Paula Abdul Defends Self

Paula Abdul, on the 'hot seat' for her slurred speech on "American Idol," said that she has never been drunk.

But by giving such an extreme defense, she now has no excuse for dating Aresnio Hall.

Al Qaida #2 Insults Bush

Al Qaida's Second in Command, Ayman al-Zawahri, in a message released today, said that President Bush is an alcoholic.

But you have to take what he says with a grain of salt. Afterall, wasn't it just last week he called his rival, Arwaj Qurol a drug addict for using Flomax?

Space Station Power Outage

NASA announced that sections of the International Space Station lost power for much of Sunday.

Fortunately, the crew was able to have a nice romantic candlelight dinner.

OR

NASA said the full impact of the incident won't be apparent until 9 months.

Lisa Nowak Road Trip

Lisa Nowak said she wore adult diapers so she could make her 900+ mile trip to Orlando without taking bathroom breaks.

But she did make an hour stop in New Orleans to get a 'po boy.
-or-
But she did stop in New Orleans in an attempt to ask Angelina Jolie how to win the heart of a great man.
-or-
But she did make a sightseeing stop in Shelbyville, Alabama, home to the Crazy Woman Hall of Fame.
-or-
She also recommends Paying at the Pump for when you're really in a rush to ruin your career.
-or-
She considered Paying at the Pump for gasoline, but then found it quicker to wave a 4-inch blade menacingly, and to use mace on the attendant.
-or-
She told police she didn't need any sleep on the journey because she had acquired a batch of Tang Ultra, "what the pros drink."

Lisa Nowak Released on Bond

Lisa Nowak was released last week from the Orlando courthouse on just over $25,000 bail.

Shouldn't someone who's an Air Force pilot and astronaut be deemed a greater flight risk?

Lisa Nowak Disgraces Orlando

Residents of Orlando are worried that the city's reputation has been sullied by the Lisa Nowak incident, and might keep tourists away.

They say it's been the biggest disgrace to hit Orlando since Captain Eo.

Lisa Nowak Trenchcoat

Lisa Nowak has been wearing a coat over her head when leaving the courtroom and when arriving at Houston's airport.

It's understandable she wants to be incognito, but, what was wrong with the trenchcoat and wig she wore in Orlando? It was much more becoming.

Lisa Nowak Diapers

Astronaut Lisa Nowak told police that on her 950 mile drive to confront her romantic rival, she wore adult diapers so she wouldn't have to make any restroom stops.

Ironic, because her supervisors at NASA have now told her she is going to take a rest. A nice long rest.

Lisa Nowak Explains (Again)

(for Lenos)
Y'know, NASA officials are saying it is understandable that Lisa Nowak went berserk over the astronaut William Oefelein.

They say as a lover, he is really out of this world.

Lisa Nowak Explains

Lisa Nowak said she did not plan to attempt to murder her romantic rival Colleen Shipman.

She said she just wanted to "'Pluto' her ass."

OR

She said she just wanted to tell Shipman, "Why don't you make like the Mars Global Surveyor and disappear?"

Spacewalks at Space Station

NASA announced that two of its astronauts at the space station performed their third spacewalk in the past nine days.

They showed footage of the walk, and, in a worrisome sign, the two are holding hands.

OR

Wow, three space walks in just over a week? They are totally going steady!

Pelosi Plane Request

Some Republicans criticized Speaker Pelosi's need to fly on a large Air Force plane that can travel to California without refueling, but the White House defended her.

White House press secretary Tony Snow said it is sensible for the Pentagon to provide her with a plane because she has had problems getting a lift.

OR

Pelosi's wondering why can't she ever get a simple lift without any complications.

OR

Said a Repubican congressman from Florida: 'She's clearly already gotten a lift.'

Astronaut Kidnap Attempt

NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested after driving 900 miles from Houston to Kennedy Space Center, wearing an adult diaper so she didn't have to stop for bathroom breaks on the trip.

The incident raises a lot of questions about NASA's screening process, such as how they selected an astronaut who would rather piss on herself than fly.

NASA Astronaut Charged with Murder

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was charged with attempted murder of an Air Force engineer who Nowak belived to be her romantic rival for another astronaut, Billy Oefelein.

This sheds some light on that experiment NASA did aboard the space shuttle last summer, to test how a bunny would boil in zero gravity.

Maytag Dishwasher Recall

The Maytag Company had to recall more than 2 million dishwashers due to faulty wiring that has caused 123 fires. The company instructed owners to unplug their machine and call to arrange an on-site repair.

In a related story, "Old Lonely,"the Maytag repairman has died of a heart attack.

OR

The company is reconsidering its decision of staffing its repair division with just one employee, and letting him grow to be a bumbling, aloof old fool.

OR

Things are even worse for Maytag: 'Old Lonely' is refusing to do the work. He said, "I have a ten thousand Myspace friends; I don't need this."

The Maytag Repairman has sought out the advice of Chris Cringle. "How can I be a million places in one night?" Replied Santa: "Don't ask me, ask Paris Hilton."

OR

(for Lenos)
Looks like Old Lonely is finally going to meet a lot of folks. ... he released a statement: "Be careful what you wish for."

Bush Speaks to Dems at Retreat

President Bush attended an annual retreat of Congressional Democrats Saturday, in which he apologized for having referred to "the Democrat majority," omitting the "ic." during his State of the Union address.

The Democrats in turn explained that they hadn't been booing him during the State of the Union, they were merely pronouncing his name minus the last two letters.

OR

Bush pledged to not only restore the 'I' and 'C'; but to create for Congress a big 'I O U.'

OR

When Bush returned from the meeting, the White House had set up a large banner on the South Lawn that read: "Retreat Accomplished."

OR

When asked to explain why Bush attended the retreat for the first time in six years, spokesman Tony Snow said "he was looking for his poll numbers which are also retreating."

Boston Terror

In a press conference yesterday, Boston mayor Thomas Menino said he will make sure that Turner Broadcasting pays for the security costs resulting from Boston police's response to seeing the company's promotional circuit boards.

He then screamed, "Put down that gun! Put down that gun!" to a local CBS reporter. She was able to prove the item she was holding to be a microphone only after police detained her in a preceint jail. Said Menino: "CBS will pay for this hoax."

Bush Iraq Budget

President Bush will seek an additional $100 billion to wage the Iraq and Afghanistan wars this year, making the total for 2007 $170 billion.

Bush tried to put a silver lining on it, by reminding Congress that $30 billion would be returned to the Treasury when the Vice President pays his income tax.

Hugo Chavez and Castro

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez said that Fidel Castro has visibly improved from his illness.

He describes Castro as being one of the healthiest invisible men he's ever seen. "You'd have to see it to believe it," he said.... "wait! I mean, take my word on it..."

Chavez was given free rein to run Venezuela yesterday by the country's legislature.

Chavez said that with this elimination of opposition, he no longer worries about having to put his neck on the line, but not being able to locate it.

His first acts since obtaining the wider power, were to: declare that every Venezuelan must believe that Fidel Castro is healthy; seize all foreign assets in the country and place them on the Colts to cover; overturn the no-sharing policy at Shoney's buffets.

Britney Spears Divorce Settlement

"Fed-Ex" has reportedly rejected a $25 million offer from Britney Spears.

However, UPS agreed to ship her 162 lb. gift package to U.S. soldiers in Baghdad.

New Microsoft Windows Vista

Microsoft today officially released the consumer versions of the new Windows Vista and Office 2007.

The software is a big improvement but has some bugs. Plus, it seems Microsoft went a bit far in trying to follow Google's strategy of integrating advertising into its products. For example, if you are in Word and type "Dear Dad", a dancing Paper Clip appears, and asks "Looks like you're writing a letter to your mother. Do you want to order envelopes or do you want to lower your monthly mortgage payments so you don't have to hit her up for yet another loan?"

Prince Charles Visit to New York

Prince Charles and his wife Camilla visited New York City Sunday. During the trip, Al Gore presented the prince with an environmental award.


It honors Prince Charles for making any environment he visits so dull, that Al Gore looks interesting by comparison.

The royal couple also visited Harlem.

They were interrupted a dozen times by different people muttering: "Camilla! I got a cousin named Camilla. Give me a million dollars."

Caffeinated Donuts

A North Carolina scientist has invented caffeinated donuts: each donut contains the equivalent of two cups of coffee.

So, just four donuts would equal a Starbucks Venti coffee.

OR

The inventor sees it as the multi-tasking equivalent to donuts' most devout customer: the policeman. "We ask our policemen to both serve and to protect. Shouldn't their snack food both stimulate and fatten at once?"

Said a police officer at the local Dunky's: "Sarge better not use this to cut our break time in half."

OR

Starbucks said it doesn't view the caffeinated donut as a substitute for coffee: "Our research shows that the #1 reason consumers purchase our coffee is for the 'As I See It' series printed on Starbucks cups. ..... The #2 reason is to avoid saving."

(for Lenos)
Aren't we getting lazy in this country? We can't even dunk our donuts in coffee anymore.......

Prince Charles Visit to Philly

Prince Charles and his wife Camilla are visiting Philadelphia this weekend.

Prince Charles said that for cheesesteaks, he prefers Geno's over Pat's; and for children, William over Henry.

Michael Jackson Back in the USA

Michael Jackson is back in the U.S. after a year of 'self-imposed exile' living in France and Ireland.

He said he was glad to be back because Europe is "so weird."

Jackson said that Ireland freaked him out because the people were so dark.And in France he assumed the men would be interested in an attractive, successful woman, but nobody asked him out.

CBS is glad Jackson has returned. Now their selection of Prince to perform at the Super Bowl appears to be a conservative choice.

Jackson's spokesman said Jackson had to attend to the business you would expect of someone returning from abroad: suing his business manager and borrowing against the Beatles publishing royalties.
He said he's also determined to get "all that Night in the Museum stuff" into Neverland.

First and foremost, though, out of respect: he plans to sleep in James Brown's casket.

U. of North Carolina Mistake

UNC-Chapel Hill accidentally sent congratulations on acceptance in an email to 2,700 applicants whose admission status won't be determined until March.

The prospective students said they were a bit shook up by the mistake, but they preferred it to Duke's practice of prematurely pronouncing students as guilty of rape.

President's State of the Union Address

President Bush gave his State of the Union speech last night. He proposed a way to increase access to health care for millions of Americans.

However, his plan would exclude 21,000 soldiers.

The President also set a goal of reducing gasoline consumption 20% over the next ten years.

The plan is to get the country to gradually warm to the idea of 'Stay at Home on Hump Day.'

New Jersey Miss USA Resigns

Miss New Jersey USA resigned last week after becoming pregnant.

Ironically, her mother had also given up her crown. She had it removed from her molar, and sold the gold to pay for the contest's evening dress.

OR

So, a 46 year old woman from Trenton will be crowned. ... (yeah)... because her health insurance covers the dental procedure.

Chicago Bears Gunman

A Cook County judge has approved a request by the defense attorney of Chicago Bears tackle Terry "Tank" Johnson to allow the player to travel to the Super Bowl despite being under house arrest while he awaits gun possession charges.

This just proves the old adage that defense attorneys win championships.

Johnson helped his cause by appearing less violent. He changed his nickname to "Lady Bird."

Saddam Copycat Deaths

At least ten children have died in the past few weeks imitating Saddam's hanging.

The mothers of these children have condemmed the details televised from Saddam's hanging; specifically, the trap door, which has put a hole in the kitchen ceiling.

President's State of the Union

President Bush will be delivering his State of the Union speech Tuesday night. The administration is concerned about how he will be received.

In fact, one offiical said that they are relieved that the Simon Cowell show comes on before the speech. When it was pointed out that American Idol is taped weeks ago anyway, the official said, "yes, I meant: the President will look a lot better after the country watches those off-key fatties."

Chicago Bears in Super Bowl

The Chicago Bears beat the New Orleans Saints to advance to the Super Bowl which will be hosted in Miami Febrary Third.

A good many fans from Chicago will be making the trip down there. Someone should probably warn them not to go asking around for sausage in South Beach.

OR

Really big letdown for New Orleans, which had been looking to the team for hope. After the loss to the Bears, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have changed their minds and decided not to move there.

Beckham in Los Angeles

As you know, David Beckham signed a big deal to play soccer in Los Angeles. League officials are worried about whether he will be a hit with the area's large Hispanic population.

It's been suggested that he drop the Spice Girl in favor of Christina Aguilera.

Hillary Clinton Campaign

Hillary Clinton declared she is entering the race for the Democratic nomination for president.

She is said to have increased her appeal the past few years among conservatives, by becoming an old lady.

In her announcement, she invited people to converse with her, saying "Let's talk. Let's chat."

She added: "Especially you, Monica. I still really want to have a nice chat with you."

Beautician Kills with Corn Oil

A beautician was sentenced to 15 years in prison for injecting cooking oil into patients' buttocks, which killed one patient and severely injured others.

The plaintiff's lawyer said the penalty is excessive, because the woman has already learned her Wesson.

Robert E. Lee Birthday

On this day 200 years ago, General Robert E. Lee was born.

He was an outstanding officer. Remember, if he was born just a little bit more ballsier, we'd all be speaking Southern.

OR

Y'know, Lee is another American who is not very popular here, but is revered in France. They consider him a brilliant surrenderer.

President's Library

President Bush said he is leaning towards Southern Methodist University as the site to build his presidential library, but a group of Methodist ministers has begun a petition to have SMU take itself out of the running.

But, in good news for the President, the moonies are very interested.

FedEx Anti-Missile Plane

A FedEx cargo plane equipped with a laser-guided anti-missile system took off from LAX yesterday.

Shareholders of FedEx were pleased to learn that the company is taking seriously the threat from DHL.

California Citrus Loss

A spell of overnight temperatures below 28 degrees has destroyed most of California's citrus crop, valued at $1 billion.

This shouldn't have been much of a shock. We've been giving the freeze to OJ for 12 years.

OR

This has really put a downer on tomorrow night's Orange Globe awards.

OR

Governor Schwarzenegger is now calling for universal insurance coverage for every orange tree.

NFL game in London

The NFL announced that London will host a regular season game next season. The city had hosted some exhibition games, but this would be the first meaningful game to be played outside of North America.

When hearing this, a Cleveland Brown player asked, "What's a meaningful game?"

LaDainian Tomlinson said he hopes the Chargers play in the game, because he figures football fans in London must be really classy.

The NFL commissioner said the event would be a success even if there's only a minor brawl.

Said a Londoner: "I'm not so keen on the idea. I suppose you consider this to be a fair trade? You Yanks get Beckham, and you give us a weekend with Tony Romo?"

French WWI vet dies

One of France's last remaining World War I veterans died Tuesday, at age 108.

He is said to have spent the past ten years with dementia, recalling acts of French battlefield bravery.

Chinese Ferris Wheels

The city of Shanghai has cancelled plans to build the world's largest Ferris wheel, but another Chinese town, Jiangxi, opened a Ferris Wheel in May that it says is the tallest.

This explains all the signs around Shanghai that read, "Save Ferris."
-or-
What explains this Chinese enthusiasm for Ferris Wheels? It seems one of the more popular fortunes found in fortune cookies, reads, "What goes around comes around."
-or-
Shanghail said that before the wheel is built, it must produce and train a new breed of super-carnies.
-or-
Shanghai is still going ahead with plans to build the world's largest Elephant Ear.
-or-
Ah, the simple, peaceful Chinese, with their food, factories and Ferris Wheels... don't they know there's a war on?

Congress Smoke Ban

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has banned smoking in the lobby outside the House floor.

But she said Republicans are welcome to another smoking in November '08.

Stolen Puppies

Thieves broke into a Bridgeport, Ct apartment and stole four puppies worth $10,000 sired by last year's best of breed winner at the Westminster Dog Show.

The owner has vowed to track down the thieves at next month's Danbury Puppy Pageant.

OR

The sad thing is, the dog's owner was planning to put them down to purchase a condo.

Europe's Warm Winter

The extra-mild winter in Europe has led to early blooming of trees. Health officials have warned people who suffer from allergies that the pollen season will start much earlier.

In a delicately worded statement, the EU Commision on Health has suggested that "if you are French, and suffer from the allergies, maybe you do not stick the nose in the air so much."

New Mexico School Bus Attack

Two teenage sisters in New Mexico beat up a classmate on a bus ride. Tuesday, they were sentenced to a year of probabtion and 75 hours of community service.

During the sentencing, the judge asked the girls, 'Can't you just have pencil fights like civilized children?'

New Postal Service

The U.S. Postal Service is launching a new program for businesses that will allow them to track their packages at each step of its delivery, based on barcodes and GPS. The new service is called, "Intelligent Mail."

A draft of a possible advertisement reads, "With a name like 'Intelligent,' you can be sure the President will have no interest in opening your package."

Thailand Turtle

A rare turtle thought to be extinct in Thailand, was discovered by a villager there this week.

Villagers had been expecting it to show up for dinner five years ago. It turns out the turtle was just far more slower than previously thought.

Florida Trailer Park

A Florida beachfront trailer park has voted to accept a $500 million buyout from a condominium developer.

The buyer made a comment, though, that offended some in the community. He said, "That's a hell of an amount to pay for trash removal."

Poland Church Woes

Poland's archbishop and another top priest have resigned due to revelations that they cooperated with the secret police back in the communist era. But, there are reports that collaboration between the church and secret police was common throughout Eastern Europe.

As this photo shows:


OR

In fact, while he was still a KGB-trainee, Russian President Putin was an altar boy in St. Petersburg.

Apples iPhone

Apple introduced a new "iPhone" that stores up to 4GB of iTunes music and will work on the Cingular network.

Steve Jobs touted some of the phone's capabilities, such as seducing your callers by implying that you are at a rockin' party.

Verizon also announced a deal, with Anheuser-Busch, to market a "dui Phone." It holds 12oz of Budweiser, allowing for unlimited drunk dialing and drunk texting after 2am.

Yahoo for Phones

Yahoo on Monday introduced software for mobile phones that lets subscribers call up ad-supported services for news, maps, weather, and email.

Wow, it seems just three years ago that everyone was joining the Do Not Call List to avoid marketers. Now, we're expected to program our phones to call them...

Malibu Wildfire

A wildfire in Malibu destroyed four mansions, including the home of Suzanne Somers.

Firefighters were able to put out the blaze before it spread to the Regal Beagle.

OR

Police consoled Ms. Somers by promising her complimentary uniforms to replace her destroyed "She's the Sheriff" wardrobe.

OR

Said Somers: "My house was fired, but it was my decision to leave 'Three's Company.'"

OR

Somers has vowed to rebuild the house to be "bioidentical" to the original.

OR

The wildfire provided a convenient cover for Somers, who had left her stove on.

OR

The sixty-year old Somers had let her insurance lapse while in Vegas. But she's vowed to make a financial and career comeback, by re-entering the ring for Thighmaster 5 and Thighmaster 6.
(bad "Rocky" references)

Miami Bomb Threat

Miami police destroyed a box that was to be loaded onto a Caribbean cruise ship because it tested positive six-times as an explosive. Later, the bomb squad determined that the contents were only plastic sprinkler parts.

But the damage was already done: Royal Caribbean announced that its Slip and Slide Tuesday event had been cancelled, and will be replaced by shuffle board.

OR

Fortunately, a local Home Depot rushed a replacement box of sprinkler parts, so that the cruise's Wet Tee-Shirt contest can go on as scheduled.

OR

When asked if he regretted the mistake, a Coast Guard spokesman said, "Oh sure, like the Islanders need any help growing weed..."

OR

And so the bread fruit crop, so important to the West Indies economy, remains at risk until the country's sprinkler can be replaced.

New Orleans Curfew

The City of New Orleans is considering a curfew in response to eight murders in the past week.

Even if it doesn't stem the violence, it will assure that the Saints are well rested for their playoff game next Saturday.

OR

Sounds like a good idea. Curfews have been a big success in Baghdad....

Jersey Meteorite

A mysterious rock-like object crashed through the roof of a New Jersey home this week; scientists have now identified it as a meteorite.

Scientists believe it might be a warning from a rival Jupiter family. On the meteorite is written, "Keep outta Mars."

Purchasing Embargo

A group of ten friends in San Francisco have made international news and gained a large following by keeping a compact to give up buying new non-essential products for the recently ended year.

This news has not been welcomed by the Advertising Industry. In fact, the group members have been blocked from using any of Google's services until they disavow the experiment.

OR

One drawback though: now the group members have to wait five years before opening an account with Gmail.

400 Year Old Italian Murder Mystery

Scientists in Italy believe they've found proof that the Grand Duke of Tuscany and his wife were poisoned by the duke's brother 400 years ago, instead of having died from malaria.

They say the evidence was found after archaeologists unearthed what is believed to be the world's oldest Olive Garden.

OR

The brother had to resort to arsenic, after the couple refused his anniversary present of a trip to Haiti.

Colorado Cows Rescue Mission

The blizzards in the Plains that dumped 3 feet of snow and created 10 foot-high drifts have cut off thousands of cows from a food source for days.
National Guardsmen and emergency workers have been airlifting haystacks to the cattle.

One fatigued Guardsmen has given the mission a rallying cry, or anthem:

I said, Hay! Moo! Snow's like a shroud.
Hay! Moo! Snow's like a shroud .
Hay! Moo! Snow's like a shroud.
Don't hang around, cows chew real loud.
On my cloud, baby.

Toyota Passes Chrysler

For the first time, Toyota's yearly sales in the U.S. topped Chrysler, which slid to Number 4, after GM, Ford, and Toyota.

Lee Iaccoca is rolling in his grave... and his co-spokesman, Snoop Dogg, well, he's just rolling down the street, smoking Indo.

OR

Said a Chrysler spokesperson, "We're pleased to point out that any and all U.S Presidents with the last name Chrysler, are not dead."

OR

Chrysler plans to retake the No. 2 spot next year, by introducing a Retro Millenium K-Car.

OR

Chrysler said retaking the No. 2 spot is as easy as bringing back Plymouth.

OR

Said a beaming Toyota executive: "For all the Americans flag waving, car buyers are a thrifty, lazy lot that will sell out its country men for a shiny piece of plastic."

Garbage Truck Rescue

An unemployed Michigan man who said he fell asleep in a garbage truck while collecting bottles and cans, was able to contact police from a cell phone, leading to his rescue just before the truck was about to compact its load.

He said he didn't want to die after having loaded $50 on his Boost Mobile phone.

OR

Fortunately for the man, the truck contained a pile of old phones from local tweens who had gotten new Christmas phones.

Bully Taxis

Five yellow cabs, covered in fake cowhide and decorated with bull's horns on the roof, lined up outside Madison Square Garden on Tuesday, to promote a two-day Invitational Bull Riders event.

The location of MSG was an easy choice, organizers said, seeing how New Yorkers are used to a lot of bull from the New York Knicks.

OR

The event means that for at least 2 days, Isiah Thomas won't be responsible for the B.S. in the Garden.

Saddam Hanging

Saddam Hussein was hanged Saturday morning. President Bush called it "an important milestone on Iraq's course to becoming a democracy that can govern, sustain, and defend itself."

Now there's just 1828 mass murderers to bring to justice.

Happy New Year

Some guy paid 1.9 million dollars for the world's oldest hockey stick; made in 1856.

Funny to think that while our country was brewing up a civil war that would pit brother against brother, the Canadians created a quanit, friendly sport....

Sorry folks, but I'm hear in Nashville, and it's kept me from a-postin'.

Happy New Year.

My resolution is to post each day; starting Tuesday.

Happy New Year.

Hell, there's already been 36 posts already this month.

Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.

My resolution maybe is to post jokes that don't need to be explained. My friend X noted a Conan joke that went: "Lindsey Loham said she ain't had a drink in 7 days. Yep. Yep. Yeppers. but she done been passed out for six-half. " Everyone at the table laughed. My Canada joke (which I gave as an example) was not so much enjoyed. Although a couple folks were even familiar with the Quebec issue... Welp...

Happy New Year.

Ice Mass Snaps Free From Canada's Arctic

A 41-square mile ice shelve has broken away from the Canadian Arctic.

Quebec residents are furious that the ice mass was able to secede without having to hold a referendum.

and/OR

Now, Quebec realizes that the key to becoming independent is through accelerated global warming. Its instructed all of its beret and croissant manufacturers to emit more carbon dioxide.

FDA OKs Cloned Beef

The FDA ruled today that beef and milk from cloned animals is safe to eat and does not require special labeling.

But later, when the real FDA official was untied and freed from his office closet, he denounced his clone and announced that clone beef may indeed require special labeling.

Threatened Polar Bears

The Bush Administration said that polar bears are a threatened species in need of stronger government protection.

The Interior Department is acting on a demand from President Bush, who said he didn't see any polar bears on his Christmas Coke.

Bush Thinking 'bout Iraq

President Bush is honkered down at his Texas ranch this week, working on a new Iraq policy.

He said he is really determined to finish his assignment, but gosh darnitt, with Ford's passing, he might probably have to attend a drawn-out state funeral, which can go on for like "days."

And, White House spokesperson Tony Snow announced: the President's mind is of course also pre-occupied with James Brown.

Saudi Princess Deported

A Saudi Arabian princess living outside of Boston who was accused of breaking U.S. immigration laws by locking up her domestics' passports and forcing them to work for low pay was ordered to be deported, must pay $200,000 restitution, and perform 100 hours of community service.

But, she will be allowed to keep her title as the reigning Miss Massachussetts.

Merry Christmas

Look for topical jokes daily to resume publishing jokes Tuesday, Dec. 26.

Calif Prison Guards

The LA Times reports that many California prison guards have received at least $100,000 in overtime pay.

Despite the high pay, guards say the most rewarding part of their job is still getting to meet Snoop Dogg every month.

New Jersey subway flooding

A government analysis concludes that a small bomb would flood the subway tunnels connecting New Jersey to New York City with one million gallons of water per minute.

It says that within an hour the only thing visible would be the tops of womens' hair.

OR

The report cautions passengers to use waterproof makeup and maximum strength hairspray.

MADD about Miss Teen

Mothers Against Drunk Driving is dropping Miss Teen USA Katie Blair as a spokeswoman because of news reports that she had been partying with Miss USA Tara Conner.

The prized beauty said in a statement that MADD was being "totally ridiculous. We never drove a car after drinking and drugging; we only had to sign for one...Donald has like a zillion drivers."

Baby Put in Airport XRay

A Mexican woman traveling from LAX mistakenly put her one-month old grandson through the x-ray machine.

Some good came out of it: airport security was able to identify and remove a tortilla chip lodged in the baby's esophagus.

Premarital Sex Survey

According to a new study, nine out of ten Americans have had premarital sex.

And, 40% have had bathroom sex with Miss USA.

North Korea financial experts

U.S. and N.Korean financial experts are meeting to discuss the international banking sanctions against N.Korea.

It might sound surprising that there are financial experts in N.Korea, but could you run a country of 23 million people on $8?

OR

This isn't as lopsided a matchup as you might think. With the holidays upon us, our best minds are unavailable. Representing the U.S. is Tom Vu.

OR

Let's hope our confrontations with N.Korea remain financial arguments. We have a really good chance of winning this one.

Space Shuttle Returning

The Discovery shuttle is returning to Earth.

During its 13 day mission, the astronauts have installed an addition to the lab, rewired the space station, and delivered Winter Solstice toys to the children of the European Space Agency.

Olive Garden Sickness

300 diners became sick last week after eating at an Olive Garden in Indiana. Now health officials believe it was caused by a 'norovirus.'

An Olive Garden official said he wished the whole incident was imaginary, just like the company's advertisements that authentic Italians dine there.

OR

An Olive Garden official said that customers should not believe that its restaurants are unsafe anymore than one should believe the ridiculous notion purported in its ads, that real Italians dine there.

OR

A company official said he was disappointed that so many people complained. He said "they shoulda kept it in the family," and that "the rat bastards will pay for talking to the Health Department."

New Defense Secretary

Robert Gates will start as the U.S. defense secretary Monday.

It's hard to tell during the transition period, what items in the office are Rumsfeld's or belong to Gates. For example, an un-opened book-on-tape, "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

Space station

The International Space Station has a solor array that won't fold up. NASA tried to shake it loose by making an astronaut exercise vigorously in order to shake the panel loose, but the astronaut failed to make it budge.

It's too bad they don't have a Nintento Wii controller up there.

Bush new Iraq policy

President Bush is formulating a new Iraq policy, given that most Americans find the reality in Iraq does not match his optimistic assessment.

He's expected to announce mandatory doses of soma.

OPEC to cut output in Feb.

OPEC announced it would reduce production in February in order to lower the world supply of oil.

To which Al Queda replied, "Sounds fun. Where should we set up?"

And later, they texted: "Let's shoot for Jan instead, 'k? Can't wait!"

Princess Diana's death

British police have concluded that the deaths of Princess Diana and her boyfriend Dodi Fayed in 1997 were a "tragic accident" and that allegations of murder are unfounded.

They ruled out the conspiracy theory, saying even though Elton John capitalized on the death, he did not directly cause it.

OR

But their report includes a section by Prince Charles, titled, "If I Did It."

OR

It took them nine years to investigate a car accident? Scotland Yard ain't what it was... I look forward to being around in 2015 to find out that Christians weren't behind this summer's subway bombings...

Feds Raid Beef Plants

Federal officials raided six Swift beef processing plants to arrest illegal immigrants accused of identify theft.

Whoa, they're really taking this Taco Bell e.Coli investigation seriously.

OR

Human rights activists are complaining about the harsh treatment of the alleged aliens...
... And they also took issue with conditions outside the factory.

OR

Immigration's code name for the project is: "Slaughterhouse-Six: (or) The Chicos' Crusade."

OR

Some of those arrested welcomed the change in environment. Said one: "I had almost forgotten what it's like to breathe air free of bloody animal remains."

But another said it was wrong to be detained like "some horde of cattle that is then systematically disemboweled and disassembled."

OR

Swift officials are concerned that such raids would put its plants out of operation.
A spokesman fears "There will be a lot of missed-steaks."

Cruise Ships with Sick Passengers

For the third time in a month, a big cruise ship has pulled into Florida with hundreds of passengers suffering from a stomach virus.

These are hard times if you're a Russian who likes to travel and eat cheap Mexican food.

Chewable Contraceptives

Drug maker Warner Chilcott has begun selling chewable birth control pills which it calls 'tasty and convenient.'

This is ironic, because the advertising is quite tasteless. In one commercial, a husband asks his wife if she is ready to start a family, then she answers "Let me chew on it," and winks to the camera.

OR
(for dummies)
Warner Chilcott, huh? Maybe they oughta be called "Warner Chiclet."

'A Christmas Story' House

A California man bought the Cleveland house used in the filming of "A Christmas Story", and he has opened it to tours and a gift shop.

He had been outbid by Madonna, but she backed out when she learned that the children were not included.

OR

President Bush learned about this, and said it was a good example of "entrepreneurialship. " He then mused that "someone ought to buy that house where the West Wing was filmed, and give out tours there."

Internet-based Phone Use Rises

The number of Voice Over Internet phone subscribers increased 18% the past quarter.

In related news, the State Department announced that relations with Canada and Puerto Rico have never been stronger.

Alcohol Top Killer in Finland

Finland said that alcohol was the #1 cause of death this year, with alcohol poisoning alone responsible for 2,000 deaths.

To lower those numbers, the Finland government will be promoting domestic vodka and raising tariffs on Russian vodka.

OR

Authorities believe drinking will continue to be a problem until Finlanders find other ways to deal with national jealousy of Norway and Sweden.

Indians Buy Hard Rock

Florida's Seminole Indian Tribe announced it was buying the Hard Rock Cafe chain during a press conference at the Manhattan restaurant.

It was reported that members of Kiss were in attendance, but that was just the new management team.

Iraq Study Group

The Iraq Study Group issued its report yesterday.

One of the key conclusions, is that our expectations for democracy should be scaled down. It suggests that our elected President and Congress be replaced by a Study Group.

Iraq Restoring Marshlands

Iraq has been working to restore its historical marshlands. An environmental official announced that one-half of the area was restored and that many former residents have returned.

He added: A good many of them can have open caskets.

OR

He said that by 2008, the marshlands should be THE place to discard bodies.

Plane Forced to Land Due to Flatulence

An American Airlines flight had to emergency-land after a woman passenger lit matches to conceal a bowel movement.

Passengers who sat nearby had attempted to wrestle her to the ground, but found it impossible with one hand holding their nose.

OR

The woman was not allowed to re-board after screening, but she was given a Ginger Ale and they let her keep the can.

OR
(for Lenos)
Isn't this terrible? Just when we thought oil was falling, passengers are still paying a high price for gas.

Taco Bell E.Coli

Some Taco Bell stores in the Northeast have been linked to an outbreak of E.coli.

Taco Bell said they've been so focused on removing trans-fat oils, they've paid no attention to the garbage they cook in it.

Shuttle Launch with Russia

NASA is readying for Thursday's joint mission to the space station with Russia.

NASA has warned its astronauts not to drink the Tang from bottles labeled with skulls and cross bars.

OR

NASA has to perform a checklist of new safety measures, such as testing the shuttle for radiation.

OR

One of the shuttle's missions is to replace one of the station's three crew members.

But the Americans are a bit put off by the ominous way in which the Russians speak of that mission. At a press conference, a cosmonaut did the rabbit-ear finger quote thing around "replace", and then laughed uncontrollably.

Muslim woman sex advice on Arab TV

The AP reports that an Egyptian sex therapist has a popular TV show broadcast throughout the Middle East, in which she gives sexual advice to woman.

Conservative Islamists at first issued a fatwa against the program, but now support it because suicide bombers have been complaining that it gets 'real old' having to explain everything 72 times.

OR

The show addresses topics common to Islamic woman, such as the big "change" in middle age...when the husband leaves for 72 virgins.

Iraqi conjoined twins

A Saudi Arabian medical team successfully separated conjoined Iraqi twins Sunday.

Within five minutes, the newly free twins killed each other.

Ford Motor Woes

The Ford Motor Company is putting up nearly all its North American assets as collateral for a $18 billion line of credit.

Ford excluded its prized company collection of autos, which includes the prototype of the Model T, and the 1977 Thunderbird in which Brtiney Spears was conceived.

It's been a bad week for Ford. In the latest monthly sales figures releaed Friday, Ford dropped to Number 4.

In hopes of turning things around, Ford has borrowed a page from Chevy's ad campaign, and will begin airing truck commercials titled "This is Our USA" featuring the Great Johnstown Flood.

Things are so bleak that the company has stopped correcting people when mistaken for former President Gerald Ford.

Analysts were surprised that one half of the hourly work force - 38,000 employees - accepted Ford's buyout offers and early retirement packages.

One possible explanation is worker unhappiness when they showed up for their shifts Thursday and were given thorough physicals from bankers who wanted to "examine the goods."

Pope visit to Mosque

Pope Benedict visited a mosque in Turkey, in what was seen as a peace offering and show of respect to Muslims who were offended by the Pope's remarks months ago about the violence of their religion.

The Pope's Muslim hosts reciprocated by not murdering him.

English Smoking Ban

The English government announced a ban on smoking in most public places beginning July 1.

The new law caused Clay Aiken to cancel a planned concert in London when an English promoter told him that fags would be prohibited.

The law is not expected to be enforceable, since police won't be able to detect smoke in the fog.

Cigarette advertising will still be allowed in England, where it's common to see billboards for such icons as "Marlboro Gentleman."

(OR: An ad campaign to promote quitting smoking goes: "Come Rest Ye Marlboro Gentleman")

In explaining the clamp down on smoking, a British official said: "crooked teeth, acceptable; stained, unacceptable."