John Hopkins Halloween Party

A fraternity at John Hopkins University was suspended after hosting a, “Halloween in the Hood” party that played on some racial stereotypes.

John Hopkin's president also ordered the fraternity's members to perform lab work to identify the gene that causes social ineptitude.

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In response, the fraternity's leader said that the suspension of their activities is so not an equal and opposite reaction.

Wind storms hit Northeast

Massive wind storms along the North East caused at least 2 deaths, and knocked out electricity for thousands.

To see footage of the destruction, look during Monday Night Football for Chevrolet's new "This is Our Country" ad.

Iraq Prime Minister 'Not America's Man'

Iraq's Prime Minister was quoted as saying that, "while he is a friend, he is not America's man in Iraq."

He said that, due to security concerns in Baghdad, he'd prefer to be America's man in Saint-Tropez.

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In fact, he said, he's not even sure if he's a man.

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So, who is America's man in Iraq? David Hasselhoff, whose popularity there now exceeds his earlier success in Germany.

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Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, I am so not the American man in Iran. I'm the opposite of America's man in Iran.. and I am not even her friend."

Drug raid tuns up nuclear secrets

The FBI has found that hard drives storing classified documents from the Los Alamos nuclear lab were sold to a local drug dealer for methamphetamine.

This is good news for our nation's security. North Korea may have tested a bomb, but they don't even have nuclear warheads. America, on the other hand, has developed nuclear meth heads.

Snoop Dogg arrested on gun, drug charges

Police arrested Snoop Dogg at California's Bob Hope Airport after finding marijuanna and a gun in his car.

Snoop's attorney said his client had every reason to be carrying those items, because he was scheduled to fly on Southwest.

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Good thing for Snoop he put his attorney in his T-Mobile "Top 5."

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T-Mobile announced they would not drop him as a spokesperson, because it would be hypocritical... seeing how their recently launched slogan is: 'Stick Together.' Said a company flak: "At T-Mobile we stick together, we never drop our homies, yo!"

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Geez, man. I can't believe Snoop be disrespecting Bob Hope. I thought after that Chrysler commerical with Lee Iacoca he got on nicely with old men who might be dead.

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(for the Dummies): It's Bob HOPE airport... not DOPE!

New Jersey Same-Sex Unions

New Jersey's Supreme Court ruled that same-sex partnerships are entitled to the same rights as married couples, and ordered the state legislature to decide within 6 months what to call these same-sex unions.

And it warned, "no looking at other states' papers."

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Many lawmakers have avowed not to allow the term 'marriage' for gay couples. But, due to the timing of the deadline, some are considering labeling it "May-rage."

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The court also gave the publishers of Weird New Jersey four months to amend its newest edition.

Mexico Border Fence

President Bush today signed into law a bill authorizing construction of a 700 mile wall along the Mexican border.

The project is estimated to cost 3 to 8 billion dollars, depending on the availability of cheap, low-skilled labor.

Canadian Phone Company Breaks Contract

Up in Canada, a judge ruled that Bell Aliant may break its million dollar contract with a cable company regarding usage of telephone polls, due to the "rules of grammar," because of an ambigulously placed comma.

Innovation in the telcom industry isn't what it once was. We went from "Watson, come here!" to "What's up with that comma?"

New York Taxi Fares Rise

New York City's Taxi Commission Approved a Fare Hike that doubles the cost the meter charges while sitting in traffic. The new 'wait time' cost is 40 cents a minute.

The Commission also allowed for the doubling of the hit passengers take to their dignity, when waiting for a cab to pick them up. Now, while passing by, drivers can yell, "Not for you, Undesirable."

The subway system believes this move will be good for its business. The MTA reminded New Yorkers, "Sitting or standing in a stalled subway train costs no additional charge, and allows passengers to mingle."

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The squeeze isn't as bad as it could have been. The Taxi Commission voted against one proposed fare hike that would charge $3 to customers who mistakenly approach a cab that already has passengers.

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It still costs no monetary charge to stand and wait for a cab to stop to pick you up. Just your dignity.

Hastert Testifies About Foley

House Speaker Dennis Hastert, during testimony today, urged the ethics committee to act quickly to unravel the page scandal.

When hearing that, Mark Foley said, "I am also looking for some quick action."

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Isn't that like President Bush announcing that we should not invade Iraq unless WMD is found?

Iraq Deputy Premier Asks Allied Troops to Stay

Iraq's deputy prime minister, meeting with British officials in London, said coalition troops must stay in Iraq and resist the urge to "cut and run."

He said the meetings in England were going very well, and he'll have to stay extra days or maybe weeks to see these issues through:

"You know how it is when discussing great issues, sometimes it takes months, years. Rome was not built in a day." He then asked how long it did take Rome to be built, answered himself with "many decades," and then announced that he was willing to sacrifice 30 years residing in London, in order to advance Iraq's stability. "Maybe Iraq will never be safe, and I never go back..."

Panama Canal Expansion

Panama voters approved a multi-billion dollar expansion of the Panama Canal, which will allow the largest freight ships to pass through and is projected to double capacity.

Opponents of the plan, which included environmentalists and Human Rights advocates, claimed the larger size would "allow Madonna to adopt entire African villages of boys."

Expansion advocates handed out tee-shirts which read, "Discover Yellow Fever All Over Again."

The Panamanian government plans to begin the project, but, as with the initial creation, to let the U.S. finish it, in order to 'boost its confidence because of that Iraq mess.'

Harrison Ford to again play Indiana Jones

Harrison Ford said he felt "fit" to again play Indiana Jones despite growing older.

His girlfriend, Calista Flockhart, said that she was fit to star in an upcoming biopic about Mama Cass.

Stock Exchange Former Chair Ordered to Return Money

A New York judge has ordered former stock exchange chairman Richard Grasso to return $100 million, as part of legal proceedings springing from New York Attorney General Spitzer's claim that Grasso was paid too much money.

Anyone investing in Wall Street would agree there should be a limit on earnings, right? No one wants to make too much money. The sky's not the limit, the limit is just what Eliot Spitzer thinks is 'propriate.

I earned $900 on my two Google shares, but I gave it back. Well, I donated it to Spitzer's gubernatorial campaign. I want to be on this guy's side. If he can reverse the basic principles of a market economy as Attorney General, who knows what the hec he'll be up to as Governor.

Job, Budget Cuts at NBC Universal

NBC Universal plans to cut annual operating expenses by $750 million and reduce its workforce by about 700 jobs.

The cuts are expected to mean five less Law and Orders per week.

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At this rate, within a few years General Electric will be only a consortium of profitable, stable, high-growth companies, and not be in the entertainment business at all.

UN Security Council Vote

The UN is voting to fill out the non permanent slots on the Security Council. The seat that is to be held by a Central American or Carribbean country is causing a big deadlock in the vote. The Venezuelans are declaring themselves as an alternative to America hegemony.

The U.S. said it is not necessarily looking for the seat to be filled by a pushover, but only someone reasonable. It has nominated St. Thomas.

Immigration Law Restricts Mail Order Brides

The New York Times reported that a more restrictive policy toward mail-order brides, that factors in the man's criminal record, has led immigration to freeze 10,000 visa applicantions by U.S men, frustrating their hopes for a happy marriage.

The foreign women have complained, as one Russian said: "The longer it takes us to get to America, it's that much longer before we can get divorced."

The big benefiiciaries of this law are American women who have been given more time to compete for these bread-winners.

CBGB closing and UnitedHealth scandal

The famous New York punk club CBGB, where bands such as Talking Heads and The Ramones caught breaks, had its final concert Sunday before an eviction shuts it down after 33 years.

Patrons are taking to heart that although the space is closed, the music lives on. For example, retiring UnitedHealth CEO William McGuire was heard singing, "I want to be backdated."

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Now it is possible that a young person may purchase a CBGB tee-shirt without having ever been at the club.

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The landlord apparently told the club, "This is not your crappy house."

Hawaii Earthquake

A 6.6 Magnitude earthquake shook Hawaii Sunday.

It took officials several hours to declare an emergency because they thought they were just witnessing a really intense hula performance.

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North Korea has claimed the tremors were caused by a "totally sucessful and powerful nuclear test." .. in response, President Bush announced the federal government would not send any aide to Hawaii, and Condi Rice has called for increased isolation of the islands.

Wal-Mart 800 Number for Sick Days

Wal-Mart enacted a new attendance policy that requires employees to call a 800 number before missing a shift due to illness.

The company also set up a 900 number for employees to report any workplace violations... and has slashed the price to just $3.99 per minute.

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The company also announced it was replacing its greeters with that creepy cartoonish technology used in the Charles Schwab commercials.

New Species Found in Europe

Scientists have discovered a mouse in Cyrpus with big ears, eyes, and teeth; the first mammal found in Europe in decades. It had been thought that all species on the continent had been identified.

Politcal scientists are classifying it as part of the "New Europe."

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Donald Rumsfeld has welcomed it as part of the "New Europe."

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Prince Charles said that the discovery legitimizes his claim on the throne of England.

North Korea nuclear

The Bush Administration is stressing that Sunday's nuclear test by North Korea produced a much smaller explosion than expected.

Secretary of State Condi Rice said, "It couldn't be less significant if it happened in North Dakota."

Baseball Subway Series

The New York Mets begin the National League Championship Series today. The
Yankees were eliminated, so there will be no Subway Series this year.

Usually the mayors of each team's city place a wager of some tokens from
their respective locale. In the last Subway Series, in 2000, the borough
president of Queens bet a buttered roll against the Bronx president's
buttered bagel.

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Mayor Bloomberg was going to bet himself $1 billion.

Mel Gibson Interview

Mel Gibson will appear on Good Morning America Thursday.

His publicist said this is not an attempt to gain forgiveness for Gibson's awful behavior, but only to prepare the country for Gibson's awful movie, "Apocalypto" coming Dec 8th.

France Bans Smoking

France announced it is banning smoking in public next year.

The government told its citizens they can use their cigarette holders to hold up their noses at tourists.

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But it will still be legal to wear a beret and carry a cigarette holder.

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The ban will take effect Feb 1, the same day 65 years ago that the country outlawed Bravery.

U.S Population to Hit 300 Million

The New York Times noted that the 300 millionth American will either immigrate or be born within the next week.

When President Bush was told this, he asked, "People are getting into this country through hospitals?"

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Congress is considering legislation to build a 700 mile wall around General Hospital.

U.S. Labor Report

The Labor Department said the unemployment rate last month dropped to 4.6 percent but the number of new jobs was less than expected.

President Bush said, 'If that's good news, you can thank me.'

Hastert Won't Step Down as Speaker

House Republican Dennis Hastert announced today he would not step down as Speaker, in the wake of the Foley scandal.

Hastert, a former high school wrestling coach, said, 'There's a fine line between rolling around on a mat with teenage boys, and sending them sexually explicit emails."

Rice Warns Iraqi Leaders

Secretary of State Rice told Iraqi leaders they have limited time to settle their differences and stop sectarian killings.

A Shiite politician replied, "Is when Baghdad freezes over soon enough for you?"

Microsoft to Cripple Computers

Microsoft said it will cripple computers running pirated versions of its upcoming new operating system, by limiting features and forcing the user to restart Internet Explorer after an hour.

The company said, if a customer doesn't want to purchase the upgrade, then they should have the same experience as XP users.

Canada Drugs Welcome Back to U.S.

The Customs and Border Patrol announced it will stop seizing most drugs from Canada into the U.S.

The agency said it will continue seizures of Epilepsy medicine.

Fla Boy Runs Away to Cuba

A 14 year old Florida boy fled his father's home by buying a plane ticket to Cuba to live with his mother.

His father and teacher are shocked, because the kid had just been selected to serve as a page to Mark Foley.