Ash Wednesday

Friends, for Lent, this morning I gave up my seat on the bus, to a harried yuppie woman with two very large ("ultra") bags. (I couldn't guess what the bags contained...anvil, sledgehammer?)

After deliberation during the day, I have decided to give up posting to this blog, at least until Easter. FYI: It boggles my mind just how unpopular this blog is... not from a quality/hype perspective, but from search. I mean, really: 5 visitors? On a recent typical day I had one visit from China, one from Arizona, one from England, one from Michigan, and then my friend in Virginia... How is that mathematically possible? Zero would be easier to understand. What kind of multiple / equation computes to '5?' How does Google search generate a single hit?
There are a billion web users! Oh gosh. It's not my ego that's been bruised; it's my grasp for numbers. So... while I still have my looks and live near NYC, I am going to shut off the brain, and start getting serious about modeling.

Fired IBM employees says he is Sex Addict

IBM fired an employee for visiting adult chat rooms, but the man, James Pacenza , is suing IBM because he claims he is an Internet and sex addict who should have been given treatment for what he calls a disability.

Pacenza was responsible for the ad campaign, "What's Behind The Red Curtain?" When his boss unveiled his 'addiction,' Pacenza protested: "This is what makes me special!"

On his blog, Pacenza writes that he cannot decide his top reason to be thankful for Bob Dole. He lists as "co-Number Ones": pushing the passage of the Americans with Disabilities Act, and Dole's promotion of Viagra.

Pacenza's boss said, "Our nickname is 'Big Blue,' not 'Big Goo.'

Internet Addict Sues IBM

A man, James Pacenza, who was fired by IBM for visiting an adult chat room (after being given a warning four months earlier), is suing the company for $5 million, claiming he is an Internet addict and sex addict, who deserves treatment for what he calls a disability.

When he was fired, the confrontation began, "That better be a mouse, Pacenza!"

Pacenza claims that before the firing, he was considered his supervisor's "right hand man."

Pacenza had a running gag that "IBM" stood for: "I've been masturbating."

Pacenza also cited having to wear a blue tie, as creating a hostile intolerant workplace.

Upon being dismissed, Pacenza was overheard arguing, "Okay, great; I get it: exiting the PC business by selling the laptop and desktop units to a Chinese company in order to focus on the profitable consulting business is 'okay', but pretending to be a 24 year old woman at 'I like Big Balls dot com' is 'wrong.' "

New York Fashion Week

This past week was New York's Fall Fashion Week.

And what a fall it was for young Britney Spears. A fall from grace for the pop starlet....

Yesterday, she showed up with her head completely shaved at a tattoo parlor, where she obtained two new designs for her once-prized body. And it was reported that she had checked in and out of a rehab clinic the day earlier.

Meanwhile, her fans await a new music album. Early reports are promising--it's supposedly heavily influenced by Nirvana and Sinead O'Connor.

Congress Iraq Resolution

The Senate failed to pass the House's non-binding resolution that denounces President Bush's order to send more troops to Baghdad.

Next up for the Senate: a new farm bill, where Congress states its support for family farmers by prohibiting people from entering the farming industry or from growing food.
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But the Senate did pass, 98-0, a resolution denouncing Britney Spears' behavior.
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Dammit! That's just what the general public asked for when its Election Day votes conveyed a non-binding denouncement of Bush's war policy--for Congress to vote on a non-binding resolution denouncing Bush's war policy, but "with more flair!"
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However, Al-Qaida announced that it was flattered just to have garnered Harry Reid's support.

McCain Courting Christian Conservatives

Senator John McCain has begun trying to garner the support of Christian conservatives for his run for president, but the coalition is very wary of embracing him.

Said one prominent Evangelical leader: "McCain could reveal he had a homosexual relationship with a drug dealer, and we still wouldn't support him."

U.N. Child Welfare Survey

The United States and Britain ranked at the bottom of a U.N. survey of child welfare in 21 wealthy countries.

But the two nations ranked #1 and #2 in sippy cups per child.

Paula Abdul Defends Self

Paula Abdul, on the 'hot seat' for her slurred speech on "American Idol," said that she has never been drunk.

But by giving such an extreme defense, she now has no excuse for dating Aresnio Hall.

Al Qaida #2 Insults Bush

Al Qaida's Second in Command, Ayman al-Zawahri, in a message released today, said that President Bush is an alcoholic.

But you have to take what he says with a grain of salt. Afterall, wasn't it just last week he called his rival, Arwaj Qurol a drug addict for using Flomax?

Space Station Power Outage

NASA announced that sections of the International Space Station lost power for much of Sunday.

Fortunately, the crew was able to have a nice romantic candlelight dinner.

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NASA said the full impact of the incident won't be apparent until 9 months.

Lisa Nowak Road Trip

Lisa Nowak said she wore adult diapers so she could make her 900+ mile trip to Orlando without taking bathroom breaks.

But she did make an hour stop in New Orleans to get a 'po boy.
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But she did stop in New Orleans in an attempt to ask Angelina Jolie how to win the heart of a great man.
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But she did make a sightseeing stop in Shelbyville, Alabama, home to the Crazy Woman Hall of Fame.
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She also recommends Paying at the Pump for when you're really in a rush to ruin your career.
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She considered Paying at the Pump for gasoline, but then found it quicker to wave a 4-inch blade menacingly, and to use mace on the attendant.
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She told police she didn't need any sleep on the journey because she had acquired a batch of Tang Ultra, "what the pros drink."

Lisa Nowak Released on Bond

Lisa Nowak was released last week from the Orlando courthouse on just over $25,000 bail.

Shouldn't someone who's an Air Force pilot and astronaut be deemed a greater flight risk?

Lisa Nowak Disgraces Orlando

Residents of Orlando are worried that the city's reputation has been sullied by the Lisa Nowak incident, and might keep tourists away.

They say it's been the biggest disgrace to hit Orlando since Captain Eo.

Lisa Nowak Trenchcoat

Lisa Nowak has been wearing a coat over her head when leaving the courtroom and when arriving at Houston's airport.

It's understandable she wants to be incognito, but, what was wrong with the trenchcoat and wig she wore in Orlando? It was much more becoming.

Lisa Nowak Diapers

Astronaut Lisa Nowak told police that on her 950 mile drive to confront her romantic rival, she wore adult diapers so she wouldn't have to make any restroom stops.

Ironic, because her supervisors at NASA have now told her she is going to take a rest. A nice long rest.

Lisa Nowak Explains (Again)

(for Lenos)
Y'know, NASA officials are saying it is understandable that Lisa Nowak went berserk over the astronaut William Oefelein.

They say as a lover, he is really out of this world.

Lisa Nowak Explains

Lisa Nowak said she did not plan to attempt to murder her romantic rival Colleen Shipman.

She said she just wanted to "'Pluto' her ass."

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She said she just wanted to tell Shipman, "Why don't you make like the Mars Global Surveyor and disappear?"

Spacewalks at Space Station

NASA announced that two of its astronauts at the space station performed their third spacewalk in the past nine days.

They showed footage of the walk, and, in a worrisome sign, the two are holding hands.

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Wow, three space walks in just over a week? They are totally going steady!

Pelosi Plane Request

Some Republicans criticized Speaker Pelosi's need to fly on a large Air Force plane that can travel to California without refueling, but the White House defended her.

White House press secretary Tony Snow said it is sensible for the Pentagon to provide her with a plane because she has had problems getting a lift.

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Pelosi's wondering why can't she ever get a simple lift without any complications.

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Said a Repubican congressman from Florida: 'She's clearly already gotten a lift.'

Astronaut Kidnap Attempt

NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested after driving 900 miles from Houston to Kennedy Space Center, wearing an adult diaper so she didn't have to stop for bathroom breaks on the trip.

The incident raises a lot of questions about NASA's screening process, such as how they selected an astronaut who would rather piss on herself than fly.

NASA Astronaut Charged with Murder

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was charged with attempted murder of an Air Force engineer who Nowak belived to be her romantic rival for another astronaut, Billy Oefelein.

This sheds some light on that experiment NASA did aboard the space shuttle last summer, to test how a bunny would boil in zero gravity.

Maytag Dishwasher Recall

The Maytag Company had to recall more than 2 million dishwashers due to faulty wiring that has caused 123 fires. The company instructed owners to unplug their machine and call to arrange an on-site repair.

In a related story, "Old Lonely,"the Maytag repairman has died of a heart attack.

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The company is reconsidering its decision of staffing its repair division with just one employee, and letting him grow to be a bumbling, aloof old fool.

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Things are even worse for Maytag: 'Old Lonely' is refusing to do the work. He said, "I have a ten thousand Myspace friends; I don't need this."

The Maytag Repairman has sought out the advice of Chris Cringle. "How can I be a million places in one night?" Replied Santa: "Don't ask me, ask Paris Hilton."

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(for Lenos)
Looks like Old Lonely is finally going to meet a lot of folks. ... he released a statement: "Be careful what you wish for."

Bush Speaks to Dems at Retreat

President Bush attended an annual retreat of Congressional Democrats Saturday, in which he apologized for having referred to "the Democrat majority," omitting the "ic." during his State of the Union address.

The Democrats in turn explained that they hadn't been booing him during the State of the Union, they were merely pronouncing his name minus the last two letters.

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Bush pledged to not only restore the 'I' and 'C'; but to create for Congress a big 'I O U.'

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When Bush returned from the meeting, the White House had set up a large banner on the South Lawn that read: "Retreat Accomplished."

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When asked to explain why Bush attended the retreat for the first time in six years, spokesman Tony Snow said "he was looking for his poll numbers which are also retreating."

Boston Terror

In a press conference yesterday, Boston mayor Thomas Menino said he will make sure that Turner Broadcasting pays for the security costs resulting from Boston police's response to seeing the company's promotional circuit boards.

He then screamed, "Put down that gun! Put down that gun!" to a local CBS reporter. She was able to prove the item she was holding to be a microphone only after police detained her in a preceint jail. Said Menino: "CBS will pay for this hoax."

Bush Iraq Budget

President Bush will seek an additional $100 billion to wage the Iraq and Afghanistan wars this year, making the total for 2007 $170 billion.

Bush tried to put a silver lining on it, by reminding Congress that $30 billion would be returned to the Treasury when the Vice President pays his income tax.

Hugo Chavez and Castro

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez said that Fidel Castro has visibly improved from his illness.

He describes Castro as being one of the healthiest invisible men he's ever seen. "You'd have to see it to believe it," he said.... "wait! I mean, take my word on it..."

Chavez was given free rein to run Venezuela yesterday by the country's legislature.

Chavez said that with this elimination of opposition, he no longer worries about having to put his neck on the line, but not being able to locate it.

His first acts since obtaining the wider power, were to: declare that every Venezuelan must believe that Fidel Castro is healthy; seize all foreign assets in the country and place them on the Colts to cover; overturn the no-sharing policy at Shoney's buffets.