ovarian cancer, and that it keeps the risk low even 30 years after last taking it. [ See story ]

The study also pointed out that the anticancer properties would work even in extraordinarily screwed-up women, such as Britney Spears.

Congress Agree to Economic Deal

Hoping to boost the economy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Republican leader John Boehner, and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson negotiated a tax rebate deal that will give $300-$1200 checks to Americans this spring. [ See story ]

When asked about his own involvement with the stimulus package, President Bush said that he made mistakes as a young adult, but has been clean for years.

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Senate majority leader Harry Reid said he'd defer to Pelosi because "she knows all about giving things 'lifts.'"

China's Prez Wants More Propaganda

China's President told a meeting of top government officials that they must step up their propaganda efforts. [ See story ].

He said now is the time to finally nail the coffin shut and bury the hated fork.

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It's good to know Karl Rove won't be out of work much longer.

Condi Talks up U.S. Economy

At the World Economic Forum in Switzerland, U.S. Secretary of State Condi Rice said that despite the fears of a recession, the U.S. economy is "resilient." [ See story ]

She explained: the country is just full of $5 words.

Thompson quits Prez Race

Fred Thompson withdrew from the Republican presidential race Tuesday. [ See story ]

Thompson said that as fine as an actor as he is, he couldn't pretend to give a rat's ass about the country.

But his chin announced it would stick it out.

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Rudy Giuliani, competing in his first state vote, said he hopes to pick up where Thompson left off.

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Thompson said he feared his gorgeous wife was beginning to think he was a loser.

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The question now is which of the remaining candidates will pick up Thompson's dozen supporters?

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Thompson said he'd be in Florida anyway, to film Days of Thunder II.

Jack Nicholson Love Hopes

Jack Nicholson said in an interview that he wants to fall in love again. [See story]

At this point in his life, though, he is more likely to fall and break his hip.

Clinton's Stewardess Spoof

Hillary Clinton welcomed the press corp onto her campaign plane yesterday with a humorous spoof of the standard flight attendant safety speech. [See story]

The press responded with a long drawn-out collective cackle that lasted the entire trip.

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No feelings were hurt, as the stewardess on duty was busy showing Clinton's husband how to operate the lavatory.

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An angered flight attendant attempted to ground the plane, announcing "Great takeoff, Miss Hillary. Now that will be the only takeoff y'all are gonna get today," before being overpowered by an AP reporter.

Giuliani Declares self an Agent of Change

Republican Rudy Giuliani declared himself a "change agent" on Monday, saying he brought more change to New York City than any other mayor. [See story]

He noted that when he was mayor, New York City's subway began remitting the Susan B. Anthony dollar.

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His statement was harshly denied by New York's Homeless Organization which said he did not bring enough of the 'spare' kind of change.

Lawn Mower DWI

A New Zealand man was arrested Monday for driving a lawn mower while drunk. [See story]

The police released this photo of his field sobriety test:

Australia cancels uranium sale

Australia's government said it would not sell uranium to India unless the country signs the global non-proliferation treaty. [ See story ]

The new prime minister said the Indians could "have Naan."

Consumer Spending Drops

In a bad sign for the economy, consumer spending at retailers dropped .4% in December. [See Story]

Economists have pinpointed it to a Macy's "Take .4 Percent Off Christmas Sale."

France to set up military base in UAE

France announced today it will build a 'permanent' 500-man military base in the United Arab Emirates. (see story)

In announcing the deal, French President Nicolas Sarkozy said, "and by 'permanent', I mean like a wedding vow."

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NATO's been asking for 2 years for French to send troops to help in Afghanistan. But it turns out the French prefer the 'fancy part' of the Middle East. Said Sarkozy: "We flipped coin: fight Taliban or be near giant man-made luxury island. Taliban lost."