Happy New Year

Some guy paid 1.9 million dollars for the world's oldest hockey stick; made in 1856.

Funny to think that while our country was brewing up a civil war that would pit brother against brother, the Canadians created a quanit, friendly sport....

Sorry folks, but I'm hear in Nashville, and it's kept me from a-postin'.

Happy New Year.

My resolution is to post each day; starting Tuesday.

Happy New Year.

Hell, there's already been 36 posts already this month.

Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.

My resolution maybe is to post jokes that don't need to be explained. My friend X noted a Conan joke that went: "Lindsey Loham said she ain't had a drink in 7 days. Yep. Yep. Yeppers. but she done been passed out for six-half. " Everyone at the table laughed. My Canada joke (which I gave as an example) was not so much enjoyed. Although a couple folks were even familiar with the Quebec issue... Welp...

Happy New Year.

Ice Mass Snaps Free From Canada's Arctic

A 41-square mile ice shelve has broken away from the Canadian Arctic.

Quebec residents are furious that the ice mass was able to secede without having to hold a referendum.

and/OR

Now, Quebec realizes that the key to becoming independent is through accelerated global warming. Its instructed all of its beret and croissant manufacturers to emit more carbon dioxide.

FDA OKs Cloned Beef

The FDA ruled today that beef and milk from cloned animals is safe to eat and does not require special labeling.

But later, when the real FDA official was untied and freed from his office closet, he denounced his clone and announced that clone beef may indeed require special labeling.

Threatened Polar Bears

The Bush Administration said that polar bears are a threatened species in need of stronger government protection.

The Interior Department is acting on a demand from President Bush, who said he didn't see any polar bears on his Christmas Coke.

Bush Thinking 'bout Iraq

President Bush is honkered down at his Texas ranch this week, working on a new Iraq policy.

He said he is really determined to finish his assignment, but gosh darnitt, with Ford's passing, he might probably have to attend a drawn-out state funeral, which can go on for like "days."

And, White House spokesperson Tony Snow announced: the President's mind is of course also pre-occupied with James Brown.

Saudi Princess Deported

A Saudi Arabian princess living outside of Boston who was accused of breaking U.S. immigration laws by locking up her domestics' passports and forcing them to work for low pay was ordered to be deported, must pay $200,000 restitution, and perform 100 hours of community service.

But, she will be allowed to keep her title as the reigning Miss Massachussetts.

Merry Christmas

Look for topical jokes daily to resume publishing jokes Tuesday, Dec. 26.

Calif Prison Guards

The LA Times reports that many California prison guards have received at least $100,000 in overtime pay.

Despite the high pay, guards say the most rewarding part of their job is still getting to meet Snoop Dogg every month.

New Jersey subway flooding

A government analysis concludes that a small bomb would flood the subway tunnels connecting New Jersey to New York City with one million gallons of water per minute.

It says that within an hour the only thing visible would be the tops of womens' hair.

OR

The report cautions passengers to use waterproof makeup and maximum strength hairspray.

MADD about Miss Teen

Mothers Against Drunk Driving is dropping Miss Teen USA Katie Blair as a spokeswoman because of news reports that she had been partying with Miss USA Tara Conner.

The prized beauty said in a statement that MADD was being "totally ridiculous. We never drove a car after drinking and drugging; we only had to sign for one...Donald has like a zillion drivers."

Baby Put in Airport XRay

A Mexican woman traveling from LAX mistakenly put her one-month old grandson through the x-ray machine.

Some good came out of it: airport security was able to identify and remove a tortilla chip lodged in the baby's esophagus.

Premarital Sex Survey

According to a new study, nine out of ten Americans have had premarital sex.

And, 40% have had bathroom sex with Miss USA.

North Korea financial experts

U.S. and N.Korean financial experts are meeting to discuss the international banking sanctions against N.Korea.

It might sound surprising that there are financial experts in N.Korea, but could you run a country of 23 million people on $8?

OR

This isn't as lopsided a matchup as you might think. With the holidays upon us, our best minds are unavailable. Representing the U.S. is Tom Vu.

OR

Let's hope our confrontations with N.Korea remain financial arguments. We have a really good chance of winning this one.

Space Shuttle Returning

The Discovery shuttle is returning to Earth.

During its 13 day mission, the astronauts have installed an addition to the lab, rewired the space station, and delivered Winter Solstice toys to the children of the European Space Agency.

Olive Garden Sickness

300 diners became sick last week after eating at an Olive Garden in Indiana. Now health officials believe it was caused by a 'norovirus.'

An Olive Garden official said he wished the whole incident was imaginary, just like the company's advertisements that authentic Italians dine there.

OR

An Olive Garden official said that customers should not believe that its restaurants are unsafe anymore than one should believe the ridiculous notion purported in its ads, that real Italians dine there.

OR

A company official said he was disappointed that so many people complained. He said "they shoulda kept it in the family," and that "the rat bastards will pay for talking to the Health Department."

New Defense Secretary

Robert Gates will start as the U.S. defense secretary Monday.

It's hard to tell during the transition period, what items in the office are Rumsfeld's or belong to Gates. For example, an un-opened book-on-tape, "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

Space station

The International Space Station has a solor array that won't fold up. NASA tried to shake it loose by making an astronaut exercise vigorously in order to shake the panel loose, but the astronaut failed to make it budge.

It's too bad they don't have a Nintento Wii controller up there.

Bush new Iraq policy

President Bush is formulating a new Iraq policy, given that most Americans find the reality in Iraq does not match his optimistic assessment.

He's expected to announce mandatory doses of soma.

OPEC to cut output in Feb.

OPEC announced it would reduce production in February in order to lower the world supply of oil.

To which Al Queda replied, "Sounds fun. Where should we set up?"

And later, they texted: "Let's shoot for Jan instead, 'k? Can't wait!"

Princess Diana's death

British police have concluded that the deaths of Princess Diana and her boyfriend Dodi Fayed in 1997 were a "tragic accident" and that allegations of murder are unfounded.

They ruled out the conspiracy theory, saying even though Elton John capitalized on the death, he did not directly cause it.

OR

But their report includes a section by Prince Charles, titled, "If I Did It."

OR

It took them nine years to investigate a car accident? Scotland Yard ain't what it was... I look forward to being around in 2015 to find out that Christians weren't behind this summer's subway bombings...

Feds Raid Beef Plants

Federal officials raided six Swift beef processing plants to arrest illegal immigrants accused of identify theft.

Whoa, they're really taking this Taco Bell e.Coli investigation seriously.

OR

Human rights activists are complaining about the harsh treatment of the alleged aliens...
... And they also took issue with conditions outside the factory.

OR

Immigration's code name for the project is: "Slaughterhouse-Six: (or) The Chicos' Crusade."

OR

Some of those arrested welcomed the change in environment. Said one: "I had almost forgotten what it's like to breathe air free of bloody animal remains."

But another said it was wrong to be detained like "some horde of cattle that is then systematically disemboweled and disassembled."

OR

Swift officials are concerned that such raids would put its plants out of operation.
A spokesman fears "There will be a lot of missed-steaks."

Cruise Ships with Sick Passengers

For the third time in a month, a big cruise ship has pulled into Florida with hundreds of passengers suffering from a stomach virus.

These are hard times if you're a Russian who likes to travel and eat cheap Mexican food.

Chewable Contraceptives

Drug maker Warner Chilcott has begun selling chewable birth control pills which it calls 'tasty and convenient.'

This is ironic, because the advertising is quite tasteless. In one commercial, a husband asks his wife if she is ready to start a family, then she answers "Let me chew on it," and winks to the camera.

OR
(for dummies)
Warner Chilcott, huh? Maybe they oughta be called "Warner Chiclet."

'A Christmas Story' House

A California man bought the Cleveland house used in the filming of "A Christmas Story", and he has opened it to tours and a gift shop.

He had been outbid by Madonna, but she backed out when she learned that the children were not included.

OR

President Bush learned about this, and said it was a good example of "entrepreneurialship. " He then mused that "someone ought to buy that house where the West Wing was filmed, and give out tours there."

Internet-based Phone Use Rises

The number of Voice Over Internet phone subscribers increased 18% the past quarter.

In related news, the State Department announced that relations with Canada and Puerto Rico have never been stronger.

Alcohol Top Killer in Finland

Finland said that alcohol was the #1 cause of death this year, with alcohol poisoning alone responsible for 2,000 deaths.

To lower those numbers, the Finland government will be promoting domestic vodka and raising tariffs on Russian vodka.

OR

Authorities believe drinking will continue to be a problem until Finlanders find other ways to deal with national jealousy of Norway and Sweden.

Indians Buy Hard Rock

Florida's Seminole Indian Tribe announced it was buying the Hard Rock Cafe chain during a press conference at the Manhattan restaurant.

It was reported that members of Kiss were in attendance, but that was just the new management team.

Iraq Study Group

The Iraq Study Group issued its report yesterday.

One of the key conclusions, is that our expectations for democracy should be scaled down. It suggests that our elected President and Congress be replaced by a Study Group.

Iraq Restoring Marshlands

Iraq has been working to restore its historical marshlands. An environmental official announced that one-half of the area was restored and that many former residents have returned.

He added: A good many of them can have open caskets.

OR

He said that by 2008, the marshlands should be THE place to discard bodies.

Plane Forced to Land Due to Flatulence

An American Airlines flight had to emergency-land after a woman passenger lit matches to conceal a bowel movement.

Passengers who sat nearby had attempted to wrestle her to the ground, but found it impossible with one hand holding their nose.

OR

The woman was not allowed to re-board after screening, but she was given a Ginger Ale and they let her keep the can.

OR
(for Lenos)
Isn't this terrible? Just when we thought oil was falling, passengers are still paying a high price for gas.

Taco Bell E.Coli

Some Taco Bell stores in the Northeast have been linked to an outbreak of E.coli.

Taco Bell said they've been so focused on removing trans-fat oils, they've paid no attention to the garbage they cook in it.

Shuttle Launch with Russia

NASA is readying for Thursday's joint mission to the space station with Russia.

NASA has warned its astronauts not to drink the Tang from bottles labeled with skulls and cross bars.

OR

NASA has to perform a checklist of new safety measures, such as testing the shuttle for radiation.

OR

One of the shuttle's missions is to replace one of the station's three crew members.

But the Americans are a bit put off by the ominous way in which the Russians speak of that mission. At a press conference, a cosmonaut did the rabbit-ear finger quote thing around "replace", and then laughed uncontrollably.

Muslim woman sex advice on Arab TV

The AP reports that an Egyptian sex therapist has a popular TV show broadcast throughout the Middle East, in which she gives sexual advice to woman.

Conservative Islamists at first issued a fatwa against the program, but now support it because suicide bombers have been complaining that it gets 'real old' having to explain everything 72 times.

OR

The show addresses topics common to Islamic woman, such as the big "change" in middle age...when the husband leaves for 72 virgins.

Iraqi conjoined twins

A Saudi Arabian medical team successfully separated conjoined Iraqi twins Sunday.

Within five minutes, the newly free twins killed each other.

Ford Motor Woes

The Ford Motor Company is putting up nearly all its North American assets as collateral for a $18 billion line of credit.

Ford excluded its prized company collection of autos, which includes the prototype of the Model T, and the 1977 Thunderbird in which Brtiney Spears was conceived.

It's been a bad week for Ford. In the latest monthly sales figures releaed Friday, Ford dropped to Number 4.

In hopes of turning things around, Ford has borrowed a page from Chevy's ad campaign, and will begin airing truck commercials titled "This is Our USA" featuring the Great Johnstown Flood.

Things are so bleak that the company has stopped correcting people when mistaken for former President Gerald Ford.

Analysts were surprised that one half of the hourly work force - 38,000 employees - accepted Ford's buyout offers and early retirement packages.

One possible explanation is worker unhappiness when they showed up for their shifts Thursday and were given thorough physicals from bankers who wanted to "examine the goods."

Pope visit to Mosque

Pope Benedict visited a mosque in Turkey, in what was seen as a peace offering and show of respect to Muslims who were offended by the Pope's remarks months ago about the violence of their religion.

The Pope's Muslim hosts reciprocated by not murdering him.

English Smoking Ban

The English government announced a ban on smoking in most public places beginning July 1.

The new law caused Clay Aiken to cancel a planned concert in London when an English promoter told him that fags would be prohibited.

The law is not expected to be enforceable, since police won't be able to detect smoke in the fog.

Cigarette advertising will still be allowed in England, where it's common to see billboards for such icons as "Marlboro Gentleman."

(OR: An ad campaign to promote quitting smoking goes: "Come Rest Ye Marlboro Gentleman")

In explaining the clamp down on smoking, a British official said: "crooked teeth, acceptable; stained, unacceptable."

Stephen Hawking Seeks Space Trip

British scientist Stephen Hawking declared that humans must colonize other solar systems to assure its survival.

President Bush said it sounded like a good idea, and that America would do its part by connecting these solar systems to Nine - Eleven.

OR

Hawkings said these inter-galactic colonies might provide an unlimited supply of second wives.

Pfizer job cuts

Pfizer announced today it will cut its sales force by 20%.

The cuts should have a major impact of the medical industry. Next Thursday 60% of the nation's doctors will be without dinner plans.

Bush twins in Argentina

President Bush's twin daughters have been vacationing in Argentina the past week. The U.S. Embassy has reportedly asked the twins to cut their trip short, after a string of incidents that includes what one local newspaper called a naked run through their hotel hallway.

The White House has denied that the twins have been asked to leave, but has acknowledged that their trip had entered a "nude phase."

South Korea to kill cats, dogs

Due to an outbreak of the bird flu, South Korea will slaughter thousands of cats and dogs in the infected area. Health experts at the U.N. describe the measure as "extreme" and question its validity.

In a related story, Bob Barker has fired the Korean translator of "The Price is Right."

OR

Said a Korean health official: they are going to God's kitchen.

OR

The Korean health ministry also defended its decision to kill each cat nine times.

Mars Probe AWOL

NASA said it's been more than 3 weeks since it received any communication from its 10-year old Mars spacecraft.

NASA is especially perplexed because the craft was recently given its own cellphone.

The Mars Exploration team has written it off as: "an ungrateful tween."

Jesse Jackson Hosting Michael Richards

Michael Richards will be a guest on the Jesse Jackson show this week.

Jackson said he wants to give a second chance to the "hymie."

Richards has hired a public relations guru to help rehabilitate his image. But he has yet to hire a comedy coach. He wants to reshape his image from that of an unfunny racist to an unfunny desperado.

Bad Turkey Day Joke

(this is to make up for yesterday's day off...er)

I was in a car yesterday with a pilgrim from 17th century Plymouth Rock. I told him to buckle up. He pointed to his head, and said: "Hello, hat check."

Macy's Parade

Heavy winds and rain during the Thanksgiving Parade caused Macy's to fly its balloons at just 17 feet.

Parade organizers described it as a healthy level: low like Studio 60 ratings but not "Judith Reagan low."

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

New Zealand Icebergs

In New Zealand people are paying $300 for helicopter rides to view drifting icebergs from Antarctica.

One company is offering a package trip. For $2,500 it takes tourists to Fresno, Calfornia Iceberg Lettuce Country.

OR

The U.S. has pledged an immediate grant to provide cable access to the country.

OJ Simpson Show Not to Air

Fox has cancelled the on-air confession by O.J. Simpson scheduled for this week, due to complaints that it was insensitive.

Fox is reconfiguring the show, and will broadcast it next month. It's to be titled "Simpson" and will feature Michael Richards as O.J.'s neighbor.

OR

It's part of Fox's new programming philoshophy to remove insensitive material. In fact, it's ordered its affiliates to edit-out from Seinfeld re-runs, any appearance by Michael Richards.

Cotton as Food

Texas A & M Researchers have devised a way to genetically modify cottonseed to make it edible to humans.

This is welcome news to the millions of Americans who suffer from 'cotton mouth.'

OR

Soon you'll be fighting with your dog over that stuffed teddy bear. "Fido, Fido!! Put that down! .... that's mommy's dinner."

OR

(for the Lenos)
Too bad they can't do the same for (fill in blank with derogatory food product/restaurant). "Maybe Taco Bell should hire these guys."

Train Kills Elephants

In India, two elephants have been killed in the past week by trains.

The victims' families have vowed to never forget the tragedy.

Times Square Bathroom

Charmin will be operating a large luxurious public bathroom in Times Square over the holidays, featuring a waiting room with TVs, plush couches, and a fireplace.

The restroom has eliminated the only practical reason for entering a McDonalds.

OR

And after each flush, the Charmin Teddy Bear wipes you.

Weatherman's Nude Pic

A Virginia NBC station fired its weatherman after finding nude photos of him on a Myspace page.

The station said it expects its meteorologists to show more humidity.

And so, for the fired weatherman, it's back to the forecasting couch.

Bush Visits Vietnam

President Bush visited Vietnam Saturday, saying he wants to focus on the future rather than dwell on the years our countries were at war.

His hosts have been respectful of that wish. No one has said a thing about Bush's weekends with the Alabama National Guard.

Republican Presidential Maybe

A former Bush administration aide, Tommy Thompson, is exploring running for President in 2008.

Apparently he's hoping voters will think that as a White House insider, he'll know where all the good ideas are buried.

Playstation Mayhem

There have been scores of robbberies across the country, some involving stabbings and shootings, as thugs have tried to intercept the rare new Sony Playstation.

Said a Connecticut victim: "It was awesome. Like being in Grand Theft Auto."

One of the perpetrators claims that he thought it was okay to stab a stranger, since O.J. Simpson's bragging about his murders again.

OR

This turns the conventional theory on its head. Apparently, it's violence that leads to video games.

OR

Arent't kids supposed to play the video games first and Then turn to violence?

Pelosi Pal Fails to Win House Majority Leader

Incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's endorsement was not enough to elevate her long-time ally James Murtha to position of Majority Leader.

So Pelosi learned a harsh lesson: Some old faces just can't be lifted.

Bears roaming Siberia

In Siberia, bears are roaming the countryside because it hasn't been cold enough to start hibernating.

It's gotten so warm in Siberia, that Russian citizens now only have to mildly disagree with Putin to be sent there.

Al-Jazeera launches English channel

Al-Jazeera launched an English-language news channel, but it hasn't been picked up by any major U.S. carrier.

But NBC will be airing a new drama about the making of an Arab news show run by an angry Allah.

It's called:
Stewed Old Deity on the Gaza Strip.

Airline to Cater to Smokers

A German company is forming an airline that will allow - and encourage - passengers and the crew to smoke during flights.

When asked about the potential profitability of the venture, the founder predicted: "our balance sheet will be blacker than our customers' lungs."

If they hire flight attendants from the defunct Hooters Air, the airline will have some smoking hot stewardesses.

It's not known whether the flights will be more or less secure as a result of an Al Queda fatwa against smoking. Said one analyst: "Hijacking should take a backseat to hi-hacking."

Instead of setting up a Frequent Flyer program, the airline will allow customers to redeem their Marlboro Miles.

Burrito versus sandwich

A Massachusetts judge ruled that a burrito is not a sandwich, denying the Panera Bread Co.'s bid to keep the Qdoba Mexican Grill from opening in a shopping center where Panera's lease guarantees it is the only sandwich shop.

Panera has another line of defense, which is to build a 700 mile wall along the Mexican border.

OR

In a similar case, a Texas judge ruled that System of a Down is not a metal band, ruling they can not share shelf space with Pantera.

OR

Said a Panera executive: "Dang! Foiled by a burrito!"

Scientists build model gut

British scientists have built an artificial stomach that simulates the human digestive process.

The scientists said they made the metal and plastic model to test how glucose is absorbed in the bloodstream, to help develop new nutrients, and to provide a snappy retort when a rival tells them he 'hates their guts.'

The software-controlled stomach is so realistic, it even vomits during 'American Idol.'

In its first experiment, it will be fed Thanksgiving dinner, to study "Turkey Coma."

OR

Shouldn't the British be concerned first with developing modern dentistry?

Guns N Roses Cancel Concert

Guns N Roses cancelled a concert in Portland, Maine this week after being told that state law would forbid them from drinking alcohol on stage.

Angry ticket holders wanting to see the band were told: Use Your Illusion.

Axl Rose said if he had wanted to stay sober, he'd have finished "Chinese Democracy" within eight years.

The ban on boozing by performers isn't the only self-defeating law in Maine. In restaurants, diners are prohibited from eating lobsters.

When Kevin Federline learned of the cancellation, he announced: "I'll fill in. I'll play in Maine... where is that?"

The band released a statement on its website: "Playing a show without drinking is as ridiculous as touring without Slash."

Axl Rose added: "We apologize to fans, but it would have been the bleakest November night since the recording of 'November Rain.'

Russia, China space projects

Russia and China announced yesterday they would cooperate on a Mars exploration and other space projects.

Each country has a rich history of contributions to space technology. The Russians, with Sputnik. The Chinese, of course, invented Orange Tang.

Drug recall

A generic drug maker has recalled 11 million bottles of generic tylenol that's sold at CVS, Wal-Mart, and other stores.

There's nothing really wrong with the pills. The company just expects less demand for headache relief now that Donald Rumsfeld has resigned.

Norway ranked #1 country to live

The United Nations ranked Norway as the best country to live in, for the sixth straight year.

The biggest factors are the generous government services, and that only 12% of Americans can find it on a map.

LA Fireman Awarded $2.7 million

The City of Los Angeles is awarding $2.7 million dollars in damages to a fireman who was served dog food and spaghetti by his co-workers.

The City will also pay him an additional $60,000 if he agrees to enter flaming buildings and save lives.

OR

This really lowers the bar for Fear Factor.

OR

Gosh, I thought dogfood was cheap.

Britney Spears and K-Fed

Britney Spears filed for divorce Monday from aspiring rapper Kevin Federline. A "K-Fed" concert in Cleveland was cancelled last week because of low-ticket sales. And this past Saturday he performed at New York's Wagner Hall in front of 70 people.

Britney was shocked and dismayed to learn that he had that many illegitate children.

OR

Britney Spears filed for divorce Monday from aspiring rapper Kevin Federline. Things look bleak for "K-Fed." Saturday, his show at New York's Webster Hall was almost cancelled because only 70 people showed up... and 40 of those were children he had fathered.

Washington State mudslides

Heavy rain caused flooding and mudslides in Washington State and is expected to inflict tens of millions of dollars in property damage.

Republicans in Washington, D.C. are paying close attention, to learn what it's like to lose your House.

Evangelical leader confesses

Members of Colorado Springs' New Life Church expressed forgiveness, love, and brotherhood for disgraced Rev. Ted Haggard, who confessed to being a "deceiver and a liar."

Said one: "we would no sooner desert Rev. Haggard than we would stop supporting President Bush for his relentless deception and lies about Iraq."

Said another: "who amongst us hasn't had drug-fueled homosexual trysts?"

College for Deaf Dismisses New President

Last week the board of trustees of Gallaudet, the nation's largest college for the deaf, revoked the appointment of its incoming president after student and faculty protests that she wasn't "deaf enough."

The board issued a statement that it heard the students' protests "loud and clear," causing students to demand the resignation of every board member.

Evangelical leader bought Meth

The Reverand Ted Haggard, who is accused of taking drugs and paying a man for sex the past 3 years, denied having sex with the man, and yet has admitted that he did one time purchase meth, but "never used it. I was tempted but never used it."

When asked to produce the unconsumed meth, he said he wanted it somewhere out of the way where he wouldn't see it, so he had his wife hide it somewhere in her bedroom.

OR

When asked to produce the unconsumed meth, he said he had flushed it down his "fabulous French toilet."

Tom Cruise Movie Deal

Tom Cruise has been put in charge of the movie production company UA.

Cruise said he knows it is a change in career, but "looks forward to hanging around all those auto workers and telling them what to do." Turns out he mistakenly thought he was going to head the UAW.

John Kerry Army Insult

John Kerry is still trying to apologize for his remarks to college students that if they don't study hard and keep their grades up, they'll get stuck in the military. Now Kerry's saying he had 'botched' a joke.

What he meant to say, was, if you don't keep good grades in college, you'll end up having to marry some crazy old ketchup heiress in order to live well.

OR

What he meant to say, was, if you're not intelligent, you have to hire aides to write jokes for you, and even then there's no guarantee you will deliver it correctly.

Divers Digging up Blackbeard's Ship

Divers off the North Carolina coast are searching for artifacts from the famous pirate 'Blackbeard' all this month. They've already found some pieces believed to be from his ship.

The National Retailers Association released a statement: "Some consumers may find interest in this excavation of 'Blackbeard,' but do not do so at the expense of remembering a certain 'Whitebeard'---Santa Claus. November begins the Christmas season."

John Hopkins Halloween Party

A fraternity at John Hopkins University was suspended after hosting a, “Halloween in the Hood” party that played on some racial stereotypes.

John Hopkin's president also ordered the fraternity's members to perform lab work to identify the gene that causes social ineptitude.

OR

In response, the fraternity's leader said that the suspension of their activities is so not an equal and opposite reaction.

Wind storms hit Northeast

Massive wind storms along the North East caused at least 2 deaths, and knocked out electricity for thousands.

To see footage of the destruction, look during Monday Night Football for Chevrolet's new "This is Our Country" ad.

Iraq Prime Minister 'Not America's Man'

Iraq's Prime Minister was quoted as saying that, "while he is a friend, he is not America's man in Iraq."

He said that, due to security concerns in Baghdad, he'd prefer to be America's man in Saint-Tropez.

OR

In fact, he said, he's not even sure if he's a man.

OR

So, who is America's man in Iraq? David Hasselhoff, whose popularity there now exceeds his earlier success in Germany.

OR

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, I am so not the American man in Iran. I'm the opposite of America's man in Iran.. and I am not even her friend."

Drug raid tuns up nuclear secrets

The FBI has found that hard drives storing classified documents from the Los Alamos nuclear lab were sold to a local drug dealer for methamphetamine.

This is good news for our nation's security. North Korea may have tested a bomb, but they don't even have nuclear warheads. America, on the other hand, has developed nuclear meth heads.

Snoop Dogg arrested on gun, drug charges

Police arrested Snoop Dogg at California's Bob Hope Airport after finding marijuanna and a gun in his car.

Snoop's attorney said his client had every reason to be carrying those items, because he was scheduled to fly on Southwest.

OR

Good thing for Snoop he put his attorney in his T-Mobile "Top 5."

OR

T-Mobile announced they would not drop him as a spokesperson, because it would be hypocritical... seeing how their recently launched slogan is: 'Stick Together.' Said a company flak: "At T-Mobile we stick together, we never drop our homies, yo!"

OR

Geez, man. I can't believe Snoop be disrespecting Bob Hope. I thought after that Chrysler commerical with Lee Iacoca he got on nicely with old men who might be dead.

OR

(for the Dummies): It's Bob HOPE airport... not DOPE!

New Jersey Same-Sex Unions

New Jersey's Supreme Court ruled that same-sex partnerships are entitled to the same rights as married couples, and ordered the state legislature to decide within 6 months what to call these same-sex unions.

And it warned, "no looking at other states' papers."

OR

Many lawmakers have avowed not to allow the term 'marriage' for gay couples. But, due to the timing of the deadline, some are considering labeling it "May-rage."

OR

The court also gave the publishers of Weird New Jersey four months to amend its newest edition.

Mexico Border Fence

President Bush today signed into law a bill authorizing construction of a 700 mile wall along the Mexican border.

The project is estimated to cost 3 to 8 billion dollars, depending on the availability of cheap, low-skilled labor.

Canadian Phone Company Breaks Contract

Up in Canada, a judge ruled that Bell Aliant may break its million dollar contract with a cable company regarding usage of telephone polls, due to the "rules of grammar," because of an ambigulously placed comma.

Innovation in the telcom industry isn't what it once was. We went from "Watson, come here!" to "What's up with that comma?"

New York Taxi Fares Rise

New York City's Taxi Commission Approved a Fare Hike that doubles the cost the meter charges while sitting in traffic. The new 'wait time' cost is 40 cents a minute.

The Commission also allowed for the doubling of the hit passengers take to their dignity, when waiting for a cab to pick them up. Now, while passing by, drivers can yell, "Not for you, Undesirable."

The subway system believes this move will be good for its business. The MTA reminded New Yorkers, "Sitting or standing in a stalled subway train costs no additional charge, and allows passengers to mingle."

OR

The squeeze isn't as bad as it could have been. The Taxi Commission voted against one proposed fare hike that would charge $3 to customers who mistakenly approach a cab that already has passengers.

OR

It still costs no monetary charge to stand and wait for a cab to stop to pick you up. Just your dignity.

Hastert Testifies About Foley

House Speaker Dennis Hastert, during testimony today, urged the ethics committee to act quickly to unravel the page scandal.

When hearing that, Mark Foley said, "I am also looking for some quick action."

OR

Isn't that like President Bush announcing that we should not invade Iraq unless WMD is found?

Iraq Deputy Premier Asks Allied Troops to Stay

Iraq's deputy prime minister, meeting with British officials in London, said coalition troops must stay in Iraq and resist the urge to "cut and run."

He said the meetings in England were going very well, and he'll have to stay extra days or maybe weeks to see these issues through:

"You know how it is when discussing great issues, sometimes it takes months, years. Rome was not built in a day." He then asked how long it did take Rome to be built, answered himself with "many decades," and then announced that he was willing to sacrifice 30 years residing in London, in order to advance Iraq's stability. "Maybe Iraq will never be safe, and I never go back..."

Panama Canal Expansion

Panama voters approved a multi-billion dollar expansion of the Panama Canal, which will allow the largest freight ships to pass through and is projected to double capacity.

Opponents of the plan, which included environmentalists and Human Rights advocates, claimed the larger size would "allow Madonna to adopt entire African villages of boys."

Expansion advocates handed out tee-shirts which read, "Discover Yellow Fever All Over Again."

The Panamanian government plans to begin the project, but, as with the initial creation, to let the U.S. finish it, in order to 'boost its confidence because of that Iraq mess.'

Harrison Ford to again play Indiana Jones

Harrison Ford said he felt "fit" to again play Indiana Jones despite growing older.

His girlfriend, Calista Flockhart, said that she was fit to star in an upcoming biopic about Mama Cass.

Stock Exchange Former Chair Ordered to Return Money

A New York judge has ordered former stock exchange chairman Richard Grasso to return $100 million, as part of legal proceedings springing from New York Attorney General Spitzer's claim that Grasso was paid too much money.

Anyone investing in Wall Street would agree there should be a limit on earnings, right? No one wants to make too much money. The sky's not the limit, the limit is just what Eliot Spitzer thinks is 'propriate.

I earned $900 on my two Google shares, but I gave it back. Well, I donated it to Spitzer's gubernatorial campaign. I want to be on this guy's side. If he can reverse the basic principles of a market economy as Attorney General, who knows what the hec he'll be up to as Governor.

Job, Budget Cuts at NBC Universal

NBC Universal plans to cut annual operating expenses by $750 million and reduce its workforce by about 700 jobs.

The cuts are expected to mean five less Law and Orders per week.

OR

At this rate, within a few years General Electric will be only a consortium of profitable, stable, high-growth companies, and not be in the entertainment business at all.

UN Security Council Vote

The UN is voting to fill out the non permanent slots on the Security Council. The seat that is to be held by a Central American or Carribbean country is causing a big deadlock in the vote. The Venezuelans are declaring themselves as an alternative to America hegemony.

The U.S. said it is not necessarily looking for the seat to be filled by a pushover, but only someone reasonable. It has nominated St. Thomas.

Immigration Law Restricts Mail Order Brides

The New York Times reported that a more restrictive policy toward mail-order brides, that factors in the man's criminal record, has led immigration to freeze 10,000 visa applicantions by U.S men, frustrating their hopes for a happy marriage.

The foreign women have complained, as one Russian said: "The longer it takes us to get to America, it's that much longer before we can get divorced."

The big benefiiciaries of this law are American women who have been given more time to compete for these bread-winners.

CBGB closing and UnitedHealth scandal

The famous New York punk club CBGB, where bands such as Talking Heads and The Ramones caught breaks, had its final concert Sunday before an eviction shuts it down after 33 years.

Patrons are taking to heart that although the space is closed, the music lives on. For example, retiring UnitedHealth CEO William McGuire was heard singing, "I want to be backdated."

OR

Now it is possible that a young person may purchase a CBGB tee-shirt without having ever been at the club.

OR

The landlord apparently told the club, "This is not your crappy house."

Hawaii Earthquake

A 6.6 Magnitude earthquake shook Hawaii Sunday.

It took officials several hours to declare an emergency because they thought they were just witnessing a really intense hula performance.

OR

North Korea has claimed the tremors were caused by a "totally sucessful and powerful nuclear test." .. in response, President Bush announced the federal government would not send any aide to Hawaii, and Condi Rice has called for increased isolation of the islands.

Wal-Mart 800 Number for Sick Days

Wal-Mart enacted a new attendance policy that requires employees to call a 800 number before missing a shift due to illness.

The company also set up a 900 number for employees to report any workplace violations... and has slashed the price to just $3.99 per minute.

OR

The company also announced it was replacing its greeters with that creepy cartoonish technology used in the Charles Schwab commercials.

New Species Found in Europe

Scientists have discovered a mouse in Cyrpus with big ears, eyes, and teeth; the first mammal found in Europe in decades. It had been thought that all species on the continent had been identified.

Politcal scientists are classifying it as part of the "New Europe."

OR

Donald Rumsfeld has welcomed it as part of the "New Europe."

OR

Prince Charles said that the discovery legitimizes his claim on the throne of England.

North Korea nuclear

The Bush Administration is stressing that Sunday's nuclear test by North Korea produced a much smaller explosion than expected.

Secretary of State Condi Rice said, "It couldn't be less significant if it happened in North Dakota."

Baseball Subway Series

The New York Mets begin the National League Championship Series today. The
Yankees were eliminated, so there will be no Subway Series this year.

Usually the mayors of each team's city place a wager of some tokens from
their respective locale. In the last Subway Series, in 2000, the borough
president of Queens bet a buttered roll against the Bronx president's
buttered bagel.

OR

Mayor Bloomberg was going to bet himself $1 billion.

Mel Gibson Interview

Mel Gibson will appear on Good Morning America Thursday.

His publicist said this is not an attempt to gain forgiveness for Gibson's awful behavior, but only to prepare the country for Gibson's awful movie, "Apocalypto" coming Dec 8th.

France Bans Smoking

France announced it is banning smoking in public next year.

The government told its citizens they can use their cigarette holders to hold up their noses at tourists.

OR

But it will still be legal to wear a beret and carry a cigarette holder.

OR

The ban will take effect Feb 1, the same day 65 years ago that the country outlawed Bravery.

U.S Population to Hit 300 Million

The New York Times noted that the 300 millionth American will either immigrate or be born within the next week.

When President Bush was told this, he asked, "People are getting into this country through hospitals?"

and/OR

Congress is considering legislation to build a 700 mile wall around General Hospital.

U.S. Labor Report

The Labor Department said the unemployment rate last month dropped to 4.6 percent but the number of new jobs was less than expected.

President Bush said, 'If that's good news, you can thank me.'

Hastert Won't Step Down as Speaker

House Republican Dennis Hastert announced today he would not step down as Speaker, in the wake of the Foley scandal.

Hastert, a former high school wrestling coach, said, 'There's a fine line between rolling around on a mat with teenage boys, and sending them sexually explicit emails."

Rice Warns Iraqi Leaders

Secretary of State Rice told Iraqi leaders they have limited time to settle their differences and stop sectarian killings.

A Shiite politician replied, "Is when Baghdad freezes over soon enough for you?"

Microsoft to Cripple Computers

Microsoft said it will cripple computers running pirated versions of its upcoming new operating system, by limiting features and forcing the user to restart Internet Explorer after an hour.

The company said, if a customer doesn't want to purchase the upgrade, then they should have the same experience as XP users.

Canada Drugs Welcome Back to U.S.

The Customs and Border Patrol announced it will stop seizing most drugs from Canada into the U.S.

The agency said it will continue seizures of Epilepsy medicine.

Fla Boy Runs Away to Cuba

A 14 year old Florida boy fled his father's home by buying a plane ticket to Cuba to live with his mother.

His father and teacher are shocked, because the kid had just been selected to serve as a page to Mark Foley.