Happy New Year

Some guy paid 1.9 million dollars for the world's oldest hockey stick; made in 1856.

Funny to think that while our country was brewing up a civil war that would pit brother against brother, the Canadians created a quanit, friendly sport....

Sorry folks, but I'm hear in Nashville, and it's kept me from a-postin'.

Happy New Year.

My resolution is to post each day; starting Tuesday.

Happy New Year.

Hell, there's already been 36 posts already this month.

Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.

My resolution maybe is to post jokes that don't need to be explained. My friend X noted a Conan joke that went: "Lindsey Loham said she ain't had a drink in 7 days. Yep. Yep. Yeppers. but she done been passed out for six-half. " Everyone at the table laughed. My Canada joke (which I gave as an example) was not so much enjoyed. Although a couple folks were even familiar with the Quebec issue... Welp...

Happy New Year.

Ice Mass Snaps Free From Canada's Arctic

A 41-square mile ice shelve has broken away from the Canadian Arctic.

Quebec residents are furious that the ice mass was able to secede without having to hold a referendum.

and/OR

Now, Quebec realizes that the key to becoming independent is through accelerated global warming. Its instructed all of its beret and croissant manufacturers to emit more carbon dioxide.

FDA OKs Cloned Beef

The FDA ruled today that beef and milk from cloned animals is safe to eat and does not require special labeling.

But later, when the real FDA official was untied and freed from his office closet, he denounced his clone and announced that clone beef may indeed require special labeling.

Threatened Polar Bears

The Bush Administration said that polar bears are a threatened species in need of stronger government protection.

The Interior Department is acting on a demand from President Bush, who said he didn't see any polar bears on his Christmas Coke.

Bush Thinking 'bout Iraq

President Bush is honkered down at his Texas ranch this week, working on a new Iraq policy.

He said he is really determined to finish his assignment, but gosh darnitt, with Ford's passing, he might probably have to attend a drawn-out state funeral, which can go on for like "days."

And, White House spokesperson Tony Snow announced: the President's mind is of course also pre-occupied with James Brown.

Saudi Princess Deported

A Saudi Arabian princess living outside of Boston who was accused of breaking U.S. immigration laws by locking up her domestics' passports and forcing them to work for low pay was ordered to be deported, must pay $200,000 restitution, and perform 100 hours of community service.

But, she will be allowed to keep her title as the reigning Miss Massachussetts.

Merry Christmas

Look for topical jokes daily to resume publishing jokes Tuesday, Dec. 26.

Calif Prison Guards

The LA Times reports that many California prison guards have received at least $100,000 in overtime pay.

Despite the high pay, guards say the most rewarding part of their job is still getting to meet Snoop Dogg every month.

New Jersey subway flooding

A government analysis concludes that a small bomb would flood the subway tunnels connecting New Jersey to New York City with one million gallons of water per minute.

It says that within an hour the only thing visible would be the tops of womens' hair.

OR

The report cautions passengers to use waterproof makeup and maximum strength hairspray.

MADD about Miss Teen

Mothers Against Drunk Driving is dropping Miss Teen USA Katie Blair as a spokeswoman because of news reports that she had been partying with Miss USA Tara Conner.

The prized beauty said in a statement that MADD was being "totally ridiculous. We never drove a car after drinking and drugging; we only had to sign for one...Donald has like a zillion drivers."

Baby Put in Airport XRay

A Mexican woman traveling from LAX mistakenly put her one-month old grandson through the x-ray machine.

Some good came out of it: airport security was able to identify and remove a tortilla chip lodged in the baby's esophagus.

Premarital Sex Survey

According to a new study, nine out of ten Americans have had premarital sex.

And, 40% have had bathroom sex with Miss USA.

North Korea financial experts

U.S. and N.Korean financial experts are meeting to discuss the international banking sanctions against N.Korea.

It might sound surprising that there are financial experts in N.Korea, but could you run a country of 23 million people on $8?

OR

This isn't as lopsided a matchup as you might think. With the holidays upon us, our best minds are unavailable. Representing the U.S. is Tom Vu.

OR

Let's hope our confrontations with N.Korea remain financial arguments. We have a really good chance of winning this one.

Space Shuttle Returning

The Discovery shuttle is returning to Earth.

During its 13 day mission, the astronauts have installed an addition to the lab, rewired the space station, and delivered Winter Solstice toys to the children of the European Space Agency.

Olive Garden Sickness

300 diners became sick last week after eating at an Olive Garden in Indiana. Now health officials believe it was caused by a 'norovirus.'

An Olive Garden official said he wished the whole incident was imaginary, just like the company's advertisements that authentic Italians dine there.

OR

An Olive Garden official said that customers should not believe that its restaurants are unsafe anymore than one should believe the ridiculous notion purported in its ads, that real Italians dine there.

OR

A company official said he was disappointed that so many people complained. He said "they shoulda kept it in the family," and that "the rat bastards will pay for talking to the Health Department."

New Defense Secretary

Robert Gates will start as the U.S. defense secretary Monday.

It's hard to tell during the transition period, what items in the office are Rumsfeld's or belong to Gates. For example, an un-opened book-on-tape, "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

Space station

The International Space Station has a solor array that won't fold up. NASA tried to shake it loose by making an astronaut exercise vigorously in order to shake the panel loose, but the astronaut failed to make it budge.

It's too bad they don't have a Nintento Wii controller up there.

Bush new Iraq policy

President Bush is formulating a new Iraq policy, given that most Americans find the reality in Iraq does not match his optimistic assessment.

He's expected to announce mandatory doses of soma.

OPEC to cut output in Feb.

OPEC announced it would reduce production in February in order to lower the world supply of oil.

To which Al Queda replied, "Sounds fun. Where should we set up?"

And later, they texted: "Let's shoot for Jan instead, 'k? Can't wait!"

Princess Diana's death

British police have concluded that the deaths of Princess Diana and her boyfriend Dodi Fayed in 1997 were a "tragic accident" and that allegations of murder are unfounded.

They ruled out the conspiracy theory, saying even though Elton John capitalized on the death, he did not directly cause it.

OR

But their report includes a section by Prince Charles, titled, "If I Did It."

OR

It took them nine years to investigate a car accident? Scotland Yard ain't what it was... I look forward to being around in 2015 to find out that Christians weren't behind this summer's subway bombings...

Feds Raid Beef Plants

Federal officials raided six Swift beef processing plants to arrest illegal immigrants accused of identify theft.

Whoa, they're really taking this Taco Bell e.Coli investigation seriously.

OR

Human rights activists are complaining about the harsh treatment of the alleged aliens...
... And they also took issue with conditions outside the factory.

OR

Immigration's code name for the project is: "Slaughterhouse-Six: (or) The Chicos' Crusade."

OR

Some of those arrested welcomed the change in environment. Said one: "I had almost forgotten what it's like to breathe air free of bloody animal remains."

But another said it was wrong to be detained like "some horde of cattle that is then systematically disemboweled and disassembled."

OR

Swift officials are concerned that such raids would put its plants out of operation.
A spokesman fears "There will be a lot of missed-steaks."

Cruise Ships with Sick Passengers

For the third time in a month, a big cruise ship has pulled into Florida with hundreds of passengers suffering from a stomach virus.

These are hard times if you're a Russian who likes to travel and eat cheap Mexican food.

Chewable Contraceptives

Drug maker Warner Chilcott has begun selling chewable birth control pills which it calls 'tasty and convenient.'

This is ironic, because the advertising is quite tasteless. In one commercial, a husband asks his wife if she is ready to start a family, then she answers "Let me chew on it," and winks to the camera.

OR
(for dummies)
Warner Chilcott, huh? Maybe they oughta be called "Warner Chiclet."

'A Christmas Story' House

A California man bought the Cleveland house used in the filming of "A Christmas Story", and he has opened it to tours and a gift shop.

He had been outbid by Madonna, but she backed out when she learned that the children were not included.

OR

President Bush learned about this, and said it was a good example of "entrepreneurialship. " He then mused that "someone ought to buy that house where the West Wing was filmed, and give out tours there."

Internet-based Phone Use Rises

The number of Voice Over Internet phone subscribers increased 18% the past quarter.

In related news, the State Department announced that relations with Canada and Puerto Rico have never been stronger.

Alcohol Top Killer in Finland

Finland said that alcohol was the #1 cause of death this year, with alcohol poisoning alone responsible for 2,000 deaths.

To lower those numbers, the Finland government will be promoting domestic vodka and raising tariffs on Russian vodka.

OR

Authorities believe drinking will continue to be a problem until Finlanders find other ways to deal with national jealousy of Norway and Sweden.

Indians Buy Hard Rock

Florida's Seminole Indian Tribe announced it was buying the Hard Rock Cafe chain during a press conference at the Manhattan restaurant.

It was reported that members of Kiss were in attendance, but that was just the new management team.

Iraq Study Group

The Iraq Study Group issued its report yesterday.

One of the key conclusions, is that our expectations for democracy should be scaled down. It suggests that our elected President and Congress be replaced by a Study Group.

Iraq Restoring Marshlands

Iraq has been working to restore its historical marshlands. An environmental official announced that one-half of the area was restored and that many former residents have returned.

He added: A good many of them can have open caskets.

OR

He said that by 2008, the marshlands should be THE place to discard bodies.

Plane Forced to Land Due to Flatulence

An American Airlines flight had to emergency-land after a woman passenger lit matches to conceal a bowel movement.

Passengers who sat nearby had attempted to wrestle her to the ground, but found it impossible with one hand holding their nose.

OR

The woman was not allowed to re-board after screening, but she was given a Ginger Ale and they let her keep the can.

OR
(for Lenos)
Isn't this terrible? Just when we thought oil was falling, passengers are still paying a high price for gas.

Taco Bell E.Coli

Some Taco Bell stores in the Northeast have been linked to an outbreak of E.coli.

Taco Bell said they've been so focused on removing trans-fat oils, they've paid no attention to the garbage they cook in it.

Shuttle Launch with Russia

NASA is readying for Thursday's joint mission to the space station with Russia.

NASA has warned its astronauts not to drink the Tang from bottles labeled with skulls and cross bars.

OR

NASA has to perform a checklist of new safety measures, such as testing the shuttle for radiation.

OR

One of the shuttle's missions is to replace one of the station's three crew members.

But the Americans are a bit put off by the ominous way in which the Russians speak of that mission. At a press conference, a cosmonaut did the rabbit-ear finger quote thing around "replace", and then laughed uncontrollably.

Muslim woman sex advice on Arab TV

The AP reports that an Egyptian sex therapist has a popular TV show broadcast throughout the Middle East, in which she gives sexual advice to woman.

Conservative Islamists at first issued a fatwa against the program, but now support it because suicide bombers have been complaining that it gets 'real old' having to explain everything 72 times.

OR

The show addresses topics common to Islamic woman, such as the big "change" in middle age...when the husband leaves for 72 virgins.

Iraqi conjoined twins

A Saudi Arabian medical team successfully separated conjoined Iraqi twins Sunday.

Within five minutes, the newly free twins killed each other.

Ford Motor Woes

The Ford Motor Company is putting up nearly all its North American assets as collateral for a $18 billion line of credit.

Ford excluded its prized company collection of autos, which includes the prototype of the Model T, and the 1977 Thunderbird in which Brtiney Spears was conceived.

It's been a bad week for Ford. In the latest monthly sales figures releaed Friday, Ford dropped to Number 4.

In hopes of turning things around, Ford has borrowed a page from Chevy's ad campaign, and will begin airing truck commercials titled "This is Our USA" featuring the Great Johnstown Flood.

Things are so bleak that the company has stopped correcting people when mistaken for former President Gerald Ford.

Analysts were surprised that one half of the hourly work force - 38,000 employees - accepted Ford's buyout offers and early retirement packages.

One possible explanation is worker unhappiness when they showed up for their shifts Thursday and were given thorough physicals from bankers who wanted to "examine the goods."

Pope visit to Mosque

Pope Benedict visited a mosque in Turkey, in what was seen as a peace offering and show of respect to Muslims who were offended by the Pope's remarks months ago about the violence of their religion.

The Pope's Muslim hosts reciprocated by not murdering him.

English Smoking Ban

The English government announced a ban on smoking in most public places beginning July 1.

The new law caused Clay Aiken to cancel a planned concert in London when an English promoter told him that fags would be prohibited.

The law is not expected to be enforceable, since police won't be able to detect smoke in the fog.

Cigarette advertising will still be allowed in England, where it's common to see billboards for such icons as "Marlboro Gentleman."

(OR: An ad campaign to promote quitting smoking goes: "Come Rest Ye Marlboro Gentleman")

In explaining the clamp down on smoking, a British official said: "crooked teeth, acceptable; stained, unacceptable."