FedEx Anti-Missile Plane

A FedEx cargo plane equipped with a laser-guided anti-missile system took off from LAX yesterday.

Shareholders of FedEx were pleased to learn that the company is taking seriously the threat from DHL.

California Citrus Loss

A spell of overnight temperatures below 28 degrees has destroyed most of California's citrus crop, valued at $1 billion.

This shouldn't have been much of a shock. We've been giving the freeze to OJ for 12 years.

OR

This has really put a downer on tomorrow night's Orange Globe awards.

OR

Governor Schwarzenegger is now calling for universal insurance coverage for every orange tree.

NFL game in London

The NFL announced that London will host a regular season game next season. The city had hosted some exhibition games, but this would be the first meaningful game to be played outside of North America.

When hearing this, a Cleveland Brown player asked, "What's a meaningful game?"

LaDainian Tomlinson said he hopes the Chargers play in the game, because he figures football fans in London must be really classy.

The NFL commissioner said the event would be a success even if there's only a minor brawl.

Said a Londoner: "I'm not so keen on the idea. I suppose you consider this to be a fair trade? You Yanks get Beckham, and you give us a weekend with Tony Romo?"

French WWI vet dies

One of France's last remaining World War I veterans died Tuesday, at age 108.

He is said to have spent the past ten years with dementia, recalling acts of French battlefield bravery.

Chinese Ferris Wheels

The city of Shanghai has cancelled plans to build the world's largest Ferris wheel, but another Chinese town, Jiangxi, opened a Ferris Wheel in May that it says is the tallest.

This explains all the signs around Shanghai that read, "Save Ferris."
-or-
What explains this Chinese enthusiasm for Ferris Wheels? It seems one of the more popular fortunes found in fortune cookies, reads, "What goes around comes around."
-or-
Shanghail said that before the wheel is built, it must produce and train a new breed of super-carnies.
-or-
Shanghai is still going ahead with plans to build the world's largest Elephant Ear.
-or-
Ah, the simple, peaceful Chinese, with their food, factories and Ferris Wheels... don't they know there's a war on?

Congress Smoke Ban

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has banned smoking in the lobby outside the House floor.

But she said Republicans are welcome to another smoking in November '08.

Stolen Puppies

Thieves broke into a Bridgeport, Ct apartment and stole four puppies worth $10,000 sired by last year's best of breed winner at the Westminster Dog Show.

The owner has vowed to track down the thieves at next month's Danbury Puppy Pageant.

OR

The sad thing is, the dog's owner was planning to put them down to purchase a condo.

Europe's Warm Winter

The extra-mild winter in Europe has led to early blooming of trees. Health officials have warned people who suffer from allergies that the pollen season will start much earlier.

In a delicately worded statement, the EU Commision on Health has suggested that "if you are French, and suffer from the allergies, maybe you do not stick the nose in the air so much."

New Mexico School Bus Attack

Two teenage sisters in New Mexico beat up a classmate on a bus ride. Tuesday, they were sentenced to a year of probabtion and 75 hours of community service.

During the sentencing, the judge asked the girls, 'Can't you just have pencil fights like civilized children?'

New Postal Service

The U.S. Postal Service is launching a new program for businesses that will allow them to track their packages at each step of its delivery, based on barcodes and GPS. The new service is called, "Intelligent Mail."

A draft of a possible advertisement reads, "With a name like 'Intelligent,' you can be sure the President will have no interest in opening your package."

Thailand Turtle

A rare turtle thought to be extinct in Thailand, was discovered by a villager there this week.

Villagers had been expecting it to show up for dinner five years ago. It turns out the turtle was just far more slower than previously thought.

Florida Trailer Park

A Florida beachfront trailer park has voted to accept a $500 million buyout from a condominium developer.

The buyer made a comment, though, that offended some in the community. He said, "That's a hell of an amount to pay for trash removal."

Poland Church Woes

Poland's archbishop and another top priest have resigned due to revelations that they cooperated with the secret police back in the communist era. But, there are reports that collaboration between the church and secret police was common throughout Eastern Europe.

As this photo shows:


OR

In fact, while he was still a KGB-trainee, Russian President Putin was an altar boy in St. Petersburg.

Apples iPhone

Apple introduced a new "iPhone" that stores up to 4GB of iTunes music and will work on the Cingular network.

Steve Jobs touted some of the phone's capabilities, such as seducing your callers by implying that you are at a rockin' party.

Verizon also announced a deal, with Anheuser-Busch, to market a "dui Phone." It holds 12oz of Budweiser, allowing for unlimited drunk dialing and drunk texting after 2am.

Yahoo for Phones

Yahoo on Monday introduced software for mobile phones that lets subscribers call up ad-supported services for news, maps, weather, and email.

Wow, it seems just three years ago that everyone was joining the Do Not Call List to avoid marketers. Now, we're expected to program our phones to call them...

Malibu Wildfire

A wildfire in Malibu destroyed four mansions, including the home of Suzanne Somers.

Firefighters were able to put out the blaze before it spread to the Regal Beagle.

OR

Police consoled Ms. Somers by promising her complimentary uniforms to replace her destroyed "She's the Sheriff" wardrobe.

OR

Said Somers: "My house was fired, but it was my decision to leave 'Three's Company.'"

OR

Somers has vowed to rebuild the house to be "bioidentical" to the original.

OR

The wildfire provided a convenient cover for Somers, who had left her stove on.

OR

The sixty-year old Somers had let her insurance lapse while in Vegas. But she's vowed to make a financial and career comeback, by re-entering the ring for Thighmaster 5 and Thighmaster 6.
(bad "Rocky" references)

Miami Bomb Threat

Miami police destroyed a box that was to be loaded onto a Caribbean cruise ship because it tested positive six-times as an explosive. Later, the bomb squad determined that the contents were only plastic sprinkler parts.

But the damage was already done: Royal Caribbean announced that its Slip and Slide Tuesday event had been cancelled, and will be replaced by shuffle board.

OR

Fortunately, a local Home Depot rushed a replacement box of sprinkler parts, so that the cruise's Wet Tee-Shirt contest can go on as scheduled.

OR

When asked if he regretted the mistake, a Coast Guard spokesman said, "Oh sure, like the Islanders need any help growing weed..."

OR

And so the bread fruit crop, so important to the West Indies economy, remains at risk until the country's sprinkler can be replaced.

New Orleans Curfew

The City of New Orleans is considering a curfew in response to eight murders in the past week.

Even if it doesn't stem the violence, it will assure that the Saints are well rested for their playoff game next Saturday.

OR

Sounds like a good idea. Curfews have been a big success in Baghdad....

Jersey Meteorite

A mysterious rock-like object crashed through the roof of a New Jersey home this week; scientists have now identified it as a meteorite.

Scientists believe it might be a warning from a rival Jupiter family. On the meteorite is written, "Keep outta Mars."

Purchasing Embargo

A group of ten friends in San Francisco have made international news and gained a large following by keeping a compact to give up buying new non-essential products for the recently ended year.

This news has not been welcomed by the Advertising Industry. In fact, the group members have been blocked from using any of Google's services until they disavow the experiment.

OR

One drawback though: now the group members have to wait five years before opening an account with Gmail.

400 Year Old Italian Murder Mystery

Scientists in Italy believe they've found proof that the Grand Duke of Tuscany and his wife were poisoned by the duke's brother 400 years ago, instead of having died from malaria.

They say the evidence was found after archaeologists unearthed what is believed to be the world's oldest Olive Garden.

OR

The brother had to resort to arsenic, after the couple refused his anniversary present of a trip to Haiti.

Colorado Cows Rescue Mission

The blizzards in the Plains that dumped 3 feet of snow and created 10 foot-high drifts have cut off thousands of cows from a food source for days.
National Guardsmen and emergency workers have been airlifting haystacks to the cattle.

One fatigued Guardsmen has given the mission a rallying cry, or anthem:

I said, Hay! Moo! Snow's like a shroud.
Hay! Moo! Snow's like a shroud .
Hay! Moo! Snow's like a shroud.
Don't hang around, cows chew real loud.
On my cloud, baby.

Toyota Passes Chrysler

For the first time, Toyota's yearly sales in the U.S. topped Chrysler, which slid to Number 4, after GM, Ford, and Toyota.

Lee Iaccoca is rolling in his grave... and his co-spokesman, Snoop Dogg, well, he's just rolling down the street, smoking Indo.

OR

Said a Chrysler spokesperson, "We're pleased to point out that any and all U.S Presidents with the last name Chrysler, are not dead."

OR

Chrysler plans to retake the No. 2 spot next year, by introducing a Retro Millenium K-Car.

OR

Chrysler said retaking the No. 2 spot is as easy as bringing back Plymouth.

OR

Said a beaming Toyota executive: "For all the Americans flag waving, car buyers are a thrifty, lazy lot that will sell out its country men for a shiny piece of plastic."

Garbage Truck Rescue

An unemployed Michigan man who said he fell asleep in a garbage truck while collecting bottles and cans, was able to contact police from a cell phone, leading to his rescue just before the truck was about to compact its load.

He said he didn't want to die after having loaded $50 on his Boost Mobile phone.

OR

Fortunately for the man, the truck contained a pile of old phones from local tweens who had gotten new Christmas phones.

Bully Taxis

Five yellow cabs, covered in fake cowhide and decorated with bull's horns on the roof, lined up outside Madison Square Garden on Tuesday, to promote a two-day Invitational Bull Riders event.

The location of MSG was an easy choice, organizers said, seeing how New Yorkers are used to a lot of bull from the New York Knicks.

OR

The event means that for at least 2 days, Isiah Thomas won't be responsible for the B.S. in the Garden.

Saddam Hanging

Saddam Hussein was hanged Saturday morning. President Bush called it "an important milestone on Iraq's course to becoming a democracy that can govern, sustain, and defend itself."

Now there's just 1828 mass murderers to bring to justice.

Happy New Year

Some guy paid 1.9 million dollars for the world's oldest hockey stick; made in 1856.

Funny to think that while our country was brewing up a civil war that would pit brother against brother, the Canadians created a quanit, friendly sport....

Sorry folks, but I'm hear in Nashville, and it's kept me from a-postin'.

Happy New Year.

My resolution is to post each day; starting Tuesday.

Happy New Year.

Hell, there's already been 36 posts already this month.

Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.

My resolution maybe is to post jokes that don't need to be explained. My friend X noted a Conan joke that went: "Lindsey Loham said she ain't had a drink in 7 days. Yep. Yep. Yeppers. but she done been passed out for six-half. " Everyone at the table laughed. My Canada joke (which I gave as an example) was not so much enjoyed. Although a couple folks were even familiar with the Quebec issue... Welp...

Happy New Year.

Ice Mass Snaps Free From Canada's Arctic

A 41-square mile ice shelve has broken away from the Canadian Arctic.

Quebec residents are furious that the ice mass was able to secede without having to hold a referendum.

and/OR

Now, Quebec realizes that the key to becoming independent is through accelerated global warming. Its instructed all of its beret and croissant manufacturers to emit more carbon dioxide.

FDA OKs Cloned Beef

The FDA ruled today that beef and milk from cloned animals is safe to eat and does not require special labeling.

But later, when the real FDA official was untied and freed from his office closet, he denounced his clone and announced that clone beef may indeed require special labeling.

Threatened Polar Bears

The Bush Administration said that polar bears are a threatened species in need of stronger government protection.

The Interior Department is acting on a demand from President Bush, who said he didn't see any polar bears on his Christmas Coke.

Bush Thinking 'bout Iraq

President Bush is honkered down at his Texas ranch this week, working on a new Iraq policy.

He said he is really determined to finish his assignment, but gosh darnitt, with Ford's passing, he might probably have to attend a drawn-out state funeral, which can go on for like "days."

And, White House spokesperson Tony Snow announced: the President's mind is of course also pre-occupied with James Brown.

Saudi Princess Deported

A Saudi Arabian princess living outside of Boston who was accused of breaking U.S. immigration laws by locking up her domestics' passports and forcing them to work for low pay was ordered to be deported, must pay $200,000 restitution, and perform 100 hours of community service.

But, she will be allowed to keep her title as the reigning Miss Massachussetts.

Merry Christmas

Look for topical jokes daily to resume publishing jokes Tuesday, Dec. 26.

Calif Prison Guards

The LA Times reports that many California prison guards have received at least $100,000 in overtime pay.

Despite the high pay, guards say the most rewarding part of their job is still getting to meet Snoop Dogg every month.

New Jersey subway flooding

A government analysis concludes that a small bomb would flood the subway tunnels connecting New Jersey to New York City with one million gallons of water per minute.

It says that within an hour the only thing visible would be the tops of womens' hair.

OR

The report cautions passengers to use waterproof makeup and maximum strength hairspray.

MADD about Miss Teen

Mothers Against Drunk Driving is dropping Miss Teen USA Katie Blair as a spokeswoman because of news reports that she had been partying with Miss USA Tara Conner.

The prized beauty said in a statement that MADD was being "totally ridiculous. We never drove a car after drinking and drugging; we only had to sign for one...Donald has like a zillion drivers."

Baby Put in Airport XRay

A Mexican woman traveling from LAX mistakenly put her one-month old grandson through the x-ray machine.

Some good came out of it: airport security was able to identify and remove a tortilla chip lodged in the baby's esophagus.

Premarital Sex Survey

According to a new study, nine out of ten Americans have had premarital sex.

And, 40% have had bathroom sex with Miss USA.

North Korea financial experts

U.S. and N.Korean financial experts are meeting to discuss the international banking sanctions against N.Korea.

It might sound surprising that there are financial experts in N.Korea, but could you run a country of 23 million people on $8?

OR

This isn't as lopsided a matchup as you might think. With the holidays upon us, our best minds are unavailable. Representing the U.S. is Tom Vu.

OR

Let's hope our confrontations with N.Korea remain financial arguments. We have a really good chance of winning this one.

Space Shuttle Returning

The Discovery shuttle is returning to Earth.

During its 13 day mission, the astronauts have installed an addition to the lab, rewired the space station, and delivered Winter Solstice toys to the children of the European Space Agency.

Olive Garden Sickness

300 diners became sick last week after eating at an Olive Garden in Indiana. Now health officials believe it was caused by a 'norovirus.'

An Olive Garden official said he wished the whole incident was imaginary, just like the company's advertisements that authentic Italians dine there.

OR

An Olive Garden official said that customers should not believe that its restaurants are unsafe anymore than one should believe the ridiculous notion purported in its ads, that real Italians dine there.

OR

A company official said he was disappointed that so many people complained. He said "they shoulda kept it in the family," and that "the rat bastards will pay for talking to the Health Department."

New Defense Secretary

Robert Gates will start as the U.S. defense secretary Monday.

It's hard to tell during the transition period, what items in the office are Rumsfeld's or belong to Gates. For example, an un-opened book-on-tape, "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

Space station

The International Space Station has a solor array that won't fold up. NASA tried to shake it loose by making an astronaut exercise vigorously in order to shake the panel loose, but the astronaut failed to make it budge.

It's too bad they don't have a Nintento Wii controller up there.

Bush new Iraq policy

President Bush is formulating a new Iraq policy, given that most Americans find the reality in Iraq does not match his optimistic assessment.

He's expected to announce mandatory doses of soma.

OPEC to cut output in Feb.

OPEC announced it would reduce production in February in order to lower the world supply of oil.

To which Al Queda replied, "Sounds fun. Where should we set up?"

And later, they texted: "Let's shoot for Jan instead, 'k? Can't wait!"

Princess Diana's death

British police have concluded that the deaths of Princess Diana and her boyfriend Dodi Fayed in 1997 were a "tragic accident" and that allegations of murder are unfounded.

They ruled out the conspiracy theory, saying even though Elton John capitalized on the death, he did not directly cause it.

OR

But their report includes a section by Prince Charles, titled, "If I Did It."

OR

It took them nine years to investigate a car accident? Scotland Yard ain't what it was... I look forward to being around in 2015 to find out that Christians weren't behind this summer's subway bombings...

Feds Raid Beef Plants

Federal officials raided six Swift beef processing plants to arrest illegal immigrants accused of identify theft.

Whoa, they're really taking this Taco Bell e.Coli investigation seriously.

OR

Human rights activists are complaining about the harsh treatment of the alleged aliens...
... And they also took issue with conditions outside the factory.

OR

Immigration's code name for the project is: "Slaughterhouse-Six: (or) The Chicos' Crusade."

OR

Some of those arrested welcomed the change in environment. Said one: "I had almost forgotten what it's like to breathe air free of bloody animal remains."

But another said it was wrong to be detained like "some horde of cattle that is then systematically disemboweled and disassembled."

OR

Swift officials are concerned that such raids would put its plants out of operation.
A spokesman fears "There will be a lot of missed-steaks."

Cruise Ships with Sick Passengers

For the third time in a month, a big cruise ship has pulled into Florida with hundreds of passengers suffering from a stomach virus.

These are hard times if you're a Russian who likes to travel and eat cheap Mexican food.

Chewable Contraceptives

Drug maker Warner Chilcott has begun selling chewable birth control pills which it calls 'tasty and convenient.'

This is ironic, because the advertising is quite tasteless. In one commercial, a husband asks his wife if she is ready to start a family, then she answers "Let me chew on it," and winks to the camera.

OR
(for dummies)
Warner Chilcott, huh? Maybe they oughta be called "Warner Chiclet."

'A Christmas Story' House

A California man bought the Cleveland house used in the filming of "A Christmas Story", and he has opened it to tours and a gift shop.

He had been outbid by Madonna, but she backed out when she learned that the children were not included.

OR

President Bush learned about this, and said it was a good example of "entrepreneurialship. " He then mused that "someone ought to buy that house where the West Wing was filmed, and give out tours there."

Internet-based Phone Use Rises

The number of Voice Over Internet phone subscribers increased 18% the past quarter.

In related news, the State Department announced that relations with Canada and Puerto Rico have never been stronger.

Alcohol Top Killer in Finland

Finland said that alcohol was the #1 cause of death this year, with alcohol poisoning alone responsible for 2,000 deaths.

To lower those numbers, the Finland government will be promoting domestic vodka and raising tariffs on Russian vodka.

OR

Authorities believe drinking will continue to be a problem until Finlanders find other ways to deal with national jealousy of Norway and Sweden.

Indians Buy Hard Rock

Florida's Seminole Indian Tribe announced it was buying the Hard Rock Cafe chain during a press conference at the Manhattan restaurant.

It was reported that members of Kiss were in attendance, but that was just the new management team.

Iraq Study Group

The Iraq Study Group issued its report yesterday.

One of the key conclusions, is that our expectations for democracy should be scaled down. It suggests that our elected President and Congress be replaced by a Study Group.

Iraq Restoring Marshlands

Iraq has been working to restore its historical marshlands. An environmental official announced that one-half of the area was restored and that many former residents have returned.

He added: A good many of them can have open caskets.

OR

He said that by 2008, the marshlands should be THE place to discard bodies.

Plane Forced to Land Due to Flatulence

An American Airlines flight had to emergency-land after a woman passenger lit matches to conceal a bowel movement.

Passengers who sat nearby had attempted to wrestle her to the ground, but found it impossible with one hand holding their nose.

OR

The woman was not allowed to re-board after screening, but she was given a Ginger Ale and they let her keep the can.

OR
(for Lenos)
Isn't this terrible? Just when we thought oil was falling, passengers are still paying a high price for gas.

Taco Bell E.Coli

Some Taco Bell stores in the Northeast have been linked to an outbreak of E.coli.

Taco Bell said they've been so focused on removing trans-fat oils, they've paid no attention to the garbage they cook in it.

Shuttle Launch with Russia

NASA is readying for Thursday's joint mission to the space station with Russia.

NASA has warned its astronauts not to drink the Tang from bottles labeled with skulls and cross bars.

OR

NASA has to perform a checklist of new safety measures, such as testing the shuttle for radiation.

OR

One of the shuttle's missions is to replace one of the station's three crew members.

But the Americans are a bit put off by the ominous way in which the Russians speak of that mission. At a press conference, a cosmonaut did the rabbit-ear finger quote thing around "replace", and then laughed uncontrollably.

Muslim woman sex advice on Arab TV

The AP reports that an Egyptian sex therapist has a popular TV show broadcast throughout the Middle East, in which she gives sexual advice to woman.

Conservative Islamists at first issued a fatwa against the program, but now support it because suicide bombers have been complaining that it gets 'real old' having to explain everything 72 times.

OR

The show addresses topics common to Islamic woman, such as the big "change" in middle age...when the husband leaves for 72 virgins.

Iraqi conjoined twins

A Saudi Arabian medical team successfully separated conjoined Iraqi twins Sunday.

Within five minutes, the newly free twins killed each other.

Ford Motor Woes

The Ford Motor Company is putting up nearly all its North American assets as collateral for a $18 billion line of credit.

Ford excluded its prized company collection of autos, which includes the prototype of the Model T, and the 1977 Thunderbird in which Brtiney Spears was conceived.

It's been a bad week for Ford. In the latest monthly sales figures releaed Friday, Ford dropped to Number 4.

In hopes of turning things around, Ford has borrowed a page from Chevy's ad campaign, and will begin airing truck commercials titled "This is Our USA" featuring the Great Johnstown Flood.

Things are so bleak that the company has stopped correcting people when mistaken for former President Gerald Ford.

Analysts were surprised that one half of the hourly work force - 38,000 employees - accepted Ford's buyout offers and early retirement packages.

One possible explanation is worker unhappiness when they showed up for their shifts Thursday and were given thorough physicals from bankers who wanted to "examine the goods."

Pope visit to Mosque

Pope Benedict visited a mosque in Turkey, in what was seen as a peace offering and show of respect to Muslims who were offended by the Pope's remarks months ago about the violence of their religion.

The Pope's Muslim hosts reciprocated by not murdering him.

English Smoking Ban

The English government announced a ban on smoking in most public places beginning July 1.

The new law caused Clay Aiken to cancel a planned concert in London when an English promoter told him that fags would be prohibited.

The law is not expected to be enforceable, since police won't be able to detect smoke in the fog.

Cigarette advertising will still be allowed in England, where it's common to see billboards for such icons as "Marlboro Gentleman."

(OR: An ad campaign to promote quitting smoking goes: "Come Rest Ye Marlboro Gentleman")

In explaining the clamp down on smoking, a British official said: "crooked teeth, acceptable; stained, unacceptable."

Stephen Hawking Seeks Space Trip

British scientist Stephen Hawking declared that humans must colonize other solar systems to assure its survival.

President Bush said it sounded like a good idea, and that America would do its part by connecting these solar systems to Nine - Eleven.

OR

Hawkings said these inter-galactic colonies might provide an unlimited supply of second wives.

Pfizer job cuts

Pfizer announced today it will cut its sales force by 20%.

The cuts should have a major impact of the medical industry. Next Thursday 60% of the nation's doctors will be without dinner plans.

Bush twins in Argentina

President Bush's twin daughters have been vacationing in Argentina the past week. The U.S. Embassy has reportedly asked the twins to cut their trip short, after a string of incidents that includes what one local newspaper called a naked run through their hotel hallway.

The White House has denied that the twins have been asked to leave, but has acknowledged that their trip had entered a "nude phase."

South Korea to kill cats, dogs

Due to an outbreak of the bird flu, South Korea will slaughter thousands of cats and dogs in the infected area. Health experts at the U.N. describe the measure as "extreme" and question its validity.

In a related story, Bob Barker has fired the Korean translator of "The Price is Right."

OR

Said a Korean health official: they are going to God's kitchen.

OR

The Korean health ministry also defended its decision to kill each cat nine times.

Mars Probe AWOL

NASA said it's been more than 3 weeks since it received any communication from its 10-year old Mars spacecraft.

NASA is especially perplexed because the craft was recently given its own cellphone.

The Mars Exploration team has written it off as: "an ungrateful tween."

Jesse Jackson Hosting Michael Richards

Michael Richards will be a guest on the Jesse Jackson show this week.

Jackson said he wants to give a second chance to the "hymie."

Richards has hired a public relations guru to help rehabilitate his image. But he has yet to hire a comedy coach. He wants to reshape his image from that of an unfunny racist to an unfunny desperado.

Bad Turkey Day Joke

(this is to make up for yesterday's day off...er)

I was in a car yesterday with a pilgrim from 17th century Plymouth Rock. I told him to buckle up. He pointed to his head, and said: "Hello, hat check."

Macy's Parade

Heavy winds and rain during the Thanksgiving Parade caused Macy's to fly its balloons at just 17 feet.

Parade organizers described it as a healthy level: low like Studio 60 ratings but not "Judith Reagan low."

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

New Zealand Icebergs

In New Zealand people are paying $300 for helicopter rides to view drifting icebergs from Antarctica.

One company is offering a package trip. For $2,500 it takes tourists to Fresno, Calfornia Iceberg Lettuce Country.

OR

The U.S. has pledged an immediate grant to provide cable access to the country.

OJ Simpson Show Not to Air

Fox has cancelled the on-air confession by O.J. Simpson scheduled for this week, due to complaints that it was insensitive.

Fox is reconfiguring the show, and will broadcast it next month. It's to be titled "Simpson" and will feature Michael Richards as O.J.'s neighbor.

OR

It's part of Fox's new programming philoshophy to remove insensitive material. In fact, it's ordered its affiliates to edit-out from Seinfeld re-runs, any appearance by Michael Richards.

Cotton as Food

Texas A & M Researchers have devised a way to genetically modify cottonseed to make it edible to humans.

This is welcome news to the millions of Americans who suffer from 'cotton mouth.'

OR

Soon you'll be fighting with your dog over that stuffed teddy bear. "Fido, Fido!! Put that down! .... that's mommy's dinner."

OR

(for the Lenos)
Too bad they can't do the same for (fill in blank with derogatory food product/restaurant). "Maybe Taco Bell should hire these guys."

Train Kills Elephants

In India, two elephants have been killed in the past week by trains.

The victims' families have vowed to never forget the tragedy.

Times Square Bathroom

Charmin will be operating a large luxurious public bathroom in Times Square over the holidays, featuring a waiting room with TVs, plush couches, and a fireplace.

The restroom has eliminated the only practical reason for entering a McDonalds.

OR

And after each flush, the Charmin Teddy Bear wipes you.

Weatherman's Nude Pic

A Virginia NBC station fired its weatherman after finding nude photos of him on a Myspace page.

The station said it expects its meteorologists to show more humidity.

And so, for the fired weatherman, it's back to the forecasting couch.

Bush Visits Vietnam

President Bush visited Vietnam Saturday, saying he wants to focus on the future rather than dwell on the years our countries were at war.

His hosts have been respectful of that wish. No one has said a thing about Bush's weekends with the Alabama National Guard.

Republican Presidential Maybe

A former Bush administration aide, Tommy Thompson, is exploring running for President in 2008.

Apparently he's hoping voters will think that as a White House insider, he'll know where all the good ideas are buried.

Playstation Mayhem

There have been scores of robbberies across the country, some involving stabbings and shootings, as thugs have tried to intercept the rare new Sony Playstation.

Said a Connecticut victim: "It was awesome. Like being in Grand Theft Auto."

One of the perpetrators claims that he thought it was okay to stab a stranger, since O.J. Simpson's bragging about his murders again.

OR

This turns the conventional theory on its head. Apparently, it's violence that leads to video games.

OR

Arent't kids supposed to play the video games first and Then turn to violence?

Pelosi Pal Fails to Win House Majority Leader

Incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's endorsement was not enough to elevate her long-time ally James Murtha to position of Majority Leader.

So Pelosi learned a harsh lesson: Some old faces just can't be lifted.

Bears roaming Siberia

In Siberia, bears are roaming the countryside because it hasn't been cold enough to start hibernating.

It's gotten so warm in Siberia, that Russian citizens now only have to mildly disagree with Putin to be sent there.

Al-Jazeera launches English channel

Al-Jazeera launched an English-language news channel, but it hasn't been picked up by any major U.S. carrier.

But NBC will be airing a new drama about the making of an Arab news show run by an angry Allah.

It's called:
Stewed Old Deity on the Gaza Strip.

Airline to Cater to Smokers

A German company is forming an airline that will allow - and encourage - passengers and the crew to smoke during flights.

When asked about the potential profitability of the venture, the founder predicted: "our balance sheet will be blacker than our customers' lungs."

If they hire flight attendants from the defunct Hooters Air, the airline will have some smoking hot stewardesses.

It's not known whether the flights will be more or less secure as a result of an Al Queda fatwa against smoking. Said one analyst: "Hijacking should take a backseat to hi-hacking."

Instead of setting up a Frequent Flyer program, the airline will allow customers to redeem their Marlboro Miles.

Burrito versus sandwich

A Massachusetts judge ruled that a burrito is not a sandwich, denying the Panera Bread Co.'s bid to keep the Qdoba Mexican Grill from opening in a shopping center where Panera's lease guarantees it is the only sandwich shop.

Panera has another line of defense, which is to build a 700 mile wall along the Mexican border.

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In a similar case, a Texas judge ruled that System of a Down is not a metal band, ruling they can not share shelf space with Pantera.

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Said a Panera executive: "Dang! Foiled by a burrito!"

Scientists build model gut

British scientists have built an artificial stomach that simulates the human digestive process.

The scientists said they made the metal and plastic model to test how glucose is absorbed in the bloodstream, to help develop new nutrients, and to provide a snappy retort when a rival tells them he 'hates their guts.'

The software-controlled stomach is so realistic, it even vomits during 'American Idol.'

In its first experiment, it will be fed Thanksgiving dinner, to study "Turkey Coma."

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Shouldn't the British be concerned first with developing modern dentistry?

Guns N Roses Cancel Concert

Guns N Roses cancelled a concert in Portland, Maine this week after being told that state law would forbid them from drinking alcohol on stage.

Angry ticket holders wanting to see the band were told: Use Your Illusion.

Axl Rose said if he had wanted to stay sober, he'd have finished "Chinese Democracy" within eight years.

The ban on boozing by performers isn't the only self-defeating law in Maine. In restaurants, diners are prohibited from eating lobsters.

When Kevin Federline learned of the cancellation, he announced: "I'll fill in. I'll play in Maine... where is that?"

The band released a statement on its website: "Playing a show without drinking is as ridiculous as touring without Slash."

Axl Rose added: "We apologize to fans, but it would have been the bleakest November night since the recording of 'November Rain.'

Russia, China space projects

Russia and China announced yesterday they would cooperate on a Mars exploration and other space projects.

Each country has a rich history of contributions to space technology. The Russians, with Sputnik. The Chinese, of course, invented Orange Tang.

Drug recall

A generic drug maker has recalled 11 million bottles of generic tylenol that's sold at CVS, Wal-Mart, and other stores.

There's nothing really wrong with the pills. The company just expects less demand for headache relief now that Donald Rumsfeld has resigned.

Norway ranked #1 country to live

The United Nations ranked Norway as the best country to live in, for the sixth straight year.

The biggest factors are the generous government services, and that only 12% of Americans can find it on a map.

LA Fireman Awarded $2.7 million

The City of Los Angeles is awarding $2.7 million dollars in damages to a fireman who was served dog food and spaghetti by his co-workers.

The City will also pay him an additional $60,000 if he agrees to enter flaming buildings and save lives.

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This really lowers the bar for Fear Factor.

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Gosh, I thought dogfood was cheap.

Britney Spears and K-Fed

Britney Spears filed for divorce Monday from aspiring rapper Kevin Federline. A "K-Fed" concert in Cleveland was cancelled last week because of low-ticket sales. And this past Saturday he performed at New York's Wagner Hall in front of 70 people.

Britney was shocked and dismayed to learn that he had that many illegitate children.

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Britney Spears filed for divorce Monday from aspiring rapper Kevin Federline. Things look bleak for "K-Fed." Saturday, his show at New York's Webster Hall was almost cancelled because only 70 people showed up... and 40 of those were children he had fathered.

Washington State mudslides

Heavy rain caused flooding and mudslides in Washington State and is expected to inflict tens of millions of dollars in property damage.

Republicans in Washington, D.C. are paying close attention, to learn what it's like to lose your House.

Evangelical leader confesses

Members of Colorado Springs' New Life Church expressed forgiveness, love, and brotherhood for disgraced Rev. Ted Haggard, who confessed to being a "deceiver and a liar."

Said one: "we would no sooner desert Rev. Haggard than we would stop supporting President Bush for his relentless deception and lies about Iraq."

Said another: "who amongst us hasn't had drug-fueled homosexual trysts?"

College for Deaf Dismisses New President

Last week the board of trustees of Gallaudet, the nation's largest college for the deaf, revoked the appointment of its incoming president after student and faculty protests that she wasn't "deaf enough."

The board issued a statement that it heard the students' protests "loud and clear," causing students to demand the resignation of every board member.

Evangelical leader bought Meth

The Reverand Ted Haggard, who is accused of taking drugs and paying a man for sex the past 3 years, denied having sex with the man, and yet has admitted that he did one time purchase meth, but "never used it. I was tempted but never used it."

When asked to produce the unconsumed meth, he said he wanted it somewhere out of the way where he wouldn't see it, so he had his wife hide it somewhere in her bedroom.

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When asked to produce the unconsumed meth, he said he had flushed it down his "fabulous French toilet."

Tom Cruise Movie Deal

Tom Cruise has been put in charge of the movie production company UA.

Cruise said he knows it is a change in career, but "looks forward to hanging around all those auto workers and telling them what to do." Turns out he mistakenly thought he was going to head the UAW.

John Kerry Army Insult

John Kerry is still trying to apologize for his remarks to college students that if they don't study hard and keep their grades up, they'll get stuck in the military. Now Kerry's saying he had 'botched' a joke.

What he meant to say, was, if you don't keep good grades in college, you'll end up having to marry some crazy old ketchup heiress in order to live well.

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What he meant to say, was, if you're not intelligent, you have to hire aides to write jokes for you, and even then there's no guarantee you will deliver it correctly.

Divers Digging up Blackbeard's Ship

Divers off the North Carolina coast are searching for artifacts from the famous pirate 'Blackbeard' all this month. They've already found some pieces believed to be from his ship.

The National Retailers Association released a statement: "Some consumers may find interest in this excavation of 'Blackbeard,' but do not do so at the expense of remembering a certain 'Whitebeard'---Santa Claus. November begins the Christmas season."