Gov. Christie's Warning

During a streaming interview from Facebook's offices, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said Republicans have an uphill battle in the fight for the White House next year.  (story)

He said just thinking of it made him sweat out his morning cheese steak.

Record-high ratio of Americans in prison

For the first time in American history, more than one in one hundred adults is in jail or prison. [ see story ]

It's taken as a sign of patriotism. People would rather do a winter stint in prison than accept reduced heating oil from Hugo Chavez.

EU Fines Microsoft

The European Union Antitrust Commission has fined Microsoft a record $1.4 billion. [ See story ]

Fortunately for Microsoft, it had the equivalent 40 euros on hand.

Chinese Mad at Spielberg

The Chinese are angry that Steven Spielberg has quit as artistic adviser to the opening and closing ceremonies of the Beijing Summer Olympics. [ see story ]

As a protest, they're threatening not to bootleg any of his films.

Hillary Ixnays Tax Doc Release

Hillary Clinton said she would not release her income tax returns unless she secures the Democratic presidential nomination. [ See story ]

That puts voters in next week's primaries in a real dilemma: vote for change, or find out if pantsuits are deductible.

Mets Sign Johan Santana

The New York Mets introduced their newest starting pitcher, Johan Santana, a 2-time Cy Young Award winner with the Minnesota Twins. [ See story ]

Santana said he was attracted to Shea because of its fine collection of veteran talent, and because the team gives its players the last month of the regular season off.

Al-Qaida on the Move

U.S. intelligence believes that Al-Qaida may be moving cells out of Iraq and into neighboring countries. [ See story ]

In testimony today, the National Intelligence Director presented as evidence a Craig's List ad "Your Morocco basement for my Mosul Pain Cave."

Microsoft Bids for Yahoo

Microsoft has offered to buy Yahoo for $45 billion. [ See story ]

Bill Gates said he has the money, and was either going to use it to assure every African has access to basic medicine and nutrition, or that Microsoft has access to tens of millions of Americans' back-up email addresses.

Analysts say its a natural fit, as Yahoo's large graphic ads freeze its users' browsers, and Windows biggest strengths is its ability to repeatedly Control-Alt-Delete any software.

Steve Ballmer announced the offer by slamming 2 pints of Red Hook IPA and screaming, "That's tasty, but wait'll you try a Micro-hoo!"

Folgers to become separate company

Proctor and Gamble said it would spin-off Folgers into a separate company due to slower sales growth than the rest of its units. [ See story ]

P & G said that too many consumers couldn't distinguish it from other P & G brands, such as Tide.

P & G said it would leave a note with forwarding address when Peter returns home for Christmas next year.

Sales did not rise after a recent ad campaign which featured a group of retirees playing cards, drinking coffee, with the tagline "Old Fogies Drink Folgers."

P & G said it planned to shake things up by brining in outsiders to manage the new company, such as those 3 hip baristas from that Starbucks on 6th Ave and 12th street.

A P & G spokesperson said it's obvious that to most people, the best part of waking up is rubbing stuff on your skin.

for the dummies:

Apparently, a lot of people COULD tell the difference.

The company plans to honor Folgers before the split by giving it a roast.

Congress Agree to Economic Deal

Hoping to boost the economy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Republican leader John Boehner, and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson negotiated a tax rebate deal that will give $300-$1200 checks to Americans this spring. [ See story ]

When asked about his own involvement with the stimulus package, President Bush said that he made mistakes as a young adult, but has been clean for years.

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Senate majority leader Harry Reid said he'd defer to Pelosi because "she knows all about giving things 'lifts.'"

Lawn Mower DWI

A New Zealand man was arrested Monday for driving a lawn mower while drunk. [See story]

The police released this photo of his field sobriety test:

Australia cancels uranium sale

Australia's government said it would not sell uranium to India unless the country signs the global non-proliferation treaty. [ See story ]

The new prime minister said the Indians could "have Naan."

Consumer Spending Drops

In a bad sign for the economy, consumer spending at retailers dropped .4% in December. [See Story]

Economists have pinpointed it to a Macy's "Take .4 Percent Off Christmas Sale."

France to set up military base in UAE

France announced today it will build a 'permanent' 500-man military base in the United Arab Emirates. (see story)

In announcing the deal, French President Nicolas Sarkozy said, "and by 'permanent', I mean like a wedding vow."

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NATO's been asking for 2 years for French to send troops to help in Afghanistan. But it turns out the French prefer the 'fancy part' of the Middle East. Said Sarkozy: "We flipped coin: fight Taliban or be near giant man-made luxury island. Taliban lost."

Al Qaida 9/11 Planner Confesses

The Pentagon announced that Al Qaida's #3, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, confessed in Guantanamo how he planned the Sept. 11 attacks.

Nancy Pelosi, upon hearing the news, replied, "Did he have a good breakfast?"

Internet Addict Sues IBM

A man, James Pacenza, who was fired by IBM for visiting an adult chat room (after being given a warning four months earlier), is suing the company for $5 million, claiming he is an Internet addict and sex addict, who deserves treatment for what he calls a disability.

When he was fired, the confrontation began, "That better be a mouse, Pacenza!"

Pacenza claims that before the firing, he was considered his supervisor's "right hand man."

Pacenza had a running gag that "IBM" stood for: "I've been masturbating."

Pacenza also cited having to wear a blue tie, as creating a hostile intolerant workplace.

Upon being dismissed, Pacenza was overheard arguing, "Okay, great; I get it: exiting the PC business by selling the laptop and desktop units to a Chinese company in order to focus on the profitable consulting business is 'okay', but pretending to be a 24 year old woman at 'I like Big Balls dot com' is 'wrong.' "

McCain Courting Christian Conservatives

Senator John McCain has begun trying to garner the support of Christian conservatives for his run for president, but the coalition is very wary of embracing him.

Said one prominent Evangelical leader: "McCain could reveal he had a homosexual relationship with a drug dealer, and we still wouldn't support him."

U.N. Child Welfare Survey

The United States and Britain ranked at the bottom of a U.N. survey of child welfare in 21 wealthy countries.

But the two nations ranked #1 and #2 in sippy cups per child.

Lisa Nowak Road Trip

Lisa Nowak said she wore adult diapers so she could make her 900+ mile trip to Orlando without taking bathroom breaks.

But she did make an hour stop in New Orleans to get a 'po boy.
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But she did stop in New Orleans in an attempt to ask Angelina Jolie how to win the heart of a great man.
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But she did make a sightseeing stop in Shelbyville, Alabama, home to the Crazy Woman Hall of Fame.
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She also recommends Paying at the Pump for when you're really in a rush to ruin your career.
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She considered Paying at the Pump for gasoline, but then found it quicker to wave a 4-inch blade menacingly, and to use mace on the attendant.
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She told police she didn't need any sleep on the journey because she had acquired a batch of Tang Ultra, "what the pros drink."

NASA Astronaut Charged with Murder

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was charged with attempted murder of an Air Force engineer who Nowak belived to be her romantic rival for another astronaut, Billy Oefelein.

This sheds some light on that experiment NASA did aboard the space shuttle last summer, to test how a bunny would boil in zero gravity.